Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband is in a mood.  I realized he was accusing me of taking his pens, which is ridiculous and then he compounded my irritation by implying I was eating the "good" cherries.  I was actually picking out the more ripe ones so they wouldn't spoil. Talk about wrong speech.  This is kindergarten stuff.  Whatever his problem is, it isn't me.  He has a lot of passive aggressive impulses when he becomes anxious.  I usually don't engage, but this morning I pointed out I didn't appreciate being the excuse for whatever problem is bothering him.  Then when I was getting dressed, he said he'd walk the dogs if I didn't want to.  I'd said nothing about not being willing to walk the dogs, so he was picking a fight.
My solution is to get out of the way and take a time out myself, until my real husband returns.  So I believe I'll find errands to do and keep myself away today.  And he can work on getting his anxiety under control.  He's not really fit right now for company.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My foster granddaughter and I talked about the English class system today.  I was taking her to see "Love and Friendship" from Jane Austen's unpublished (until recently) teenage novel about the ruthless Lady Susan.  I had to explain that in that era women had few choices, and no vote, no power and no independent money or work.  They married young and were desperate to marry, if they had no money.  This was like describing Mars to my eleven year old, but she seemed interested.  Then we had a bit of luck.  We went to a matinee, and it was a tiny theater and there was no one else there, so I could continue telling her who was who and what was going on, and remind her of information I'd explained over lunch.  I normally hate people talking in a movie theater, but we had the showing to ourselves, and this was challenging fare to one so young.
Taking her home I suggested she see "Emma" with Gyneth Paltrow, and the old Pride and Prejudice with Greer Garson and Lawrence Olivier.  They are both funny and pretty easy to understand.  She has seen "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" at a friend's house, so she might as well try the real thing.  And if all else fails, the costumes and hair and dancing should lure her in. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I received a lovely note from my step-grandson yesterday and he included his speech from his Bar Mitzvah, as we were unable to be there.  It was so sweet and open and hopeful and complex and intelligent.  What an amazing young man he is turning into.  And he had decided he wanted to address domestic violence, and I had written a book about it long ago and also worked in shelters many years, so here was this grand yoking in of interest and purpose.  I was touched.  That he is grappling with such a subject so young is amazing, and his consciousness of this issue will make him a sensitive and wise partner down the road. 
I feel he gives me recognition and makes me visible in a way I don't get much of in my ordinary life.  I feel appreciated.  What greater gift is there?  So I've written him back and I'm hoping as he grows older he will have the time and interest in communicating with me.  I'm open, I'm here, and more than ready.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a funny conversation with my eye doctor today.  They mark above your eye that is getting the shot, and I told him about my husband as a kid getting novocaine in one side of his mouth and having a tooth pulled in the other side.  He's still leery of dentists.  Then he said when he was five his father told him not to have novocaine because it was bad for him, so he suffered every time he had a filling.  When he was an adult, his same dentist asked him if he wanted a shot and he automatically said no.  The dentist asked why and my doctor explained.  The dentist said that was odd because his father always had novocaine.  So my eye doctor had the shot and it was a miracle:  no pain.  Next time he saw his dad he asked him about it and his father swore he'd never told him not to have something for the pain.  So my doctor realized he'd misunderstood and somehow withstood the discomfort his whole childhood because of the mixup. 
Perhaps my doctor, who is Asian, said, it was my culture.  No I replied.  My family told us to buck up, not whine and soldier through, so I probably never would have questioned my understanding either.  You did not go to my family for sympathy if you had a painful procedure (as I did when I had TB as a ten year old) or an authority disciplined you. 
Maybe the lesson is double check the instruction you believe you have received.  But a 5 year old would have a rough time questioning the big people.  It's up to the parents to question their child's experiences enough to get a feel for what is happening.  But often they just want to avoid that they've caused their kid some pain, and sweep it under the rug.  Oh, well, we all survive.  And eventually, we begin to question what we're told.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Everyone I know is shocked and confused by the Brexit vote, and we are beginning to realize we didn't pay enough attention to what it was all about, and what the ramifications of leaving the EU might be.  Now we are terrified that our fall election could end up being a shocker, with our country officially divided and chaotic.  Yes, indeedy, these are dark times.
I personally feel I didn't wish to inform myself well enough about Brexit, though there is nothing I could have done about the outcome.  But the people who were for it I kind of dismissed, and I see that was stupid and insensitive of me.  These are people in real pain, fearful, with stagnant wages and little future, who have been bypassed by the elite educated and tech savvy upper middle class.  They are suffering here as well, and that is something Bernie Saunders spoke to, and we turn a deaf ear to them at our peril, and to the risk of the health of the nation.
The widening gap between the wealthy and the struggling has widened more and more, and this is a distress call.  We cannot ignore the jobs issue any longer.  If we do, we will be saddled with an unfit, unwise president who is not the material for such a task.  We better be terrified now, or we certainly will be later.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Strange days!  Britain decides to be an island.  Self interest rules.  Interdependency spat upon.  The world seems to be acting out like a toddler in a candy store.  Adulthood is nowhere to be found.  The rest of us hunker down and hope to ride out the storm.  We have a Supreme Court one short, nevertheless deciding momentous cases.  The Constitution is represented as about selfishness, toting guns and not helping others out.  People die in police custody but no one is held responsible.
I sign petitions and give money, but it looks like the distractability of the citizenry is infinite, and everyone's busy taking a selfie.
I at least am fortunate that my congressional representatives are mostly on the right side of the angels, but they are looking more and more powerless.  They speak up and no one listens.  I hope this craziness calms down and cooler heads prevail.  I'm praying, and sending tonglen to all the world's suffering people and animals.  I take in the pain and breathe out sanity.  Others are doing the same.  

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I saw a super strange movie "The Lobster".  I found it riveting but depressing.  It has a very dystopian view of society.  I'm not sure exactly what it is saying, but it seems to be a world of repression, conformity and intolerance for love.  There is violence that is passively accepted, and some of that is definitely going on today.  Yet, in a strange way, love is real and triumphs, unlike "Ex Machina".  There is an emphasis on coupledom, such that if a person is not paired off, he or she becomes an animal of their choosing.  The main character picks a lobster, and oddly has some compelling reasons for his choice.  The film forces you to think, and constantly surprises you, though it has some disturbing scenes.
Sometimes its good to hear a new voice and point of view, and film is great for getting us beyond our friends and acquaintances to ideas and cultures that step outside the box.  I feel like I stepped out indeed for a couple of hours this afternoon, and I'll be thinking about the strange world I encountered with my movie ticket.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, I got some bad news, but not awful, at the eye doctor this morning.  My leak in the eye has probably started up again so I have to have the shots every five weeks.  I get the first one Monday.  You know how you kinda know?  Last time I felt he was worried and he told me then next time I'd have the photographs of the eye with dye injected in my veins.  And so the entire month I've been worried.  I felt terrible when I came in, and when I saw the eye chart less clearly I knew.  The good news is that they have a treatment and it's painless and it's still the same bad eye.  My other eye is holding the fort down.
He apologized and I said it isn't your fault, in fact I'm glad you were "paranoid" and insisted on the photos.  He is my favorite doctor ever, mainly because he's so competent, but also because he cares.  All of his employees are respectful and kind.  And though there are these improvements with macular degeneration, there is no cure.  So the road I'm going down is going to get darker and darker.  It had been 10 years since I'd had to have the photos, so I took a moment to be grateful for years when I only had to see him once a year, and the reprieve I got last year when after only 3 shots the eye halted the bleed and even was better than before.  I'm going to appreciate my care and luck so far.
Change is sometimes wonderful and sometimes hard.  But so much is right in my life I think my funk lasted only about an hour.  That's a world record for me for getting over feeling sorry for myself. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was in the car yesterday when I heard the Dalai Lama speaking to the California legislature.  At first I was doubtful that what he was saying would penetrate the minds of this political body.  But then he began connecting our well being and the planet's well being to education.  He had me at education.  His enclusiveness was profound and he was speaking not as a religious leader but as a compassionate being.  His formula sounded too simple:  love and compassion.  But it is true, and it is how I attempt to live my life.  He, however, is living it fully.  He speaks anywhere and everywhere, tirelessly, about healing and connectivity and respecting one another, the other life on our planet and the earth itself.  He is fully committed in a way we seldom see. 
Right speech is saying what you know to be true, and living those words in righteous actions that help others and harm none.  He is the embodiment of right speech.  There have been and are others, but yesterday I heard right speech in action, in the car, on the way to dropping off a birthday present to my granddaughter.  I'm lucky.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I sent a few Father's Day cards to Dads I thought were doing a good job, and already I've received appreciations from several, plus photos.  So the good will circles around and comes back to me!  And I've discovered men appreciate the cards as much as women do.  Maybe more, because we gals stroke each other when and how we can.  But the men are not supposed to be sentimental or recognized.  I love my new policy of sending out all these cards, and forcing the two holidays to be about what it ought to be about:  honoring the hard, challenging work of parenting and grandparenting.
I'm feeling really good about my effort, which only involves a couple of trips to card stores, and reaps happiness all round.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Seeing our friend and neighbor yesterday was poignant.  She was having a birthday celebration, and also celebrating her success with cancer treatment.  Success means giving her more time, not a cure.  She was warm and affectionate, and glowing, but also tired and had to sit down at times.  She is a warrior who is weary, and there are no words.  We chatted, the food was great, the day was warm and sunny and there was a sadness as well.  So much of life is complicated like this.  My friend's courage is inspiring.  She has made friends with fear and is enjoying each moment as it comes.  And we are enjoying her in the same way. 
All of this is unspoken.  There are no words.  Only heartache and loyalty to her and her path. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our granddaughter is flying by herself in a couple of weeks to visit us.  It's a big step for her, but she says she wants to do it.  I talked to her on the phone about it.  If she's like her mother, she will be fine.  In the old days we could settle our kids on the plane before takeoff, and of the three older kids (the youngest never flew because she was too young), the oldest was a nervous wreck, the youngest was fine because he had his older brother and sister on either side of him, and our daughter was mortified that we came on the plane and urged us to leave and stop embarassing her.  She always wanted to go-go-go, and later chose a college on the other side of the U.S., lived there after until she lived in Europe and then Morocco for three years.  She's now on the west coast, and we are thrilled.  Only a state away - a miracle.
I hope she doesn't get anxious, but I can't control what happens.  The flight attendants will reassure her and perhaps they will put her next to a kindly traveler.  She says she's bored now and wishes she could come sooner, so she's raring to go.  And we're raring for her to come.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been watching what I eat and losing weight, and struggling with the message on the scale:  I'm up a pound, down a pound, but can't get under the next 10 pound mark.  It's not a mystery.  When the scale says up I've stretched my foods to the limit, and when it's down I've been careful.  Today I got down from this plateau or mesa or whatever and it felt like a miracle of biblical proportions.  But really, it's not giving up, and knowing that even though my tests were great on my annual a couple of weeks ago, I need to lose more for my heart, blood sugar levels, knees and hips.  I've got 15 more pounds to get to the top of my BMI weight.  It will take until the fall or longer, and maybe that is a good thing, as I need to eat this healthily for the rest of my life.  Scales talk, and mine has been saying common sense whisperings in my ear.  I've mostly stopped the magic and superstition and wishing, and now see the relation between eating and weight.  My scale woke me up!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This weekend we're going to a birthday party of a friend who has Stage IV lung cancer.  She has responded well to treatment and been given several more years of life as a result, and she wants to celebrate the end of treatment and reaching this birthday.  She knows there will be only two or three more.  I'm so amazed by her transparency.  A friend and I bumped into her a few months ago at a charity auction and she shook her head and said, "I don't know why I'm buying this stuff.  I'm dying, yet here I am with a carload of goodies".  We replied we didn't need anything in our baskets either, but I was stunned that she was so frank and cheerful.  We laughed together, then she was on her way, meeting a friend in another area.
Courage and facing fear are all around us, but I'm so touched each time I witness it.  We will all be joyous that she is here, now, and hopefully for more birthdays.  And her prognosis doesn't lessen the joy, it makes it more poignant and heart felt.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A friend of mine suggested yesterday I send out a memoir I wrote years ago about experiences in my first marriage.  There was domestic violence, there was a husband who was Muslim and from another country, there was a police structure and general culture of not wanting to interfere with "private issues".  I tried to get help.  I blamed myself.  I was extremely lucky because my legal aid lawyer advised me to hide out with my two kids until I had temporary custody and my parents and brother supported me through the rough months.  Nobody had ever heard the term "battered woman" in those days.  I survived.  And because I was firm, and the legal system was firm, my husband scaled back his behavior and cooperated over time. 
Now there is this mass murderer in Orlando and journalists are speaking out about the obvious connection between domestic violence and these murderers.  Their friends and family have been intimidated and swept the "problems" under the rug.  Permission is thereby granted to feed the rage and target others if the wife victim dies or disappears.  There is a connection between rape and domestic violence and stalking and harassment and larger public acts of violence.  It's time to restructure the way the police are given carte blanche to continue domestic violence with impunity.  The courts need to fully support the victims, and the perpetrators need to know there is zero tolerance for such acts.  And by the way, judges need to be removed if they belittle violence toward women.  Women and children are dying in their homes every single day.  We can criticize India or the Middle East, or we can look in our own back yard and protect women and children. 
Silence and shame has not been working.  It's time to speak out and insist these perpetrators get help or get reported or both.  We all have a job to prevent such violence.  There are actions we can take to protect innocents.  Speak up.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter called last night and has offered dates for our granddaughter to visit this summer.  Oh happy day!  We love her visits and were wondering if there was time in her busy schedule this year.  So now we need to pin down dates and plans.  A joyous job indeed.  We also got another call which announced our son and his partner's buying of a house.  It's an investment right now, but the pictures are charming and they seem to have chosen wisely and well.  A lot of good news in one day!
I'm a bit overwhelmed.  It's hard to process so much so quickly, and especially after 4 days at our cabin where we have no cell phone service and got no land line calls.  The quiet up there is blanketing.  At night you hear nothing.  Well, nothing except for when one of our dogs ate some recycling materials and this same hyper dog tip taps with his long nails across the kitchen floor pacing or gets on a sofa and kicks the pillows off rearranging his nest.  At  home the dogs are downstairs and behind closed doors in the kitchen and we have a fan running in our bedroom to further buffer us from them. 
So the quiet before the proverbial storm.  Let the summer fun begin!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This morning my husband shocked me by suggesting I spend a check I'd just received on myself!  Such a thing has not occurred before, but he told me I'd been through so much with my brother's estate that this check should be a reward for all the stress and struggle with the IRS and court and investment firm and real estate person and lawyer, etc.  I think I'll take his advice and do just that.  I could look at an outfit without worrying about the cost, or buy and unneeded pair of shoes.  Yippee!
Now, of course I don't need his permission, and I buy stuff for myself frequently, but I appreciate his encouragement.  Normally, he looks dismal or certainly not happy when I return with shopping bags.
It's the verbal acknowledgement that I appreciate.  Surprise is good.  No matter if up until now my husband has not liked spending money, he's shifted, and it makes him more interesting to me.  Change is sometimes hard to spot, but this morning a shift occurred, and I do like this one!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday an 87 year old friend left a phone message about a movie we're going to see, only she thought yesterday was Wednesday and was a bit panicked about checking in beforehand.  She also thought we had to get their early, but we have assigned seats and I have the tickets.  I phoned back and left a message saying it was tomorrow.  Now tomorrow is today, and we'll see if she is early or waits until my suggested time of 6:45.  She's amazing for her age and sharp most of the time, but more and more confusion is in the mix.  I don't want to patronize her, and I hope my tone and message was light and easy.  Whether she should be driving over here at night is another story, but since I don't drive at night, I cannot offer to pick her up and bring her home.  She also lives on the other side of town which is at least a 20 minute drive.  Do I say no to night stuff?  She seems to drive okay.  But it doesn't feel right.  I certainly don't want to hurt her feelings.
She's so enthusiastic and fun to be with.  I don't want to dampen that joy, or act as if she is dottering.  I have my own problems, and do not feel superior.  But I'm determined now to pick only day activities to do with her, where I am able to drive.  That's what I did on our last outing, and maybe I'm going to have to search for things to do in her neck of the woods instead of mine.  Delicacy and tact are required.  I hope I'm up to it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night there were only three of us at our writing group and we were like schoolgirls playing hooky.  We chatted with no structure and barely recovered enough at the end to critique the two submissions we had.  The loosey goosey experience felt refreshing.  We weren't down to business we were out to lunch.  We're all a bit giddy at the end of the school year and summer coming along soon.  Sometimes aimlessness is right speech, when the feeling is universal and we're overtired and really, there were so few of us it seemed like the rules just went right out the window.
For me personally it was perfect, because all afternoon I'd been in a workshop with no break and the leader barreling us through the material in an unnatural way.  We were all frustrated a bit at the lack of time for questions and the truncating of interesting subjects.  Then I rushed home for dinner, which my husband picked up to save time and walked briskly over to the writing group.  I wanted to unwind and luckily the other two women did as well.  Nothing was said.  We just rambled to our hearts' content until the facilitator made us focus on the two pieces at the end.  I went home happy.  We are so attuned that we slipped into our conversational babbling as if in written agreement.  We were a babbling brook and the sound was lovely.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband wants to discuss the voting manual.  He has already voted by mail, but I'm doing it the oldfashioned way:  trudging up the hill to the next street to stand in line at a garage.  I don't really need him to talk, but I'll give him his say anyway.  It can't hurt to listen.  Many, many strangers have been calling to persuade me to vote their way, or at least give money.  I don't pick up.  I'll give some money later, but I refuse to be all twisted in knots right now.  I want to enjoy my summer.  I'm used to voting my own way, and don't require any nudges.  I respect that these people who call are trying to help their candidates, and I appreciate their effort, but I also know if I give one dime over the phone I will be besieged with calls for months if not years.  I deserve not to be swarmed.
The cacaphony is not condusive to measured thinking.  The panic is almost contagious.  I try to remain calm in an ocean of turbulence, and see the cycles as they come and go.  I'm a drop in the ocean, but I insist my drop be, well, dropped.  I will vote, not with a rush of hope or euphoria, but with dogged determination.  The way I always vote.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our younger kids and their partners went with me to hear their father sing Britten's War Requiem yesterday afternoon, and it was a powerful and poignant blend of music and poetry to express the anguish of war and the human cost.  I had tears rolling down my face by the end.  Poetry can express what prose cannot and music can go beyond either to tug the body and heart.  I was so pleased the kids seemed as touched as I was, and it became a kind of bonding experience.  Afterward, we went to a noisy, busy restaurant we all love and patiently (well, with margaritas) waited for a table.  We were naturally exuberant, perhaps because we'd faced death and were glorying in our present lives.  I felt that gratitude intensely:  we are alive on the plant right now and our time is brief and we are fortunate to not be in a war as are so many on this planet at this moment.  We were giddy with joy.
My husband was so pleased by us coming to hear his chorus, the orchestras and another chorus.  It was an easy gift, but his appreciation was palpable.  He thanked us, but we should have thanked him, because the afternoon and evening was transformed by music and poetry.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I spent a long time on the phone yesterday.  I wish I saw friends more in person, but that becomes more difficult as our lives get busy and we retire away from each other and traveling is something none of us is doing as often.  I checked in with my one friend about our grandchildren, and we caught up on what's happening with her granddaughter and my grandson, who are two weeks apart.  Then I had a really long discussion with my long time friend about grandchildren, our families, and some decisions I was in the process of making.  I felt comforted when I hung up, and the dogs love it when I talk on the phone.  They settle in around me and snooze. 
At the very least, I'm a good sleeping machine for the dogs.  But what also happens is I metaphorically balance myself by touching base with friends.  Partly it's because I hear way I say and know more what I think, and partly it's because I do really listen and absorb advice.  I am often too intense about stuff that comes up, and it helps when another tells me the world will continue on and whatever I do is not of major consequence.  So I must get a bit big headed, and need just the pin prick to get me right sized. 
I spent the rest of the evening watching a movie on TV that was aimed at thirty somethings, and I had that anthropological feeling I was researching what their lives are like.  The film was all about dating, and since I know nothing of that scene and never did, it made me sympathetic to the challenges and humiliations of people wanting to settle down but with the wrong people, or people searching for a life partner and coming up empty.  It's a rough world out there in the bars and clubs, and online; just brutal at times.  I was grateful my own kids have found wonderful life partners and seem to have achieved stability, family and love. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just had a conversation on the phone with a friend who is babysitting her granddaughter who is two weeks older than my grandson.  We love to talk baby talk.  She's been a huge support for me and we have shared tips and advice.  I hope to visit her sometime soon.  Going through being a grandparent requires a village and I have mine.  I'd love a guidebook, because the rules change every generation and I also need to feel my way around each of my kids to see what their style and needs are.  They are holding the reins, and I'm the horse pulling the cart.
Grandparenthood isn't automatic.  Yes, the love is.  I bonded instantly with them as I did with my kids.  But the relationship must be fostered and developed and I look to my friends and their experiences to feel my way around what to do.  The rewards are great, but there are challenges as well.  It's a process and a revelation.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I had a nice encounter with a salesperson at a frame shop who was helpful and made my search for a frame for a woodblock print I'd purchased on my recent trip quick and successful.  She took the time to show me the sale frames, found mats for me and I ended up with a combo that makes my $15 print look impressive.  I thanked her profusely and told her she'd saved me at least half and hour by helping.  I felt terrific as I left.
I love the stranger connection.  And it proves every time that though technically trivial, such connections alter the tone of the day and leave both parties feeling good about themselves.  We both made an effort.  Nothing to sneeze at, that.
Later I saw my therapist, and laying out several recent distressing events didn't transform them, but made me realize all the positive events in my life.  They receded in drama and emotional turmoil.  Because she has now witnessed the struggle I'm going through, trite as it seems, I don't feel alone.  I feel strengthened and more able to handle these little adversities. 
My foster granddaughter had a solo with her chorus for the song "The Rainbow Connection" from the Muppets Movie, and its as if today was humming along with that theme.  When there was an opportunity, I reached for connectivity and found a rainbow.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I talked to our younger daughter about a work decision she has to make this week for next year, and I was honored that she wanted to discuss it with me.  I thought about it before we talked and felt like I gave her my best advice, but after I had this niggling feeling that perhaps I'd suggested the wrong path.  I become nervous when giving advice.  When I was younger I was more confident, but as I age I see how complicated and convoluted life is, and I possess no certainty.  What I do know is that attitude is more important in facing change, and that many paths might be interesting and rewarding.  And then there is surprise.  The monkey wrench in the works.  So part of me knows anything can happen, and rehearsing and preparing don't guarantee an outcome. 

I'm watching big changes in my daughter's life:  first her marriage, now a child on the way, a new home and a different job.  It's a lot.  But we will be here to support her, and my confidence is in her not me.  She's an amazing woman.