I have a dilema with a cousin of mine. I had not seen or spoken to her since childhood, except for seeing her at a wedding twelve or more years ago. She lives in the midwest, and our paths never crossed. When my brother died she sent a kind note. Then she called and soon she wanted to tell me all of her and her husband's troubles. I thought I'd done a sensitive job of discouraging her. But in her holiday card she brings up the health issues of her and her husband again and says she's going to call. I don't know if this is lack of boundaries, lonliness or hope that I will help them monetarily. It feels icky and inappropriate, and though I stayed with her family a couple of times when my mother, brother and I visited, mainly I stayed with another cousin or her mother, my aunt. There is no intimacy to rekindle.
I know people when they get older look people up, get very sentimental, and want to "friend" people, but I'm much more private than that. I'm not on Facebook, because I don't want to have to respond to people I went to school with 50 years ago and read about their lives. I want a REAL connection or none. If that makes me a Luddite or stuffy, so be it. This cousin has been whining to me when supposedly she was offering me sympathy at the loss of her brother. I don't feel supported; I feel beleagured. What to say? Again, I will express my sympathy while offering nothing beyond it. I am not going to write her a check, or visit, or extend myself. I have plenty of cousins, and keep in contact with the two who've been there for me at every turn. But this cousin is a stranger, and I feel there is nothing to build on.
But restraining myself to formal politeness feels awful as well. I'm pushed into a corner, and she gives me no leeway. It's challenging. I feel like all I can really do is pray for her children or sister or brother to aid her. I feel guilty. But I cannot feel what I don't feel: any responsibility.
No comments:
Post a Comment