Observing my speech netted these results: sometimes I am trying to entertain, sometimes I'm nervous and talk too much, sometimes I'm thinking out loud, sometimes I'm trying to make another feel better, sometimes I'm re-enforcing my "story", sometimes I'm excited and sharing, sometimes I want to hear what is going on with the other person. All these intentions can be masked by me, or conscious, depending on the particular incident.
None of these intentions are "bad", though nowadays when I notice I'm telling a "story", I try to stop. Because I don't need a story, not when I'd rather be transparent and not "canned". I don't need everyone to love me or empathize with me or see me in a certain way. That's ego, and it's just getting in my way and messing up being authentic. Yvonne relates the story Bette Midler used to tell in her act: "Well enough about me, what do YOU think about me?" When I'm in "story" mode there is no genuine connection with others.
I handle nervousness with pausing, taking a breath, and having some patience that my pauses will encourage the other person to express themselves and I'll actually learn something about the person with whom I'm speaking.
The thinking out loud is usually done with close friends and I try to be up front about my rambling. I'll say something like: "I want think out loud for a minute. Can you bear with me? I'd like to hear your response."
When I'm trying to make a friend or aquaintance feel better, I warn myself internally not to be patronizing or pitying, and I know the best way is to encourage them to speak and be a good listener. I might say "Gee, that sounds hard" and wait for them to gather their thoughts and open up. Patience is essential, otherwise I do my harmful thing: I tell them how they feel or recount a story from my life, comparing and distancing the possible intimacy we might have had.
Being excited and sharing is great, but overwhelming the other person is my danger. Pauses for responses and being comfortable with silence is important for me.
When I want to know what is going on with another person, asking questions that are open ended is essential, and I am not good at this. I'm shy in some ways, and this is one of them that makes me seem not as interested as I am, and leaves me feeling I've missed an opportunity to know the person better. I often find myself "grilled" by a friend, and then not being able to ask a single question of her and feeling run over with my own information, which I didn't need to hear. I'm learning to say, "I'd rather not talk about that" or "you'll have to ask her" or "I'm tired of going over this stuff, I'd rather hear about you".
When entertaining is my goal, I need to be sure the context is right, the other person wants to laugh and tease, and I feel truly exuberant. Mostly, I entertain when I'm with a very close friend, so there are other times when we are intimate or share advice or "catch up". For me there is a huge amount of trust involved, and my confidence is high about how funny I can be. My humor is making fun of myself, not others, and also in exaggerating. I'm part Indian, so the big, goofy, obviously exaggerated tale is a delight for me and those who also like this way to pass time.
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