Ah, my friend who usually gets mad at me is back in contact. She wonders about a walk. I've got excuses to not plan anything until week after next. That gives me time to figure out if there is a way to stay on friendly terms, but keep my distance. I'm going to bump into her in my neighborhood and I don't want to avoid her. But I've decided the time for honest talking and transparency is over. Why? Because she projects some idea of me and renders the real me invisible.
My problem is I felt enough of this kind of impulsive anger within my own family as a child. It seemed to come out of left field, and nothing I ever did mitigated it. Volatility is too familiar. Maybe too comfortable. But being amused and above it all is really lying to myself. This is toxic behavior and there is no wholesome reason to be around it. My friend and I are not a good match. I have the deepest empathy for her suffering, but do not want to be dragged in as a witness.
She asks my advice, but what she wants is some kind of approval for her anger. I feel I understand where her anger is coming from but cannot name it for her. It would not be appropriate. So that leaves us at an impass. So I'm slowing mourning the unviability of a relationship. But I'm alone with this knowledge. Not a comfortable place to be, but the truth.
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