I have had two conversations this week with my husband that show the subtelties of right speech. The first ending with hurt feelings and vast miscommunication. The second was right speech. What was the difference, since the subject was the same? The first time my husband was reacting emotionally and something triggered in him that shut his listening ability down. I the reacted emotionally, hearing things not intended by him. He got angry, I got angry. Yes, this happens in marriage, and you never quite have the skill set to avoid it entirely.
The second conversation I picked a time, and this is key, when he seemed calm and fresh, and I spoke more carefully and asked questions instead of making statements, and I heard clearly some information I had not heard the first time around. That reassured me, and I reassured him, and we actually clarified the issue instead of obscuring it with childhood fears, old history that often makes hearing what's said difficult. I'm so glad I tried again, and he persuaded me not by demanding and vetoing, but by facts that I could assess and take into account.
Lesson: don't broach a tricky subject if you see the other person is tired or upset, or becomes upset during the talk. Back down and wait for a time when you can really hear each other and do some problem solving. Right speech involves shutting up and waiting to try later.
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