Well, my friend sent me an email yesterday saying she was glad I "understood" about her cancelling our lunch. That got me jumping off the fence, and I replied that I did not understand, she had hurt my feelings, it wasn't the first time this kind of thing has happened, and I felt quite low on her totem pole.
No reply to my response up until now. But I realized I was protecting her, and myself, from the truth, and I should have protested her behavior a long time ago. I get caught in wanting to be "nice", "kind", "thoughtful" and other adjectives that I'd like to apply to myself, even if it means I'm false to myself and delusional about how compassionate I really am. So I burst my own bubble, and it feels like a relief to be "hurt", "grumpy", "annoyed", and not "generous". I'm human, though I sometimes seem to have a tough time admitting it.
My ignoring her behavior up until now has not caused her to be grateful or more fond of me. She's been blissfully ignorant thanks to my falsity. So payback is so not happening. I'm the one that screwed up our relationship by protecting her. I protected her from who I really am and how I view some of her actions toward me. So, no more Mrs. Nice Guy. Just me, bursting with feelings and delusions and pretentions. I hope she can adjust. But if she can't at least I can.
No comments:
Post a Comment