At my diabetes class last night, the facilitator was encouraging people in the group to ask questions and speak up. And there were people really comfortable doing so, but not me. I am shy, and I must have not felt safe in the group (after all, they are strangers), and my mind went blank. All I could think of was that I'd rather have a one on one conversation with a facilitator, and I promised myself I would make an appointment, which I will do today.
What comes to mind is all the times I was the new kid in the school, class or group, because my family moved a few times in my childhood. I don't immediately trust people, because I had some mean girl cliche stuff go on when I was a kid. And also because I am leery of being someone's new instant best friend. That scenario has not worked well in the past for me. The other person is projecting something onto me, without knowing at all who I am. I'm very uncomfortable with stranger effusiveness.
This center does have support groups, and I will ask about one of those when I do the one on one, but last night I was feeling exposed, and retreated at the break to looking at my IPhone. I admit it. I disengaged purposefully, and that is generally what I do when I don't feel safe. I can't entirely overcome my history, but at least I recognize when it plays a part in the present moment.
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