Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been with my baby grandson the last three days, and right speech is talking to him, mimicing his sounds and repeating sounds for him.  Inside that amazing little mind is the ability to quickly learn to understand and then to speak.  Lots of singing also goes on.  His name is in the songs and they are about wild babies and riding around town (while we're rocking) and how much he's loved and introducing him to his home.  His sounds are delightful.  He is responsive and big eyed about this brand new world.

And looking at the world through his eyes it is new and bright and glorious.  The shadows on the walls, the lines in a fabric, the lights in on the ceiling:  all so magical.  Baby view is the way to see life, for sure.  And when they're around us, they gift us with joy and gratitude.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I spoke up for someone this morning, I hope in a good way.  Road Scholar had sent me a thank you note for pushing a woman in the group in her wheelchair at the museums, and it was not myself but another woman with the same first name who did it.  So I called and left a message that I hoped they would write another note to the right woman, because I felt she'd gone above and beyond the call of duty and that the leader should have asked each of us to push for an hour so no one would be burdened with the care of this person, who was supposed to be be able to walk and was difficult to boot.  I felt offended that the leader couldn't distinguish the two women with the same first name in a group of sixteen.  So not only was I appalled for the woman who should have received a thank you, and felt invisible to the leader.

This woman in the wheel chair did upset me from the very first moment she sat down with my friend and I and proceeded to be rude and critical at every juncture.  I was polite with her each and every time, but she seemed a bully.  Then to discover that she expected to be pushed around in a wheelchair at museums meant she needed help that she had not prearranged for.  She might have brought a companion, informed Road Scholar ahead of time (maybe she did) and made a general request to all of us.  I did push a bit the first day and carefully opened doors for her throughout, if I was around, but she ended up isolating the woman who took on the task, and I'm pretty sure she went where she wished, and ordered the other woman about.  Yes, I know, that woman should have spoken up, but I would have waited for rescuing from the leader and I'm afraid she might have been the caretaker type, who gets sucked in easily.  Again, her problem.  But I see it ultimately as a failure of the leader.

I really hope I'm wrong and the other woman with my same first name was happy to be of service and enjoyed the company of the woman.  I'm afraid I would have been tempted to push her into the bushes!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's hard to make a case for right speech when there is so much wrong speech coming out of the mouths of Republican candidates.  Hate speech in some instances.  And I read this morning in the newspaper that Republicans believe Trump will be the most viable candidate with Ben Carson second.  Does this mean they see this speech as normal and representative?  I sure hope not.

But people have been desensitized by television and the internet.  Somehow racist, sexist speech has been mainstreamed into our culture.  I'm disturbed.  There seemed to be, in the past, an understood line that one did not cross whatever private feelings or opinions one held.  But now there is no privacy, and everyone is exposed to ignorance, prejudice and the blame game.  How do we recoup our sense of decency?  It's certainly not going to happen if speakers are rewarded for hate.  It really seems to have come to bread and circuses.

I'm saddened.  I've nothing against Republicans, but I don't recognize what they've become.  Is it really okay to say anything, when you are aspiring to the highest office?  How will these people behave if they are in positions of power?  They would speak for our country and to other nations, and it seems as if the disintegration of relations with other countries would follow.  Do we no longer want coexistence and peace in the world? 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today's dharma talk was about fooling ourselves with our identities and labels, and being unable to see through them to who we really are.  Something deeper unites us.  Getting hung up in being a "wife", "mother", "woman", "teacher" makes us struggle to fit ourselves into these labels, and we smother ourselves often.  I've often felt like a fraud, as if I wasn't a good enough "grandmother", when that is really because I'm not that label, I am a stack of labels, fluidly ebbing and waning, but the fit is not right and comfortable with any of them.

And then he told us never to call others names and not to criticize others either.  We're all guilty of those uses of speech and I felt very guilty when he mentioned it.  I'd just been saying some critical remarks about a third party to a friend, and I immediately regretted my speech.  It's unfair, and I am disturbed at the very thought that someone would try to sum me up or judge me in the way I was judging this person.  My Buddhist teacher told the story of a man who called another a monkey, and karma made him endure 500 lifetimes as a monkey himself.  My teacher realized as and adult that the story was metaphorical, but as a child he worried he was going to turn into a monkey if he slipped and called others names.  It caused him to be very careful of his speech.  As I'm resolved to be more careful of mine.  Lest I begin swinging from trees.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I saw the movie "Bridge of Spies" a few days ago, and both of us felt it exceeded our expectations.  There is a message embedded in the essence of the film that talking can work wonders, and deescalate tensions that might harm the many.  Diplomacy was at it's height then.  No one wanted another world war, and all sides wished to avoid violence.  The viewer gets the feeling that our current Congressional impass is because this art, and it is an art, is devalued.  Now people want dramatic statements and acts that draw the attention of the media.  Secrecy, and conversations involving negotiations are devalued.  The public has the right to know.  But it has turned out that the public is in the line of fire for judgment, hatred and sensationalism.  Witness the Bengahzi hearings.  There is much posturing and no information.  Like Bernie Sanders, we are fatigued with this public display.  Not everything can be reality TV.

We have a counter example of the old fashioned diplomacy in Pope Francis encouraging Cuba and the U.S. to loosen up their ancient stances and come to agreement on reasonable relations.  So the old way is not dead.  And there is every indication that John Kerry is working tirelessly behind the scenes to make tensions in the Middle East ease a bit.  But this understanding of diplomacy takes thought and a belief that this is a skill not everyone possesses.  Therefore we have to leave diplomats to the necessary privacy of their calling.  Yes, they are ultimately responsible to us.  But they are not required to entertain us and expose every step of their decision making.  We have a representative government, not a circus.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a walk with a friend yesterday, and I appreciated the talking being mild and gentle.  This friend and I can get at odds pretty quickly, so I'm happy when the discussion is easy.  She brought some love letters between her parents that her brother had found recently.  I read one from each parent and then she selected one of each to read aloud to me.  They were from the 1920's and very touching.  Both were Swedish, from farm families, and living in North Dakota.  She was 19 years younger than he.  There was a lot of reference to God and prayer, as they were both Pentecostals and met at a night prayer meeting in a tent.  There was so much gratitude in the letters, though she had lost her mother at two and her father remarried and lost wives several times afterward.  Her older sister fell in love and followed a man to New York, and when he rejected her, she killed herself.  It was a hard life on the prairie, and yet, and yet, they loved passionately, married quickly, and had five children.  They spoke of their good fortune instead of their hardships.  She couldn't afford a wedding or a dress, and he had to postpone the honeymoon until after the corn was harvested.  Their religion gave them hope and strength.  I was touched and their loving words, so many decades later, being discovered and appreciated by their children.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I deeply appreciate Joe Biden's announcement yesterday that he was not running for President.  The transparency of his grief and the process, owned up to so publicly, is an example for the rest of us.  He took care of himself and his family first, and acknowledged what all of us know, that grief is not so simple or as speedy as we might like.  Grief hits in waves, it distorts our decisions, it saps us of energy, and it takes its own sweet time to work its way in each of us.  We make a timeline at our peril.  I feel the health of Vice President Biden and his family has been considered seriously and wisely.  We ignore or push grief aside only to find it relentless in its pursuit of us.

I appreciate President Obama being at his side when he made this announcement, and the respectful coverage of this private decision made public.  I'm sure Biden would have made a terrific candidate, but the intention must not be to fulfill his dead son's dream for him, but for him to be in robust health in mind and body.  The dead are dead, and the living must assess their limits and multiple responsibilities.  Now the Bidens can care for their son's grandchildren better and more often, they can take pauses for their own waves of grief, and they can remember their son and support his family.  That is the highest calling and the greatest honorable behavior.  Bless them.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday my younger daughter and I went to visit the new baby.  And I noticed that my daughter-in-law's mother was warmer to me and more talkative.  In the past she's been quite cool.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that my dogged politeness has paid off.  Whatever aversion and distrust she seemed to feel before has softened, maybe because of my determination to back off and give her the rights as First Grandmother, or maybe because a baby brings people together.  The important thing for me is to be aware of it and not be acting out of previous experience, but rather with what is happening now.

I enjoyed talking with her yesterday and relaxed around her.  She's a tiger with her daughter and yet she's been with her almost three weeks, so the hunger and missing she experiences has been sated, and she knows she's coming back in January.  I've been careful to come up only once a week and let her interact with the baby and her daughter however she wishes.  I am reassured I will have my own time after she is gone, but I won't be needed as much as she has been, because the parents have gotten their bearings and are feeling more confident now. 

I'm grateful for this change, and know it will benefit our kids and grandkids as well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just listened to a dharma talk of my teacher.  He used the term "mental proliferation" to describe busy mind, the opposite of quiet mind, where there is space to turn inward and to be more conscious of each moment.  We don't actually see our busy mind unless we pause and sit in silence.  Then we have the tools to notice our thoughts and reactions to those thoughts.  So is it any wonder that mental proliferation leads to wrong speech?  We become impulsive and unwise.  We blurt out opinions and judgments galore.  We are Donald Trumps.  Oh, dear.

For some people it seems to be amusing to see such a messy mind.  To others of us it is our worst nightmare.  Our jaws are wired open and we can't shut up, and whatever fleeting thoughts we have are exposed to the world and come to represent us. 

I've worked hard to have some silence in my daily life, and to not run away from thoughts, feelings and ideas that flit through.  I'm human, and this is how we work.  But I don't think of myself as defined by such thoughts.  I know I am capable of deeper reflection and contemplation, and have inner resources to make my interactions non-harmful and kind and compassionate.  With all the turbulent news and blasting of unconscious minds, our consciousness is more important than ever.  We must clean out the house of our minds, to make space for what is truly important and true to us.  The now popular tidying up book perhaps hints at a deeper need in all of us:  the need to keep an uncluttered mind so that our love and compassion our at the forefront of our speech and action.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going to the eye doctor today to check and see if my bleed is still dry.  I'm used to it, but not sanguine.  I become very stressed beforehand, and doing the eye test has become scary.  Maybe it's the eleven years I've dealt with this fear of losing sight, or more sight, I should say.  Instead of calming me, I've got that dread that something bad is coming.  I've only got the one good eye, and if/when that goes I'll not be able to read or drive or be as independent.  I had kind of relaxed into the degree of vision loss for ten years, but since the new bleed in May, the ground beneath my feet has shifted.  Yes, they have given me back the sight I just lost this year by the amazing injection they can do, but it's shaken me.

This Thursday I see my therapist for the first time in a while, and I need to talk about my stress.  I need to admit the cost to me daily, with the possibility of vision loss haunting me.  I was coping well, but right now I'm not.  It's time to fess up and get more support. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My next right speech challenge has to do with answering the online feedback about the Road Scholar trip I just took.  I know, just tell the truth.  But the truth today may not be how I feel about the trip next week or next month.  I understand I'm settling back in and haven't had any time for reflection.  Did I like the trip?  Yes, but they want details.  And there are many things that could stand improvement.  Then there is the fact that I went with my best friend, and we can have fun anywhere.  So how much credit goes to the program, and how much was seeing my friend after many months? 

But the irrational is just as huge for me.  I like to be nice.  I like to be good.  I don't want to criticize.  I can all too easily put myself in the shoes of the organizers and the leader.  Nobody's perfect, this wasn't a high cost trip, so many excuses, so little time.  I'm not the kind of person who expects or can demand everything be perfect.  I don't feel I deserve it.  I blame myself for not speaking up - actually, sort of for not fixing it.  There is a catch 22 for you!

I'll bite the bullet later today and fill out the thing.  And try mightily to not think of it again or be self conscious while I answer the questions.  And my form is one of sixteen and not important in the higher scheme of things.  But it's speech, and I want my intentions to be helpful and honest.  It's not a lie detector test or a result that will change anyone's life.  But the pressure, oh, the pressure.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just had a nice getaway with a friend, looking at art with a Road Scholar program.  Lots of right speech from others in the group and between my friend and I, and a smattering of wrong speech noticed and noted.  There was one individual who, as my friend said, didn't have her filters, and she was inappropriately interrupting and drawing attention to herself and criticizing others.  My friend and I just tried to give her a wide berth, but without obviously avoiding her.  The last dinner together she announced I didn't look Indian, and I replied she must have not gone to many powwows, and she insisted she knew what an Indian looked like because her brother-in-law was Indian.  I told her if it felt better to her she didn't have to believe I was Indian.  Then she proceeded to tell me all about Indians of the Northeast, and I listened politely until the subject was changed.

Why engage?  We're all seniors, and I'm not going to change her options or behavior.  I decided to think it was funny.  But she was one of 17 people, so really, what did it matter?  Clearly, she was desperate to hog the attention, and somehow managed to corral one of the group to push her wheelchair at each and every museum.  I felt sorry for the kindhearted woman, but she said it was fine.  What should have happened, in my opinion, was that our group leader asked each of us to do an hour so that nobody bore the responsibility that was not part of the program.  But I stayed out of it, and had a drink with the "pusher " several times when we returned from a museum when she asked. 

Another woman decided to be an expert lecturer, even though we had professors give us talks and docent us through museums.  I felt irritation arising, and judgment, but I worked to keep letting it go.  And I admit, she had some interesting things to say, it was just fatiguing to sit there for  the regular lecturers and then listen to her two cents as well.  

But my own behavior is my only business, and I handled the minor irritations without flaming anything up into strong reactions or feelings.  I give me a B.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Right speech this week is for me expressing great gratitude to the hospital, friends, family and all persons involved in the birth of our grandson.  His mother labored for 30 hours without drugs, his dad right there beside her and two doulas plus the hospital staff her village.  Many friends supported her mother and my husband and I as we waited and then shared our joy at the safe birth.

I gave flowers to the hospital staff today and to my daughter-in-law and son on their heroic labor.  I wanted to give flowers to the whole world!  I'm exhausted, but so very grateful to have been a part of this experience of life affirming triumph. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We have a celebrity culture, one that appears to have children and teens aspiring to their five minutes of fame.  They watch television and see people like themselves on reality shows, in the news, and dominating the landscape of violence.  The easiest route to celebrity seems to pick up a gun and hurt enough people to grab some attention.  You might die in the process, but these kids don't really understand death, either of themselves or others.  Because they see so much death on cop shows, in violent movies and on the news, it loses its sting.  Somehow it doesn't occur to them they will not be watching themselves on the news, at least most of them.  The Charleston gunman will. 

Why do we idolize this kind of fame/infamy?  Those of us who are erased and lonely may feel we are expressing our existence.  We see ourselves as champions of a cause.  Somehow heroism is skewed to be gunning down defenseless people. 

We know it would help if these sick individuals were not able to watch so much violence, and access websites that advocate hate and violence.  But the internet has made control of all kinds of pornography and hatred easy.  We are beyond parental controls, when kids can go next door or to the library to see what they cannot at home. 

We know that lack of access to weapons would help.  Let's pass some gun control legislation.  

We can offer alternatives for kids.  They would rather be seen and listened to for the most part than sulk isolated in their rooms.  After school programs, mentorships, sports guidance, clubs, and counseling can make a difference.  And they might just change the kids' ideas of what feels good and who they are.  They want to be visible.  They want friends.  Real friends who they see face to face not on a website.  Make it happen.  Speak up and then listen to them. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My son practiced right speech by calling me last night the minute the midwife had done the stress test on the baby.  All was well, and they will schedule inducing the baby Thursday or Friday if he's not come out on his own by then.  They have an appointment with their doctor Wednesday.  So with all that and my daughter-in-law's mother with them, I'm reassured and confident the baby will be born this week.  If I'd called, I would have been afraid I was pressuring them or conveying worry.  His thoughtfulness eased my mind greatly. 

Keeping in touch is really important at certain times:  big events like a wedding or birth, after tension or conflict, during health issues, and when you know not knowing is stressful.  It's the kind and caring thing to do.  It does take a village, and the village needs to be kept informed.  I know I appreciate being in the loop, and I've tried to keep the people who are supporting me through this birthing process up to date.  I like to get the updates and birthday photos and reports of the first day of kindergarten.  I want to hear about health problems and share worry and concern.  Otherwise we're on separate planets, and it feels lonely. 

So today I'm optimistic and excited again, and imagining that little fellow in my arms.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm in this strange position of friends waiting for news of my grandchild's arrival, so they aren't bugging me and I have no plans with them.  I'm kind of isolated, because now it is my daughter-in-law's mother who is there with them, and we are outside the loop, in a way.  I have no activities planned, as we'd expected to be helping out, and I feel I should wait to contact people until I have baby news.  I'm anxious, as the days go on, and would be so relieved if the little fellow would arrive.  I've distracted myself about as much as I am able, and when friends do contact me they have advice which I cannot pass on, because I don't want more pressure on the couple.  They have a doula, a doctor and now mom there, and all my relaying advice would do is add to stress.  At least I know that.  I have that much sense.

Now the pressure I feel is nothing compared to the impending parents, and I'm sending tonglen to them in my prayers.  This is a momentous time and event.  I can see my daughter-in-law is tired and worn from the anticipation, and the responsibility.  She's being so brave and upbeat, but now wakes up at four am each morning.  It's time, or almost time at least.  I'm powerless to ease them, but I'm trying to ease myself as much as possible.  And it's challenging.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I visited our son and his wife.  They are overdue with their first baby, and being pressured by their doctor to be induced.  My daughter-in-law feels they had the due date wrong and that her real due date was yesterday.  They have been warned about the danger of waiting until 41 weeks, and at 42 weeks there is danger of stillbirth.  They are assaulted by words and percentages and it must be so difficult for them.  Tomorrow her mother flies out, so hopefully she'll been comforted by her, as she is a physical therapist and in the medical world.  I could only listen to what they were feeling and ask a few questions.  My first three children were quite late, and nobody worried about it in those days.  The last was a week early.  They were all fine, the labors were short and sweet and I needed no drugs.  But birthing nowadays is a different culture, and I can't say I understand it.  I am feeling fearful because the doctor is so insistent, and, of course, at my age I've heard horror stories and every kind of story possible.  I'm confused.  Birth gets really scary if you think about it too much, which I am now doing.  I'm going to pray for them, as I have been.  I will calm myself, because getting stressed is not helpful to them.  This is their show, and it will unfold however it will. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday my granddaughter and I went to a pet store, as we often do.  Currently, she's in love with the idea of a hamster and a beta fish.  What she really wants is a kitten or another bunnie to mate with hers, but she's ten now and has figured a few things out.  She tries to keep her desire for a menagerie damped down.  Her mother dislikes cats, so that's not going to happen.  So she's thinking little.  I, as usual, spent time with the birds.  I'm fascinated and disturbed by them.  It seems unbearably cruel to keep a bird from flying.  Flying is their whole essence.  My granddaughter was in raptures also over a guinea pig.  We spent an hour there, coming out with a spongebob ceramic house for her goldfish and a bag of treats for her bunnie.  On the way out she said she wished her parents could let her have a hamster. 

I said, "Maybe they don't want to add another chore to their list.  Don't they do most of the caring for the bunnie, dog and goldfish?"

She admitted her mom walked the dog.  I asked who fed her and bought the food and took her to the vet?  Her parents.  She wished her parents would let the bunnie be in her room, but the hatch had been so expensive, she couldn't ask.

I suggested maybe if she did all the tasks for the three pets she had, maybe they'd be more amenable to the idea of another animal.

It was as if a light bulb had gone off.  "Yeah, if I take really good care of my dog, then they might let me".  She had a plan.

I reminded her than when she grew up and had her own place she could have as many pets as she wanted.  But right now, she was awfully busy and gone all day at school, so having pets was tricky.  "And your parents both work too and have your three year old sister to attend to". 

She's ten, and seemed to have reached the age of reason.  She was thinking.  She asked for a smoothie and we changed the subject.