My Zen teacher, Yvonne Rand, warns us not to employ the words "always" and "never", as they generalize and solidify our own self image, and close down possibility. All her students have learned to say: "Up until now, I've not been a graceful dancer", "Up until now I had little facility with math problems", "Up until now, I've not enjoyed parties".
Opening up possibility is good for us in so many ways. We are more willing to try things we are afraid of, as well as not labeling ourselves unrealistically. Remaining open and curious presents so many opportunities to redefine ourselves and others. It used to be called giving the benefit of the doubt.
Under the impression that a visit with a friend is bound to go wrong, I almost will it to happen. Instead, if I think over my own part in our last interactions, and change my speech and behavior even a just one tiny way, a new outcome may emerge. I'm not saying I have not decided, with certain friends, that the relationship is toxic and I'm going to move away for a while. That is an assessment that sometimes has to be made. But if I tweek my attitude, I've also seen an opening up in the other person, and especially if I'm firm with my boundaries, there can be a new ease.
I have a friend who asks a lot of probing, personal questions. This bothered me. For some reason I felt powerless to refuse to answer. I tried asking her questions back. No deal. It was a one way street. Okay, I said to myself. If that's the rule for her it will be for me, and then I will not feel so invaded. So I began to say, "I don't really want to talk about that", "you'll have to ask her yourself", "gee, that's kind of personal". The world didn't end, and neither did our friendship. And I discovered I did not want to trust this person with my intimate thoughts and feelings, most of the time. But, never say never.
No comments:
Post a Comment