My husband and I argued early this morning, about money, what else? Even after four decades of marriage, sometimes we need a mediator. We need a Jimminy Cricket like creature in the closet, for emergencies. Luckily, we usually back down, take a time out and revisit the issue later, but I wish this dance was not necessary. I feel like my Buddhist training helps me see what is patterning and old stuff rising to the surface, but my husband doesn't have those skills, and he feels at the time that he must speak right then, in the heat of emotion. I try to hear him out, respond and then postpone any decision. But I then have to live with what he's said in anger, and it's disturbing. Even in a good marriage, sometimes there is no resolution totally agreeable to both people. Because we don't always change our minds, there are bottom lines for each, and even with a mediator on call, not everything will get resolved.
I'm more sanguine these days about such disagreements because I am more realistic about how partners negotiate and compromise. There is no platonic ideal. There are just two people doing the best they can who have different histories and some priorities that are in opposition and distinct personalities. There's no good and bad, just all that vast, skylike gray area. We float in it trying not to bump into each other in a harmful way.
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