Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Right speech doesn't guarantee right response.  Years ago I was visiting a friend in Europe and she asked if my husband, our daughter, and our daughter's friend could leave one day early so she could give our rooms to friends of hers coming.  I said we had no place to stay for the one night and were leaving by train and had reservations in other city, so she could move us all in together, and we'd leave early, but it was too much disruption for one night.  We did not know Italian and it was before cell phones and easy connections.  She became furious with us, even though she'd begged us to visit and insisted we stay with her, her husband and two kids.  She served special food to her friends when they arrived, and the same in the morning.  We had cereal. 

When we returned I attempted to email and phone, to clarify what had happened, but she never responded, and our contact ceased.  It's been years, but my being honest about the inconvenience and trouble, totally unexpected, was not what she wanted to hear.  Probably she was mad at me for some other reason, but she couldn't be honest with me, and it didn't dawn on me that staying a night would destroy our friendship.  Of course, I realized over time it was a friendship not worth preserving, as I didn't understand her "code" and she felt I didn't respect her enough to scramble around for some place to stay for the last night.  But it was one of the incidents when two people are speaking a different language from across the void.  I don't regret not budging, but I certainly was not aware of the cost of such a decision at the time.

I have occasionally thought of this incident and wondered if I'd hear from her, but it's been over a dozen years, and I no longer expect a call.  She wiped me from her slate of friends, which was her right, but I'd liked to have understood what went on and why.  I disappointed her in some major way, and I might have learned something about my behavior and speech if she'd engaged me, but without information, I'm in the dark.  Well, if something similar happened now, I would probably quickly leave and stay in a train station overnight rather than put myself through so much upset.  I learned people you think you know are unpredicable, and talking things out only works if both are willing.