Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I have a dilema with a cousin of mine.  I had not seen or spoken to her since childhood, except for seeing her at a wedding twelve or more years ago.  She lives in the midwest, and our paths never crossed.  When my brother died she sent a kind note.  Then she called and soon she wanted to tell me all of her and her husband's troubles.  I thought I'd done a sensitive job of discouraging her.  But in her holiday card she brings up the health issues of her and her husband again and says she's going to call.  I don't know if this is lack of boundaries, lonliness or hope that I will help them monetarily.  It feels icky and inappropriate, and though I stayed with her family a couple of times when my mother, brother and I visited, mainly I stayed with another cousin or her mother, my aunt.  There is no intimacy to rekindle.

I know people when they get older look people up, get very sentimental, and want to "friend" people, but I'm much more private than that.  I'm not on Facebook, because I don't want to  have to respond to people I went to school with 50 years ago and read about their lives.  I want a REAL connection or none.  If that makes me a Luddite or stuffy, so be it.  This cousin has been whining to me when supposedly she was offering me sympathy at the loss of her brother.  I don't feel supported; I feel beleagured.  What to say?  Again, I will express my sympathy while offering nothing beyond it.  I am not going to write her a check, or visit, or extend myself.  I have plenty of cousins, and keep in contact with the two who've been there for me at every turn.  But this cousin is a stranger, and I feel there is nothing to build on. 

But restraining myself to formal politeness feels awful as well.  I'm pushed into a corner, and she gives me no leeway.  It's challenging.  I feel like all I can really do is pray for her children or sister or brother to aid her.  I feel guilty.  But I cannot feel what I don't feel:  any responsibility.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I called my dear cousin today.  I hadn't called in a couple of years.  I learned a wonderful thing by doing so:  my brother had written to her occasionally up until the time he stopped communicating with me.  So he had reached out to someone in the family besides myself.  That touches me.  I also reaffirmed my love for her and on the same day she had been to the funeral of a dear friend of hers.  Did I instinctively know to comfort her?  It's mysterious.  We caught up about our children and grandchildren and reminisced about her mother, whom I adored and my parents who were so good to her.  Both of us know one of us may die before we speak again, and we expressed our love and gratitude for each other.

It was so easy.  Even the part about talking about my brother's death.  My cousin is a truly beautiful soul.  It's been and still is a privilege to know her.  I'm so glad I reached out.  This holiday season is good for the impulse to reach out.  To say the things we often only think about but don't express.  We want to face the new year and it's challenges by clearing up the undone soul tasks of the old year.  I feel lighter and happier for having done so.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Negotiating how much to say about my kids to each other is challenging.  I don't want to betray confidences or criticize.  My default position is to listen and not comment, yet I find myself explaining or defending the subject if I'm not careful.  Normal worry or noticing something seems okay to discuss.  But sometimes I know more and other times less.  What about "filling in".  Tricky territory.

I had a fun time today with my daughter, but I was more silent than usual because I didn't feel comfortable about certain subjects, either because I didn't trust myself or I didn't want to worry her.  This second guessing is a bad habit of mine.  My caretaker mode goes into hyper drive and I get delusions of power.  I think I "know" things.  Very dangerous territory for me.  I'm better off being curious about another's "take" on a situation.  Then I learn something.  But what contortions I go through at times to get to that place of being open and curious.  I often begin from old stale thoughts that are really only suppositions. 

I at least know some of my own mind patterns and try to counter them quickly.  And that is the degree of progress I've gotten to at this point.  And I ain't no spring chicken!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our family is disinclined to hyperbole, and reticent about flattery.  One of our son-in-laws is effusive in his compliments,  often speaking of his "beautiful wife" and the genius of his sons and his own accomplishments.  It rubs me the wrong way, but what annoys you should be examined, and I was doing that yesterday.  Why should it bother me?  Because it's not "our" way of speaking?  He has every right to his own flowery speech, and it doesn't harm anyone.  My impulse when someone goes on and on is to doubt the authenticity of the speech.  But why?  It's not fair to him.

So I'm thinking he has something to teach the rest of the family about speaking emotionally and complimenting others.  I'm excellent at thanking people for their help and efforts and concerns.  That's my strong point.  But he does that very well.  So it comes down to difference in style, not substance, and perhaps I could be more enthusiastic, and take a page from his book.  Judgment comes up mainly because my family didn't "toot their own horn" or over praise.  He has a right to his own expression, and I intend to be open minded about it and even, just possibly, learn something.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A week of parties and the kids and grandkids and sheer joy.  The right speech aura was upon us.  Only the seven year old had a few slip ups, and that is to be expected.  The boys are older and wiser about what they say.  They have good manners.  I felt like this was the best Christmas ever, as we are all making such an effort to get along and compromise and accommodate.  I hope my efforts the last few years have subtly caused a change in atmosphere, and my husband has been working on keeping his negative thoughts to himself.  It all shows in good cheer and feelings of love and belonging.

Now I'm kind of all talked out and want to read, go to the movies and relax.  But I'm so grateful that the week went well, and it sends a glow on into the new year.  I'm at peace.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been cooking all day for our holiday party tomorrow.  Eventually, almost everyone rsvped, which is good.  We are having a herd, so I made a second trifle and lots of small rotis.  Tomorrow is the big cookout, and others will be beside me working, but today was quiet and I listened to CDs of Christmas music, which I love.  The anxiety of the party has dissolved, and now I'm in a state of happy anticipation.  My older daughter, her husband and their three children will arrive, which is part of the anticipation.  The party means friendship to me, and I value my friends so very much.  This is what I do to express my gratitude.  My son, who has been co-hosting with me for the last few years, is clearly of the same mindset, and he stablizes me and makes the whole planning thing fun and interesting. 

I attempt to have all the food ready before guests arrive, so I can chat with people and admire the small children of my son's friends.  I love seeing the awe at the tree, and my snow globes are a big hit with the little ones.  I love it that this year all four of our kids will be here with their spouses and children.  It's special.

So right now, the Christmas songs are right speech for me, talking of love and peace and joy.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A friend and I were discussing the Dalai Lama turning 80, and that he has said he will be the last, and the office will not be passed on.  She was upset, and I understand her grief, but I feel when I hear him say this, it is a lesson in how everything changes.  The Chinese have torn out the Tibetan culture by the roots and inserted Han Chinese in its place.  They may also pick their own heir as Dalai Lama, as they have with other Lamas, so the tradition is sabotaged and corrupted.  Tibetans have had to adjust to new lands and cultures, and it looks like there is no going back in the foreseeable future.  We all must adapt to change, and hope a new path for the dharma is born.

Change is the one constant.  When we trust that truth, and speak it, we aid people in seeing what is so.  Everything is evolving and transforming, including us.  But each time something dies something new is born.  Last year my brother died and my grandson was born.  I felt both deeply.  I will not be around for most of my grandson's life, but he exists, as do my other grandchildren, and I take comfort in them and the cycle of life.  This is what humanity is.  We can fiddle with this and that and pretend we have control over our lives, or we can enjoy our brief time upon this beautiful earth and treasure its gifts.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

On Monday I went to the eye doctor, and again I was impressed with how genuine he seems.  He talked about waiting in a long line at Trader Joe's, because his wife had sent him for one thing, and it took him forty minutes in line.  That was after immediately apologising for taking so long to see me.  I said it's the season of waiting and practicing patience, and relayed my own account of going to Costco with my son to shop for our holiday party.  His cheerfulness and the ordinary, relaxed nature of what he was saying makes me trust him all the more.  He's a real person seeing us as real people and not authoritarian or rushed at all.

He has a gift, and he reaps the reward of making his patients more cheerful and less fearful.  I calm down in his presence.

I've been attempting to emulate him in my interactions since the appointment, and I have a good job, I think.  But last night I woke up and worked myself into a panic about the holidays, and not being able to find papadums for the party and needing to figure out how the diaper pail and portacrib I bought for our grandson to use while here could possibly work.  When I got up this morning, I took two tylenol and repeated to myself ten times "it will all work out".  When I told my husband about my sleeplessness he immediately offered to do anything to help, and I realized I need to take him up on it.  Nothing needs to be perfect, there is plenty of family to help, and we're all in the long line to the destination of Christmas.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today my husband got very angry at our Christmas tree.  It was a bit crooked on the bottom, and I held it up for 30 minutes until he threw it down and stormed off.  This is the man who's son had offered to help him with the tree, but he was too manly to accept.  I know he was angry at himself, but he was dreadful to be around.  Luckily, I was having lunch with a friend and I stayed out as long as I could, and he had calmed down.  He hadn't gotten lunch, but if he was trying to punish me, no such luck.  I do not feel responsible for the tree, the difficulty, or his mood.

Over the years, I've learned to not argue with him, or try to make him feel better.  I don't say a word, and when he's ready he begins speaking to me rationally.  It's still stressful for me, but I have abdicated any responsibility for whatever upsets him.  It's his mindstream.  I am busy minding my own.

Thus there are few scenes or circular arguments, and each of us takes responsibility for our own happiness.  I don't enjoy seeing him upset, but I don't let him upset me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What is right speech for weather people?  We see a lot of hyperbole and story spun out of scant possibilities.  Today in both newspapers there were big articles on El Nino, though the storm supposedly hitting us last night was a bit of spitting.  There is a need for forecast, so one can judge the perils of biking vs the bus, and consider grabbing an umbrella.  For car commuters, it helps to know this underpass is flooded and that road may be shortly.

But then it gets crazy:  dire predictions, scare tactics, wind warnings, stories of the tree falling on a house and crushing the owner, video of the tornado taken from a truck right in its path, pictures of a flooded back yard, seen over and over again.  This part is not weather, it is high drama.  Anything to catch your eye.  Ratings over reality.  The desperation of the lonely weather channel.  Not right speech, not truth or anything close to it, not helpful, but to some, entertaining.

It would be nice if the weather people could stick to what is happening today.  Be in the moment, so we could deal with what is likely on our plate right now, instead of obsessing  over the house or car floating or blowing away.  Their job is to help us stay practical and safe.  I know, it's boring, and they get tired up there on planet TV.  But less prediction and more guidance on how to get from here to there right now, today, would be helpful.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I pick up my foster granddaughter from school.  I've been letting her choose what we do, and was relieved last week when she wanted to bake at my house.  Today, though, I'm going to have to exercise a bit of guidance, as it's our daughter's birthday and I must get my granddaughter home in time to rush back, change and be ready for an early pick up to go to the restaurant.  Usually, I give over the afternoon to her, and even if initial aversion comes up, I flow with her plan and end up enjoying it.  I'm curious about her interests and opinions, and we talk when we're in the car about her plans and how school and chorus and piano are going.  I try to de-pressurize everything.  After all, she's had a full day at school and then chorus rehearsal. 

I've learned so much from taking this tact of giving her control over our time together.  I've been educated about rabbits, dogs and many other creatures.  We've drawn countless pictures together and made many presents, sewing some on my sewing machine.  And I've seen her go from a baby who lost her dad to cancer, to a toddler, to a kindergartener, to a preteen 5th grader.  She has a new dad who has adopted her, a three year old sister, a new house, school, life.  I've seen her miserable and filled with joy.  I was with her when her dad called to say her mother was in labor and to come right home.  I taken photos at countless concerts, shows and softball games. 

I had an impulse to help that has given me infinite rewards.  I definitely want to keep going with that flow that took me to an amazing child.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

President Obama is asking Muslims to speak up about suspicious persons, and I understand his wanting the people probably most likely to hear something disturbing to help identify dangerous people.  But everyone should speak up if a threat or danger seems possible, including people who know mentally ill people with arsenals, people who overhear threats or "crazy talk".  Yet we all know why people are hesitant:  fear of reprisals, fear of scapegoating, lack of confidence in their own observations.  Possibly it all hinges on whether or not we believe in interdependence or individualism, and how compassionate feel toward others. 

What would I do?  I hope I would have the courage to speak to authorities in order to possibly prevent others from being harmed.  But I would be afraid.  I would probably be second guessing my perceptions.  If I'm honest I would have to say it would be a struggle for me.  The San Bernadino attack has caused me to wonder if some of my neighbors have guns.  I have been assuming I'm in a liberal enclave, but what do I know?  After my father died, my brother and I discovered he had a handgun in the closet.  My brother turned it in to the city police station.  When my brother died I found a rifle, pellet guns, and machetes, and he killed himself with a handgun.  I'd had no clue he had any of these weapons.  I didn't even know what was going on in my own family.  These weapons were no doubt meant as defensive, but their existence was disturbing.  Would my brother have killed himself if he hadn't had a gun at the ready? 

This territory is fraught with fear and confusion.  We certainly can no longer pretend guns haven't entered our worlds, for they are ubiquitous.  What we need is stricter control and more unheated dialogues about our responsibilities and our fears.  It falls on all our shoulders to protect in ways that are preventative, and we need perhaps to know more about what constitutes danger signs.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm practicing being extra kind to salespeople this season.  I thank them profusely, as when the transgender salesperson at Crate and Barrel tried her best to get me five more red pillows like the one I brought up to the counter.  First the computer didn't work, then she had to call up the warehouse, and then, after many minutes, no, there were no more, which is undoubtedly why they were on sale.  I thanked her for all her efforts.  I thanked every person in Nordstrom, and let them help me, which I normally wouldn't do but why not, really?  They didn't actually help much, but I was grateful, and one guided me in the right direction.  The Macy's person was very considerate, as a pushy lady was trying to get in ahead of me but the salesperson made sure I was taken care of first, without me saying anything.

What a tough time of the year for them!  Decades ago I was a salesperson at J.C. Penney for the holiday season, and the abuse I endured has made me extra sensitive ever since.  And it made me go to graduate school so I wouldn't ever have to have such a job again.  But there by the grace....

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What to say.  There are no words.  Until yesterday I hadn't realized there is a mass shooting every day in the U.S.  So actions of the few speak for all of us as Americans.  Do we not think it will happen to us?  We should be forcing Congress to enact some limits on firearms, but though the majority of us agree something must be done to keep guns out of the hands of people suffering from mental illness and children and that assault rifles are not for hunting game, we do nothing.  And people die.  Every single day.  Already we turn off on side streets to avoid drivers with road rage, we leave stores when people are shouting at each other, we pick up our kids early from school from a prick of fear.  These gun owners have changed our lives. 

I saw yesterday that in Norway almost 900 people had registered to hunt down 16 wolves, from an almost extinct population of 34 wolves.  And that is just people who obeyed the rules.  So there are dozens of people with heavy firepower bumping into each other to kill a beautiful animal that is being driven from all habits.

I'm beginning to feel that we in the U.S. are being driven away from our habitats and habits.  Maybe we are such couch potatoes out of fear.  "It's a jungle out there" has literally become true, with rage and hatred run rampant and the seeming only alternative is to turn up the firepower and blast each other to oblivion.  What is this craziness?  We can't run from it, we can't hide from it.  It is time to insist on sanity in Congress and begin to stop letting the few terrorize the rest of us.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

On Monday night, I felt a bit disconnected from my writing group.  I hadn't been in two times, which was over a month and people seemed uninterested in my writing, probably because it was from weeks ago and never got discussed.  I warmed up when other people began reading their pieces, and I realized again how talented my friends are.  Each person's writing is completely different but equally engaging.  At the end of the meeting we did quick writes and then read them to each other.  One of my friends wrote a piece off the top of her head so hilarious that I laughed for about five minutes.  I couldn't stop.  Her writing especially appeals to me, anyway, but this off the top of the head page was so goofy and wise at the same time.  Joy bubbled up in me and burst out.

Speaking with each other the way we do, confidentially, has meant a loosening up and bursts of amazing creativity.  Our voices are heard in a safe place, among friends and buddies, swim buddies, and we are all growing in our writing by leaps and bounds.  To be a part of this hub of creativity is thrilling, and I left the group reconnected and re-energized.  They have my back and I have theirs.  How fortunate we are!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Maybe it is too difficult to have a line that even hate speech must not cross.  But hate speech has become a spur to violence, a veritable encouragement to those who are filled with nameless rage and willing to act on it.  I'd like to see media voluntarily refuse to broadcast such speech, instead of lapping it up like cream.  This is not journalism.  This is bread and circuses.  Innocent people are being harmed each time words become action.

Perhaps sponsors could take the lead and not support shows on radio or television that highlight hate.  Children and teenagers are not protected.  I feel the same way I do when I go to an action movie and see a tiny kid dragged into the theater to be terrified and later probably addicted to such violence.  Is there no advocate for these kids?  And mentally ill people suffering because of lack of shelters, medicine and compassionate care:  are they to be left to complete horrific acts that destroy themselves and others? 

Our only sense of protection seems to be gun owners, and supposedly they can protect themselves, thank you very much.  So why, why are we not speaking up?  We need to drown out the hate speech by voices of reason and compassion and refuse to let these running off at the mouth thoughtless figures dominate our discussion on anything.  They are guilty though not responsible.  Don't encourage them by sitting open mouthed as they drone on.  Shut off any media that glorifies them and speak from your heart about YOUR values.  And protect the innocent from this evil influence that is holding sway throughout our land.