Yesterday I was down. I had that kind of silence in me that is not healthy. I felt too depressed to speak much. I attended both groups, but with a heavy heart. I didn't want to speak about my brother, but I didn't feel engaged enough to speak of other things. Perhaps I should have absented myself. When asked in the second group to share any news, I declined.
Everything feels like a slog right now. I haven't planned a ceremony for my brother's ashes, I haven't resolved any legal stuff, I'm waiting for the death certificates and the hearing and yet I dread them. I try to imagine beginning all the tasks after the hearing, and I feel exhausted. I'm sad.
Still, I am getting out. My husband and I are going to a movie today. I'm attending a women's night at a friend's tonight. I just don't feel like I'll be in the same mood as anyone else this evening, and I won't know them.
I'm trapped. What's on my mind is depressing, and it depresses me further to speak of it. So I am silencing myself. Wrong speech, but what is right speech in this case? Time will heal, this I know. But the holidays are rough, and in a few days a childhood friend and her husband are visiting, and they are witnesses for the hearing, and I will have to discuss everything with them, and that will be painful. Ugh.
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