Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

In Jane Austen's novels, there is a propriety about "safe topics", usually the weather and the family's health.  Austen teases the reader with the high level of restrictions placed on people speaking in public, but look what happens when people cross the boundary:  you end up with Mrs. Bennett, who embarasses her daughters, at times even humiliating them, and in "Sense and Sensibility" the younger daughter's emotions, unchecked, expose her to ridicule and gossip.  There is grave danger in speaking in Austen's world, and though it appears to us today to be stuffy and rigid, I wonder if we have plunged too deeply into the alternative:  private thoughts and feelings made public through cell phones and a lack of manners.

Superficial manners are probably justifiably eliminated.  But what about courtesies like not interrupting, speaking respectfully to teachers, answering the elderly politely, and wishing others well when they wish you well.  Do we have to give up the rules of engagement so completely?  The exposure we see on TV with reality shows and Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are created for drama and are "shows" not reality, yet we often model them in our real lives.  In real life, people don't usually want complete honesty.  We want sensitivity to ourselves and kindness.  Bluntness hurts as much as it always did.  Yet somehow it has become cool to tear another apart, with as many witnesses as possible.

Keeping council with oneself is as wise now as it was then.  Thinking long and carefully before speaking still results in a better outcome.  In Buddhism, we talk about reactivity and response.  The first is impulsive and may lead to hurting others or shooting ourselves in the foot.  The later gives us that pause that may allow experience and consideration to inform our speaking.  Unintentional harming is less likely after a couple of deep breaths before we speak.  Do we really need to comment on another's weight, even if asked.  It's a minefield, as we know from experience.  Do we really want to slash back in anger when a friend judges us?  We may end up with an ex-friend and a lot of regret. 

You can read Miss Manners in the newspaper as I do, or pick up an Austen book to get a little perspective.  Because she skillfully shows you all the harm that speaking may entail.