Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

As a parent, I witnessed plenty of parents denigrating their children, and it made me wince.  I didn't believe in corporal punishment, nor did I condone name calling and ridicule.  But from what I read today, there is a new danger with parenting:  over praising your children.  There has been impressive research that shows that children do better if they are encouraged to try a bit harder or redo a task done sloppily.

We went through recent eras where over praising was considered essential to the development of self esteem.  Now it seems to have turned out that either the kids know it's often phony, or take it for granted that whatever they do is the best of the best.  Now this research is goal oriented.  Nobody seems to be saying that you can tell your child he's special too many times.  It's behavior that we're speaking of, not the essence of your child.

Give her a hug and tell her she's the best.  But if she's making little effort in a task, gently suggest she work a bit longer, or show her how to sweep, give her tips and give her five more minutes to do her best.  Not be her best, she is already that, but do her best.

My foster granddaughter's mom was tearing her hair out because her daughter wanted to quit piano.  She asked for my take on it.  I suggested she cut the practice time, ask the teacher to give her less work, and then act as if there was no option to quit.  Because, as I said to her, when she's fifteen and wants to audition for a role in West Side Story, she won't be able to compete for the role, because she can't sight read the music and she has no experience before an audience.  As the parent you have to take the long view.  Work is a drag, but it has rewards that can't be gained by wishful thinking.  And yesterday when my granddaughter was practicing piano I sat right next to her and commented and asked her to play something again, tolerated all the tangents when she was playing Heart and Soul, and acted engaged.  When I drove her home and we came in her door, she ran up to her mom and said she'd practiced, and "Granma really likes hearing me play and sing!"  I have the time, as her mother often doesn't, since she has a two year old as well and teaches elementary school, to help make work rewarding.

And Right Speech, at that point is saying, "I sure do love to hear you play the piano!  You're getting so good at it!"