I was saying to someone the other day that writing a blog about right speech has turned out to be ironic for me. It's more about what I don't say, silence, a lot of the time. When I went for a walk with my friend who cancels on me frequently, we avoided the topic of our tiff. I felt I'd said all I wanted to say in the emails, and luckily, she seemed to feel the same. Neither of us attempted to persuade the other to her point of view. We let the peace of respecting each other's feelings alone. Now that doesn't mean there isn't a subtext from now on: I will be wary of plans and also feel freer to cancel if I wish and I imagine she will not cancel unless she has a better reason than something more interesting coming up. She may also be kinder to herself by not overbooking herself into a corner.
So we've learned some things. We each have stories about the other, and we got a little wake up call. We are not Mutt and Jeff. Our decisions are reached differently because we are not very much alike. That's fine, as long as I don't assume she's one thing or the other. She's complicated, and has some qualities that are difficult, as do I. She is a person who needs others to clarify their boundaries, as hers are looser. I'm a person who is cautious and careful with others, and maybe I'd rather be more carefree, but given my history, I have to have my boundaries and don't want anyone stepping over them. Nothing's bad or good, just the way we're built.
The opportunity presented by our tiff is getting back to specifics, not general projections and convenient "stories" that don't really fit us. Now I know again she has a temper when someone says stop, and I need to say stop occasionally, as she will sometimes be trying to push beyond what I'm comfortable with. No right or wrong. Just who we are.
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