I worked in safehouses for battered women on and off for twelve years. Women often told me that the verbal abuse was worse than the physical. You can heal from cuts and bruises but being told over and over how stupid you are, how ugly, that nobody else would ever want you, now that is demoralizing for years after the physical abuse has ended. You begin to believe what the batterer is saying, and internalize it.
The threats are also a way to keep a woman in a battering relationship. If you are told that he will kill your whole family or the kids, and it will be all your fault, you may subject yourself to him. There are hostages at stake. If he hits the kids or other family, kills the dog, mistreats a beloved pet, you know the threats are not empty.
Maybe most hurtful of all is when your own family sides with him, says you made your own bed now lie in it, refuses to help you get away, even tells him where you are hiding. This is betrayal of the highest order, and it further devalues you in your own eyes.
Verbal abuse ruins lives. Children grow up with warped images of themselves. They have no developed instincts to protect themselves. They make bad choices with what feels familiar: abuse.
If you underestimate this harm, you say you're just teasing, insist that the other person toughen up, that words can't hurt you, then you are an abuser.
People with these speech patterns left over from childhood or their culture need to pause before they say a word, and check out their language. They need to speak in "I" statements and not label others with "you" characterizations. Maybe they need to lay off the "humor" until it is about themselves and not others. Your one negative word may be the tipping point for another person who is struggling to respect herself and having no outside support. And don't judge others. If those thoughts pop up, silence them. No one ever needed a judge to help them on the path to wholesomeness. They need supporters. If you can't be one, move away. You're toxic.
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