Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had my little surgery yesterday, and experienced a level of pain afterward that I can't remember before.  I had a rough night, but am better.  The hardest thing is somehow to take off the bandage and look at the wound.  I quickly covered it back up after washing it.  And last night, as I was not sleeping, I thought of my mother and the incredible pain she must have had after her surgery for a brain tumor and then later after colon cancer surgery.  I don't remember her complaining.  The first time I was 14 and my brother 11, and we were told by my parents that it was very serious and she might not survive, but it just seemed surreal to me.  She looked horrible when she returned from the hospital on Christmas Eve, but I have no idea how much pain she was in.  The second surgery happened when I was a young mother, and again, I don't remember her complaining.  She protected me, as I protect my grown kids.  And in our family, whining was a cardinal sin.  I have no idea what the proper right speech is, then and now, for such situations.  I assume my mom told her sisters and friends how scared she was.  She didn't use me as a confidante.

And now I do the same.  I talk about fears with my husband, friends and therapist.  I whine, but discretely.  I find myself being extra cheerful and polite to the doctors and nurses.  I don't complain.  I want them to like me.  I can see my behavior clearly, but don't really know an alternative.  My mother did the same.  Now my father, when he was seriously ill during the later part of his life, got angry and demanded relief from his doctors.  They probably dreaded seeing him.  Did he receive better care or worse?  Does it matter?  He bulldozed his way through the world, and he could be both maddening and adorable.  My mother was the quiet stoic, and I wonder if that reflects gender roles.  I'm forcing myself to speak up more these days and be my own advocate.  And the surgery with this doctor is a result of me deciding I didn't want my dermatologist doing the surgery, and I gathered information from friends and asked for the referral.  I was brave.  And I feel it was the right decision.  I can't have surgery with someone because I don't want them to feel rejected.  As the Buddha says, be your own protector.