Tonight is a family birthday celebration, and I'm looking forward to seeing and interacting with some of my kids. They have busy lives, but I'm fortunate three of them live close by and we can get together. And last night I talked on the phone with our granddaughter, who lives two states away, and therefore they miss some of these events. We'll all be together soon, though, for the wedding. I love talking to my granddaughter and hearing the happiness in her voice. She is being given a lovely life of interconnectedness and stimulation and love. Her tone of voice tells me everything I need to know: she's fine.
There is a bubbliness in all our speech right now which is the result of the anticipated wedding, friends and family about to be gathered together, and the unconscious knitting together for a historic event. It brings up other family weddings, with other brides, other grooms. I'm proud to say I know each person is happy for the ones the spotlight is on this time around, because they were well cared for at their celebration. My husband and I are overjoyed at the new life together about to begin. We think about our younger son and his partner and wonder if they will be next. It feels like everyone is launched. They have other families now. They are anchored in love.
Saturday, January 31, 2015
Friday, January 30, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
We saw a play about football last night. And this week, due to the upcoming Superbowl, there have been stories about Marshawn Lynch, a local guy, now with the Seattle Seahawks. He's in the past refused to talk to media, evidently having been burned by responses to his comments, so now he was threatened with a half a million fine if he didn't fulfill his obligations with the NFL. He sat in front of the media for five minutes and repeated that he was there because otherwise he'd be fined. Now he could have all kinds of reasons for this behavior, but isn't it interesting that he's being forced to speak to promote a billion dollar business?
Doesn't he have the right to not participate in the phony circus? I'm sure he could spout platitudes with the best of them, all agent trained to talk about the team and god and family and wave the flag around. He is choosing not to. I call that right speech. Evidently, he has a foundation which helps youth, and the papers have been saying he could have promoted that organization. But wouldn't that have been like bragging about his noble devotion to his home town? Maybe he's all action, no talk. I have followed him for a while, since it was playing football at my alma mater, and he's no cookie cutter player. It looks like he's trying to play the game his way. He may not win, but is it wrong to follow his own head and heart? Why?
Again, sometimes right speech is right silence.
Doesn't he have the right to not participate in the phony circus? I'm sure he could spout platitudes with the best of them, all agent trained to talk about the team and god and family and wave the flag around. He is choosing not to. I call that right speech. Evidently, he has a foundation which helps youth, and the papers have been saying he could have promoted that organization. But wouldn't that have been like bragging about his noble devotion to his home town? Maybe he's all action, no talk. I have followed him for a while, since it was playing football at my alma mater, and he's no cookie cutter player. It looks like he's trying to play the game his way. He may not win, but is it wrong to follow his own head and heart? Why?
Again, sometimes right speech is right silence.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
We watched "Sense and Sensibility" last night. I have great admiration for Emma Thompson's script, for which she won an Oscar. And the actors are sublime, especially Kate Winslet. Jane Austen is a master at teaching right speech. Marianne has to learn her impulsive speech hurts herself and her reputation, but also her sister Eleanor very much. She learns that what is not spoken can be devious and cruel, as in Willoughby's charming disinformation. She learns that words must be backed up by actions or they are hollow. Colonel Brandon's actions speak more loudly than his words, and his sensitivity and insight into her life wins him her hand in marriage.
Then there are the characters who's tongues are like swords, wounding their victims. Lucy Steele is actively using her speech to manipulate and hurt others for her own gain. Interestingly, she ends up triumphant with the rich Ferrars brother. The Ferrars are a shallow, vain family with tongues like vipers. Austen has given us a taste of the real world, in which justice does not always or even often triumph.
And one of the highlights speech characterization is idle chatter, not intended to harm, but thoughtless and insensitive. Sir John Middleton, his mother-in-law and her daughter rattle on without enough empathy to see what their words do to others. They are cautionary characters, not bad people, actually kindly, but without the ability to really step outside of themselves to imagine a world without themselves at the center.
The whole film might be seen as a treatise on right speech and not speaking reactively, but rather responding with awareness and sensitivity. Pausing, as it were, before emitting sound.
Then there are the characters who's tongues are like swords, wounding their victims. Lucy Steele is actively using her speech to manipulate and hurt others for her own gain. Interestingly, she ends up triumphant with the rich Ferrars brother. The Ferrars are a shallow, vain family with tongues like vipers. Austen has given us a taste of the real world, in which justice does not always or even often triumph.
And one of the highlights speech characterization is idle chatter, not intended to harm, but thoughtless and insensitive. Sir John Middleton, his mother-in-law and her daughter rattle on without enough empathy to see what their words do to others. They are cautionary characters, not bad people, actually kindly, but without the ability to really step outside of themselves to imagine a world without themselves at the center.
The whole film might be seen as a treatise on right speech and not speaking reactively, but rather responding with awareness and sensitivity. Pausing, as it were, before emitting sound.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I have had two conversations this week with my husband that show the subtelties of right speech. The first ending with hurt feelings and vast miscommunication. The second was right speech. What was the difference, since the subject was the same? The first time my husband was reacting emotionally and something triggered in him that shut his listening ability down. I the reacted emotionally, hearing things not intended by him. He got angry, I got angry. Yes, this happens in marriage, and you never quite have the skill set to avoid it entirely.
The second conversation I picked a time, and this is key, when he seemed calm and fresh, and I spoke more carefully and asked questions instead of making statements, and I heard clearly some information I had not heard the first time around. That reassured me, and I reassured him, and we actually clarified the issue instead of obscuring it with childhood fears, old history that often makes hearing what's said difficult. I'm so glad I tried again, and he persuaded me not by demanding and vetoing, but by facts that I could assess and take into account.
Lesson: don't broach a tricky subject if you see the other person is tired or upset, or becomes upset during the talk. Back down and wait for a time when you can really hear each other and do some problem solving. Right speech involves shutting up and waiting to try later.
The second conversation I picked a time, and this is key, when he seemed calm and fresh, and I spoke more carefully and asked questions instead of making statements, and I heard clearly some information I had not heard the first time around. That reassured me, and I reassured him, and we actually clarified the issue instead of obscuring it with childhood fears, old history that often makes hearing what's said difficult. I'm so glad I tried again, and he persuaded me not by demanding and vetoing, but by facts that I could assess and take into account.
Lesson: don't broach a tricky subject if you see the other person is tired or upset, or becomes upset during the talk. Back down and wait for a time when you can really hear each other and do some problem solving. Right speech involves shutting up and waiting to try later.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Last night my writing group expressed how meaningful the group has been to each of them. We'll continue meeting, but it was a spontaneous appreciation of the value for each member of our sharing of our writing and our lives. The group has deepened, and we are drawn closer to each other by this sharing. I'm so impressed with how everyone it at ease with gratitude and it's voicing. Right speech with a generous and thoughtful intent.
We talked it over and agreed that our aging is facilitating this recognition of being grateful, of appreciating what happens as it happens, of having a modicum of wisdom to see the bigger picture and our interconnectivity. This is the upside of aging: seeing what could not be seen before, speaking of what was not spoken before, expressing heart fullness, and strongly feeling our connection to each other and the world. What we write seems universal now, and precious. We have something to say, and we say it and then listen to the others. Wow!
We talked it over and agreed that our aging is facilitating this recognition of being grateful, of appreciating what happens as it happens, of having a modicum of wisdom to see the bigger picture and our interconnectivity. This is the upside of aging: seeing what could not be seen before, speaking of what was not spoken before, expressing heart fullness, and strongly feeling our connection to each other and the world. What we write seems universal now, and precious. We have something to say, and we say it and then listen to the others. Wow!
Monday, January 26, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Yesterday, while my daughter and I were shopping, we had a pleasant interchange with the salesperson helping me buy something for my son. He went out of his way to wrap the present beautifully, and we chatted about how good he is at wrapping, and he said his wife was the real gift wrapper in the family. He proceeded to describe a gift from her he'd recently opened that burst forth with sparkly confetti . This was a huge, football type guy, but he was proud of his wife and thrilled by her talent. His appreciation of his wife was heartwarming, and we really liked this guy by the time we left. It felt like an opened window to a loving family and tender couple.
As we were mainly shopping for wedding stuff, it seemed auspicious to have this tiny glimpse into a marriage. I thought to myself that my daughter puts a great deal of effort into wrapping gifts as well and making things for people. This is a lovely quality in a person and I hope her fiance feels it. I think he does. And of such tiny things is a relationship cemented and strengthened. So we got a little life lesson in a simple chat. But one that I won't soon forget.
As we were mainly shopping for wedding stuff, it seemed auspicious to have this tiny glimpse into a marriage. I thought to myself that my daughter puts a great deal of effort into wrapping gifts as well and making things for people. This is a lovely quality in a person and I hope her fiance feels it. I think he does. And of such tiny things is a relationship cemented and strengthened. So we got a little life lesson in a simple chat. But one that I won't soon forget.
Saturday, January 24, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I'm listening to Magnetic Fields 69 Love Songs album. It always makes me smile. Song can be right speech or wrong speech. There is rap and other songs that can incite harming. There are songs that encourage division and duality instead of commonality. Those of us who are parents have experienced that desire to protect our children from lyrics that are hateful or destructive in some way. We are atune to the messages thrust at our kids. But music can be sublime and encourage our connection with peoples and situations far removed from our own experiences. I cannot imagine a wedding without music and at least one song that is that blessing to the couple.
So, I'm working on a tradition my family has of singing a song to the couple at the rehearsal dinner. The female family members sing and then I sing one song alone to the duo. It's important to me to express myself this way, and in our family music is important. We all sing, play instruments and share songs we love and have a history with. When the older two kids were little we sang "Here Comes the Sun" and "Jumpin Jack Flash" and we all could sing Bruce Springsteen Songs and Heart and Joni Mitchell. We all enjoy opera, musicals and choruses and everyone has been in a chorus in school and/or beyond. So singing our happiness is tradition.
The intention will be to soar with joy in a way not as easily possible with prose. We will let our voices lift and caress this new couple beginning their lives with song to see them on their way.
So, I'm working on a tradition my family has of singing a song to the couple at the rehearsal dinner. The female family members sing and then I sing one song alone to the duo. It's important to me to express myself this way, and in our family music is important. We all sing, play instruments and share songs we love and have a history with. When the older two kids were little we sang "Here Comes the Sun" and "Jumpin Jack Flash" and we all could sing Bruce Springsteen Songs and Heart and Joni Mitchell. We all enjoy opera, musicals and choruses and everyone has been in a chorus in school and/or beyond. So singing our happiness is tradition.
The intention will be to soar with joy in a way not as easily possible with prose. We will let our voices lift and caress this new couple beginning their lives with song to see them on their way.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
The kindness of right speech cannot be overestimated. I've just returned from a week away to settle my brother's affairs, and the sensitivity of the judge, my lawyer, the real estate people, the estate sale person, the accountant and so many others made all the arrangements as easy as possible. These are what are called "good Christian people", but they are like any people with a code of moral behavior: you recognize the intent and appreciate the comfort of the structure. People were sympathetic. I felt it. Their words were not hollow. They were following the : there but for the grace of God go I.
I took every opportunity to remind people there that my brother was a terrific human being, that I loved him so much, that it WAS a tragedy that he died. I spoke up for those who never knew him. I will honor him in some way when his house, car and stuff is sold. I will make the perhaps hopeless effort to keep his memory alive. I will speak well of him, and tell stories and not forget. But I feel him disappearing. It is very painful.
I took every opportunity to remind people there that my brother was a terrific human being, that I loved him so much, that it WAS a tragedy that he died. I spoke up for those who never knew him. I will honor him in some way when his house, car and stuff is sold. I will make the perhaps hopeless effort to keep his memory alive. I will speak well of him, and tell stories and not forget. But I feel him disappearing. It is very painful.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Our male dog was in the pet emergency hospital all night, and we haven't slept. He was crying relentlessly in pain. It's cervical, in his neck, and pain meds and anti-inflamatories are helping him be more comfortable, but I've been crying a lot myself. This afternoon, while he was crying out in the sun room, I began singing a chant to keep him company. Sometimes right speech is crying along with your friend.
He was telling us just how he felt. He let it all out. There is a lesson in that. Sometimes you just gotta whine and moan and go with the waves of pain. It's what I did in childbirth. You get very grumpy, your sunny disposition dissolving with the storm clouds. I'm going to pray for him and "gut up" (as Brad Pitt says in World War Z). I'm going to ace the hearing in Texas and get the house on the market and sell the car and get the contents of the house disposed of. I'm going to cry and whine to my friends at night on the phone, but I can do this. I'm going to live up to the example of my dog.
He was telling us just how he felt. He let it all out. There is a lesson in that. Sometimes you just gotta whine and moan and go with the waves of pain. It's what I did in childbirth. You get very grumpy, your sunny disposition dissolving with the storm clouds. I'm going to pray for him and "gut up" (as Brad Pitt says in World War Z). I'm going to ace the hearing in Texas and get the house on the market and sell the car and get the contents of the house disposed of. I'm going to cry and whine to my friends at night on the phone, but I can do this. I'm going to live up to the example of my dog.
Monday, January 12, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I had a lovely encounter with a friend this afternoon. She's had a traumatic month, with her daughter almost dying in childbirth and then a couple of weeks later her baby grandson almost dying. In between, a dear friend died. So she's in post traumatic stress mode. We talked about her state of grieving and mine, and it was tender and comforting. We looked at pictures of her grandkids on her IPhone, and the miracle of new life and death was uppermost in our minds.
This is a friend I find myself feeling intimate with in a new way after almost 30 years of friendship. She is deeper and wiser and more compassionate all the time. She's transforming and growing into a bodhisatva without the Buddhism. What a priviledge to be growing older with her and witness her strength and equanimity in the face of life's challenges. Talk does have the capacity to soothe the heavy heart and sore sufferings of life. I feel so grateful.
This is a friend I find myself feeling intimate with in a new way after almost 30 years of friendship. She is deeper and wiser and more compassionate all the time. She's transforming and growing into a bodhisatva without the Buddhism. What a priviledge to be growing older with her and witness her strength and equanimity in the face of life's challenges. Talk does have the capacity to soothe the heavy heart and sore sufferings of life. I feel so grateful.
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I've just returned from my two day retreat, and I had a lot of opportunity to practice right speech with my friend who came with me and various people I met during the breaks in the retreat. Today I had a lovely conversation with three women who were at their first retreat and had a bunch of questions. I hope I aquitted myself well in my answers. It was great practice for me to express what I feel about my practice and our teacher. I hope I was helpful.
I have a lot to mull over from the dharma talks and some insights I felt I gained from meditation and following the teacher's focus. Now comes the hard part: integrating what I've learned about myself into my life. One example, I was worried, feeling guilty and sad about my brother before he died, and nothing has changed because he died. So it's in my own mind that I carry these burdens, they aren't rational, and they are old, old habits of thinking that cause me more suffering than is necessary. Yes, there would be great pain for his loss, but the extras I add on are my own contribution to my suffering. Can I practice letting go of a responsibility I never had, a power I never even possessed? We'll see. Tune in next time.
I have a lot to mull over from the dharma talks and some insights I felt I gained from meditation and following the teacher's focus. Now comes the hard part: integrating what I've learned about myself into my life. One example, I was worried, feeling guilty and sad about my brother before he died, and nothing has changed because he died. So it's in my own mind that I carry these burdens, they aren't rational, and they are old, old habits of thinking that cause me more suffering than is necessary. Yes, there would be great pain for his loss, but the extras I add on are my own contribution to my suffering. Can I practice letting go of a responsibility I never had, a power I never even possessed? We'll see. Tune in next time.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Another tricky conversation came up yesterday, as my friend and I were trying to figure out how we're getting to the retreat this weekend, and we agreed on one plan that had some holes in it. When I described what we were going to do to my husband last night in bed, he offered to take us and pick us up. That seemed the most sensible. My friend is recovering from a major illness and is not released to drive on freeways, and I cannot drive at night. Can you believe it? We attempted to get a hotel room near the retreat for both nights, but couldn't get the first night booked. Yes, it's been a comedy of errors.
I was nervous calling this morning, but my friend must have been having second thoughts herself, because she readily agreed to my husband taking and picking us up, not doing dinners together either night, and instead having lunch on Monday to discuss the experience of the retreat (her first). So it all worked out with no offense being taken and no feathers to be smoothed over. I feel a bit bad, as I suggested this retreat, and then the organizers changed the venue from a couple hours away where there are tons of motels, to this place, with one, and it began to get more and more complicated.
That must mean I don't control the universe, or retreats or even events in my own life. Yee gads! What a shocker!
I was nervous calling this morning, but my friend must have been having second thoughts herself, because she readily agreed to my husband taking and picking us up, not doing dinners together either night, and instead having lunch on Monday to discuss the experience of the retreat (her first). So it all worked out with no offense being taken and no feathers to be smoothed over. I feel a bit bad, as I suggested this retreat, and then the organizers changed the venue from a couple hours away where there are tons of motels, to this place, with one, and it began to get more and more complicated.
That must mean I don't control the universe, or retreats or even events in my own life. Yee gads! What a shocker!
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
The friend did agree to video our daughter's wedding, and he was so sweet, so right speech, about it. He conveyed enthusiasm and immediate reassurance. He is a kind man. But I don't underestimate the thought I put into how I was going to ask him. And that I picked someone with a reasonable chance of accepting. I needed to get outside my own box and see what advantages and disadvantages doing the videoing would have for him.
If I can't see beyond my own needs, I'm in trouble with this asking of favors. If I can't notice I'm in tit for tat mode, then I will be surprised when the other person refuses. I want to give freely, not with strings attached. Boy oh boy is this part tricky. The payback mindset. I have been guilty, your honor, as charged.
Right speech includes right asking and right offering. Let the favor be freely given, and all's right with the world. Imagine yourself noble, and your friend bound by gratitude, and you find yourself in the quicksand of indignation and righteousness. I'm still a work in progress, perhaps never to be finished, but I'm trying, at least.
If I can't see beyond my own needs, I'm in trouble with this asking of favors. If I can't notice I'm in tit for tat mode, then I will be surprised when the other person refuses. I want to give freely, not with strings attached. Boy oh boy is this part tricky. The payback mindset. I have been guilty, your honor, as charged.
Right speech includes right asking and right offering. Let the favor be freely given, and all's right with the world. Imagine yourself noble, and your friend bound by gratitude, and you find yourself in the quicksand of indignation and righteousness. I'm still a work in progress, perhaps never to be finished, but I'm trying, at least.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I want to ask someone to take the wedding video so we have the video without the thousands of dollars a professional charges. We have a photographer, but she doesn't do video. It's a sticky situation, speechwise. I'm asking the friend to do this for free. I need to be honest, but also explain without seeming to toady up to him, that it would be a favor. I'm very nervous, and I'm very afraid of offending him.
He's so nice that I fear he'd do it and then maybe resent my asking. I know, that's minding his mindstream, but I can't help it. I have trouble asking for favors and this is a big one. I think I'd better begin the conversation with what I'm wanting him to do, then praise his photographic abilities, which I genuinely admire, then make sure he has an easy out if it doesn't appeal to him. I also need an injection so I can ask without running screaming from the room. Okay, so I have a little problem. But lately, I've been getting the balance wrong when asking friends for a favor, and there are a lot of favors around this wedding.
This wedding is a test of my nerve, and coupled (no pun intended) with going for the hearing in Texas and all the hiring and organizing and planning out there, I'm on overload. All my courage has drained out like a leaky oil can. And I probably can't expect the Medal of Honor or Purple Heart. This is secret bravery that no one but me knows. I guess the good thing is when I flub up, no one will be a witness, except for the people I've asked who are perhaps never quite as friendly again. Oh, dear, I'm talking myself out of it again, aren't I?
He's so nice that I fear he'd do it and then maybe resent my asking. I know, that's minding his mindstream, but I can't help it. I have trouble asking for favors and this is a big one. I think I'd better begin the conversation with what I'm wanting him to do, then praise his photographic abilities, which I genuinely admire, then make sure he has an easy out if it doesn't appeal to him. I also need an injection so I can ask without running screaming from the room. Okay, so I have a little problem. But lately, I've been getting the balance wrong when asking friends for a favor, and there are a lot of favors around this wedding.
This wedding is a test of my nerve, and coupled (no pun intended) with going for the hearing in Texas and all the hiring and organizing and planning out there, I'm on overload. All my courage has drained out like a leaky oil can. And I probably can't expect the Medal of Honor or Purple Heart. This is secret bravery that no one but me knows. I guess the good thing is when I flub up, no one will be a witness, except for the people I've asked who are perhaps never quite as friendly again. Oh, dear, I'm talking myself out of it again, aren't I?
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Ah, though miscommunications still abound, I believe I have a hearing date for Texas. I'm going to trust that my lawyer can handle and straighten out all messes. I know I can't. He seems very even tempered and calm. He has that great slow southern Texas drawl. I was born in Texas, so his voice is music to my ears. Talk about right speech! The man knows how to soothe.
I am going to trust I can do my part to reassure and calm all parties I have to deal with: bank, insurance, real estate person, estate sale person, neighbors, and on and on. On step at a time. Speak, pause, speak again, and LISTEN. Take notes so I know I really heard what I thought I heard.
Communication nirvana, here I come!
I am going to trust I can do my part to reassure and calm all parties I have to deal with: bank, insurance, real estate person, estate sale person, neighbors, and on and on. On step at a time. Speak, pause, speak again, and LISTEN. Take notes so I know I really heard what I thought I heard.
Communication nirvana, here I come!
Monday, January 5, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I just received an email from a childhood friend who was supposed to notarize an affidavit for the hearing in Texas. They are doing it today, but when we met here I thought I'd made it clear how urgent it was, and I assumed they'd do it when they returned to Texas on the 27th. I thought I stated everything politely but with ample explanation of why I needed the hearing. Right speech is the combination of politeness, gratefulness and clarity, and somehow I got the mix wrong.
When you ask a favor of someone, you are at the mercy of their timeline and priorities. That's right and fair, but sometimes so frustrating. I'd asked a friend to house a friend for my daughter's wedding, and last week I realized she thought she had not said yes, I had understood that she agreed, and in fact, she really didn't want to do it. It was a big favor, but I assumed she felt she owed me a favor or two, and other than putting my friend up, I was not asking for meals or transportation or anything else. Now I have to find someone else to take in my friend. Either I heard wrong, misstated myself or, as sometimes happens, she really didn't like the idea but didn't know how to say no.
This will keep happening to me throughout the wedding planning and the actual event. I try to be prepared, but mostly what gets misunderstood is a surprise, something you're not expecting. So I should expect surprises, adjustments at the last minute, and some begging and pleading to be necessary. I'm terribly shy about asking for help, so the whole process is challenging for me. I'm going to attempt to keep my sense of humor intact and remember the world won't end, and perfection cannot be achieved, no matter the effort. My daughter is having to learn this as well, as I don't believe she realized how many details there are for a wedding and how relentlessly you have to keep on top of the process. She was frazzled last night, and I felt bad for her and didn't sleep well, but this snowball is rolling downhill no matter what we do to slow it down. At the end will be a lovely wedding and tears and joy. But first, a bit of craziness and a dollop of frustration.
When you ask a favor of someone, you are at the mercy of their timeline and priorities. That's right and fair, but sometimes so frustrating. I'd asked a friend to house a friend for my daughter's wedding, and last week I realized she thought she had not said yes, I had understood that she agreed, and in fact, she really didn't want to do it. It was a big favor, but I assumed she felt she owed me a favor or two, and other than putting my friend up, I was not asking for meals or transportation or anything else. Now I have to find someone else to take in my friend. Either I heard wrong, misstated myself or, as sometimes happens, she really didn't like the idea but didn't know how to say no.
This will keep happening to me throughout the wedding planning and the actual event. I try to be prepared, but mostly what gets misunderstood is a surprise, something you're not expecting. So I should expect surprises, adjustments at the last minute, and some begging and pleading to be necessary. I'm terribly shy about asking for help, so the whole process is challenging for me. I'm going to attempt to keep my sense of humor intact and remember the world won't end, and perfection cannot be achieved, no matter the effort. My daughter is having to learn this as well, as I don't believe she realized how many details there are for a wedding and how relentlessly you have to keep on top of the process. She was frazzled last night, and I felt bad for her and didn't sleep well, but this snowball is rolling downhill no matter what we do to slow it down. At the end will be a lovely wedding and tears and joy. But first, a bit of craziness and a dollop of frustration.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
My Buddhist teacher has stated that the worst habit is comparing oneself with others. Certainly, it is the road to wrong speech. Several weeks ago neighbors stopped to talk to me and the lady stated that her daughter was getting married before mine, as if she had won a contest. It disconcerted me, because I'd never imagined there was any competition between us, as she acts superior to me in every interaction. I was surprised she'd bother to make a comparison, or think I would feel any envy or need to "win" over her in any way. We rarely see each other, and she usually gives me orders, or tries to, when she speaks to me. Was she more insecure than she appears? I had a moment of compassion for her. If she needs to one up me, she is terribly uncertain of herself. So I lightly wished her daughter happiness and went on my way.
But it's not that simple. She's a doctor, wealthy, with lots of achievements and prestige. Perhaps I would have compared myself if I saw us as similar, but I just consider us having completely different values. But it made me realize that a lot of the tall tales of my brother probably resulted from his being 2 3/4 years younger and wanting to do something first, or appear to be successful. When I published a book he said he'd written 50. I had 4 children, he had six. A recent one: he had start up companies that were worth billions (I'm not sure why he wanted to compete with me professionally, as I was a lowly adjunct professor of English and earned a pittance), but that shows the escalation and craziness of comparing. I wrote him back and congratulated him on his success. But it made me so sad.
Comparison separates us from each other and sets us against each other in a vicious duality that harms relationships. Most people are innocent: they built their sense of self on false values and have to keep proving their are worthy. Some of us feel unique and uncomparable, as my teacher described hamanity. We respect our differences, knowing underneath we all have access to the same Buddha nature, and that is the source of our sense of well being. If you love and respect yourself, comparisons seem bizarre.
But it's not that simple. She's a doctor, wealthy, with lots of achievements and prestige. Perhaps I would have compared myself if I saw us as similar, but I just consider us having completely different values. But it made me realize that a lot of the tall tales of my brother probably resulted from his being 2 3/4 years younger and wanting to do something first, or appear to be successful. When I published a book he said he'd written 50. I had 4 children, he had six. A recent one: he had start up companies that were worth billions (I'm not sure why he wanted to compete with me professionally, as I was a lowly adjunct professor of English and earned a pittance), but that shows the escalation and craziness of comparing. I wrote him back and congratulated him on his success. But it made me so sad.
Comparison separates us from each other and sets us against each other in a vicious duality that harms relationships. Most people are innocent: they built their sense of self on false values and have to keep proving their are worthy. Some of us feel unique and uncomparable, as my teacher described hamanity. We respect our differences, knowing underneath we all have access to the same Buddha nature, and that is the source of our sense of well being. If you love and respect yourself, comparisons seem bizarre.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I don't make New Year's resolutions any more, partly because I'm hopeless at keeping them, but mainly because I've taken my Buddhist vows, which are challenging enough. I have guidelines to keep me busy for the rest of my life. Right speech alone is so very complicated, and you add into the mix: not lying, not killing, not stealing, not misusing sexuality, not becoming intoxicated, not slandering, not being possessive, not harboring ill will, not praising self at the expense of others and not disparaging the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, and you are one busy gal.
I do try to greet the new year with gratitude, and awe at the continuation of my life. I pause to feel my blessings, which are many. Now today my Aunt Hazel died, at 92, and I'm feeling what a gentle, kind person she was, how sweet to me always, how lucky she and we were that she was on this earth a good long time, and what lovely memories I have of her. When my mother, brother and I would take the train back to Missouri to see her enormous family, I would either stay with my cousin Delores, who was twelve years older and married at 18, and in quick succession had three children. I was a kind of mother's helper and worked on the farm while I visited. But other times I stayed with my Aunt Hazel and Uncle Wyeth, who had four kids, two girls and two boys. I worshiped the girls, slightly older than myself, and everyone made me feel welcome. Is it any wonder that when I grew up I had two boys and two girls, like Delores and Aunt Hazel? I loved the kindness and calm in those families, and wished to model my own on theirs.
Aunt Hazel won't be around for 2015, and none of us knows what fate has in store for us. The lesson: enjoy our precious time here and notice all the blessings we receive. Today, I am grateful for Aunt Hazel in my life.
I do try to greet the new year with gratitude, and awe at the continuation of my life. I pause to feel my blessings, which are many. Now today my Aunt Hazel died, at 92, and I'm feeling what a gentle, kind person she was, how sweet to me always, how lucky she and we were that she was on this earth a good long time, and what lovely memories I have of her. When my mother, brother and I would take the train back to Missouri to see her enormous family, I would either stay with my cousin Delores, who was twelve years older and married at 18, and in quick succession had three children. I was a kind of mother's helper and worked on the farm while I visited. But other times I stayed with my Aunt Hazel and Uncle Wyeth, who had four kids, two girls and two boys. I worshiped the girls, slightly older than myself, and everyone made me feel welcome. Is it any wonder that when I grew up I had two boys and two girls, like Delores and Aunt Hazel? I loved the kindness and calm in those families, and wished to model my own on theirs.
Aunt Hazel won't be around for 2015, and none of us knows what fate has in store for us. The lesson: enjoy our precious time here and notice all the blessings we receive. Today, I am grateful for Aunt Hazel in my life.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I'm working on a blessing for our daughter's wedding. Right speech is important, as part of a ceremony to send them off on their life together and wish them well. What to include? I've worked up a draft that describes their qualities and compatibilities. A dash of humor is always nice. A bit of advice, no doubt on deaf ears, is a good inclusion. And some sense of them being part of a larger, hopeful renewal and movement towards engagement with others and the universe in which we live.
I know. It's a tall order. That's why I'm beginning now. Today I thought of a poem by Jo Harjo that would be lovely, but then it's not quite appropriate. There is an Apache blessing I love that might be squeezed in:
May the sun bring you new energy by day,
May the moon softly restore you by night.
Maay the rain wash away your worries,
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.
I want them to both know they are supported by their family and community, so this venture is a not a solo flight. I hope they feel the interconnectedness of all of us and swing like two kids in a hammock, held gently, but safely, by all of us.
I know. It's a tall order. That's why I'm beginning now. Today I thought of a poem by Jo Harjo that would be lovely, but then it's not quite appropriate. There is an Apache blessing I love that might be squeezed in:
May the sun bring you new energy by day,
May the moon softly restore you by night.
Maay the rain wash away your worries,
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.
I want them to both know they are supported by their family and community, so this venture is a not a solo flight. I hope they feel the interconnectedness of all of us and swing like two kids in a hammock, held gently, but safely, by all of us.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I watched the Rose Bowl Parade on TV this morning. I love that parade. The floats are amazing, the bands dazzling, the horses spectacular, and the day is always sunny, though this year it was cold for California, in the thirties. Many years ago we drove down with the kids and saw it live, and it was so much fun. Okay, what does this have to do with right speech, correct? Well, I'm about to make it work.
This year's parade honorary Grand Marshal was Louis Zamperini, though he died in July. The guy in Laura Hillebrand's "Unbroken". His family rode in the Grand Marshall's car. The theme for the parade was the inspiration of his life, and thus the parade honored veterans, immigrants, those who've suffered post traumatic stress , athletes, those who persevere through life's struggles and challenges. In a way, it was about the silent, unvoiced millions who make our lives richer and inspire us, but who are ordinary, every day neighbors, friends and family members.
At the very end of the parade, they honored a recent young veteran who has the Purple Heart, by giving him and his wife and son a brand new house. I admit it, I cried. Because we know he's struggled, we know his family has suffered, we know he is one of the invisible ones who have inherent nobility and who suffer for their sacrifices without complaining or making a fuss.
Right speech is honoring the quiet ones, the modest people who go the extra mile because it's the right thing to do. Happy New Year. Speak about your heroes during 20115. Show your gratitude and appreciation.
This year's parade honorary Grand Marshal was Louis Zamperini, though he died in July. The guy in Laura Hillebrand's "Unbroken". His family rode in the Grand Marshall's car. The theme for the parade was the inspiration of his life, and thus the parade honored veterans, immigrants, those who've suffered post traumatic stress , athletes, those who persevere through life's struggles and challenges. In a way, it was about the silent, unvoiced millions who make our lives richer and inspire us, but who are ordinary, every day neighbors, friends and family members.
At the very end of the parade, they honored a recent young veteran who has the Purple Heart, by giving him and his wife and son a brand new house. I admit it, I cried. Because we know he's struggled, we know his family has suffered, we know he is one of the invisible ones who have inherent nobility and who suffer for their sacrifices without complaining or making a fuss.
Right speech is honoring the quiet ones, the modest people who go the extra mile because it's the right thing to do. Happy New Year. Speak about your heroes during 20115. Show your gratitude and appreciation.
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