Today's right speech challenge will be my consult with the dermatologist who hopefully will do my surgery. I want to have the courage to ask questions, questions that might seem dumb or skeptical. I have a powerful pleasing urge that renders me silent in front of authorities, and I also get teary these days, feeling sorry for myself when I should buck up. The latter is the result of too many crises in a short amount of time, and the sense that I am on overwhelm. So it's important I not sabotage myself, and then be haunted by questions I was afraid to ask. That's my MO.
After all my years of practice, not knowing and uncertainty are still loaded for me. This whole skin cancer thing brings up my fears and having had two friends who died of skin cancer compounds my anxiety. I know I'm not alone. Other friends have expressed similar feelings, and we all are feeling squeezed by the health demands of getting older and having this and that to attend to without long breaks, as in the past. A doctor's visit triggers nagging worries and unreachable expectations about losing weight, getting off meds, exercising more, the whole nine yards. We punish ourselves for the inevitable.
So it's a fine balance between taking care of oneself and paranoia, between reason and emotion, between listening and speaking up. I'll try to do my best.
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