Yesterday my friend left me a phone message to invite me to dinner, but said to call her partner because he would be doing the cooking. I'm shy, so it felt awkward, but I called and left a message as he didn't pick up. I also didn't know when to come over. Well, he didn't notice his message for hours, and when he called at dinnertime he said he was having short ribs. He encouraged me to come and meant it, but I don't eat pork because I like pigs, and I begged off. Something that began with me feeling uncomfortable ended up with me feeling embarrassed. He offered to make me souffle, which mortified me, and to come for a glass of wine at least. But I was beyond relaxing at that point, so I declined.
I feel good and bad. I feel good that I stated I didn't eat pork. That's big for me. Usually I eat around whatever is served. But if he bothered to barbeque it would have made a scene for me to not have any. So I stood up for myself. But I felt picky and awful. The bad is my setting conditions on the invitation, and not being relaxed enough to adjust. I did not come off well in my own judgment. And I missed socializing with them. So I punished myself.
This social engagement stuff is still tricky at times. I flub it. I feel like an idiot, but the invite felt off, it seemed like I was inviting myself when I had to call the partner, and then it all became so last minute going seemed like an imposition. I know, I was way overthinking this. I do that sometimes. Oh, well, live and learn, and learn and learn.
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