Wandering Along the Path; Right Speech

Language is strange.  The difference between "a fool's errand" and a "wild goose chase" is the word "fool".  I'm being labeled in the first phrase and in the second, it's merely that the search will be like "finding a needle in a haystack".  The first is derrogative and the second merely descriptive.  Need we sift through our metaphors for hidden labeling?  Well, if I have time on my hands it certainly doesn't hurt to examine what I'm saying.  Attention to language is awareness.  It sorts out unintentional harming.  It's good practice for the mind.  How to I test if the phrase has hidden harm?  How I feel when I hear it, really hear it, is a good sieve.  So, if I use my father's phrase "whatever floats your boat" without his sarcastic tone, it's neutral.  It expresses tolerance for others.  My mother often said "to each his own", and that is exactly what my father's phrase should mean.  Perhaps she was sarcastic on occasion as well, but I do think she was generally less judgmental than my father. 

I need to therefore see if the phrase is neutral, then carefully listen for my tone.  Any phrase, including "great" can be nasty with the right tone and body language.  Why bother with the phrases?  Because the delight and richness of language is meant to be used.  If we just stick to the facts our language becomes dull.  So we must give ourselves permission to be exuberant, but not mindlessly so, rather mindfully so.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

You know when someone asks you do you like her?  My impulse is to answer I like some things about her and not others.  But, instead, I usually I say yes.  Why?  Because I don't want to get into listing character traits of the third party not present, and the set up is dualistic:  either I do or I don't.  When the reality is I feel kindly disposed at one moment and irritated the next.  It's complex.  But do I want to be that specific about another person without her present?  No.  And I don't want to be analyzing her either.  It's not my job to make assessments. I'm not hiring her for a job.   I don't need to sum up.  And I would really, really be upset if someone did that to me.

We don't even love all the behavior of our spouses or kids.  We often don't like our own behavior.  It's a rocky roller coaster ride, being a human being.  And we have varying levels of attachment to others.  Some friends are for seeing once a year.  Some for going to movies or an art museum.  A few are for deep revelations and constant contact.  And even with those few, we take a break  or feel estranged at times.  Might as well ask if I like myself.  Not this week.  This week I'm doing a lot of praying and examining my behavior.  Next week, I could be proud as punch over a wise decision or a loving interaction with another.  There is no dualism.  It's a flow, high and low, jumbled up and crystal clear, depending on the moment.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Should I say "bad dog" when my dog does something she's not supposed to?  She's old now, so it would be difficult to change words for either of the dogs.  I wish I had picked something like "toasted cheeseballs" in a deep voice with a frown to accompany it, but I wasn't that aware of my dog language eleven years ago.  I just used words from the puppy classes.  My female dog already knows she's done something she's not supposed to do, like eating poop, and she doesn't really give a rip, so we're not talking devastation or soul crushing here.  She is quite intelligent, she just is going to get away with whatever she can.  The male dog has an interesting moral compass.  He sneaks and does things (like eating my bookmark or mail, stealing socks or licking plates in the sink) only when no one is looking.  I can't catch him in the act, therefore it never happened.  So he seldom gets the "bad dog" hairy eyeball treatment, due to short term memory issues.

But are they being "bad"?  Not really.  There are being quintesential labradors.  I want them to overcome all their instincts and behave to please me.  But I'm not the alpha dog for the male, the female is.  And the female cares, but only up to a point.  She figures she'll snuggle up while I'm reading and all is forgiven.  Which is true.  She tolerates children for my sake and behaves well around them.  She knows that is non-negotiable.  They both behave at the vets.  But other things...well, they let things slide.

Okay, next time I'll try using their names in a dark, threatening way, without the labeling.  Let's see if I can break my habit.  It won't change the dogs' behavior, but I'll feel less guilty about the good/bad thing, which is false to my beliefs.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a phone conversation yesterday afternoon with a friend who is "difficult".  She has many admirable qualities, but can be quite negative and critical.  She attempts, consciously or unconsciously, to worm information out of me.  She wants to know if I've had a social event and not included her, and perhaps included someone she has a vendetta against.  She wanted to know about a mutual friend yesterday and also if I would admit to her I'd had a book launch to which she was not invited.  I played stupid.  I said a couple of positive things about the mutual friend and then suggested she call for more information.  She sternly said, "She'll have to call me."  I did not mention the event.  I switched subjects.  Now this person is in her mid eighties, is not going to change, and she may have many reasons for bitterness.  I am mostly able to navigate the choppy waters of conversation with her, and without gossiping and feeling terriible after.  She doesn't bully me as she does others, because then I stay incommunicato for a few months.  I can't be guilt tripped into doing something with her.  It has to be convenient for me as well.  But she bullies some of my friends, and her anger management problem is substantial.

It's challenging keeping contact with a long time friend like this, but it's also been a great learning experience.  I've learned to take care of myself, and also not to feel guilty that I don't share that much of my life with her.  She's not safe.  She would be stunned to hear me say it, but that's the way I feel.  All my guardrails are up and running around her.  But guardrails are a good protection; they keep you from falling down a cliff.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a nice Mother's Day.  It began with a dharma talk about taming the mind.  My teacher used the Zen ox metaphor, about looking for the ox, trying to tame the ox, sitting on the ox, finally playing the flute on the ox and in the end, the ox being gone.  Most of us have to live with the ox our whole lives, sometimes being bucked off, sometimes sitting on the back with trepidation.  But more and more I'm able to observe my mind having a calm moment.  Progress is evident.  Enlightenment still far away.

At the dinner where three of my kids and their spouses/partner were present, my younger son asked me what I liked best about being a parent, and several spoke up and chimed in "being a grandparent", but I said really the best thing was seeing them grow up, change, make life decisions, and find their path.  Grandchildren are amazing, but my fascination is mostly with my kids and their choices.  They surprise me, astound me at times, and make me proud.  Who they are is validation for all my efforts.  I love being a witness to their lives.  My life is pretty quiet and undramatic, but theirs are filled with events and pledges and romance and children and career movement.  It's exhausting, thinking that I once lived at that level of intensity.  But I did it, and now they are.  Fascinating!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night, as I got under the covers and turned out the light, I had this overwhelming gratitude for the bed, the sheets, my nightgown and my life.  It was the particular that led me to the gratitude for my life.  And then I had a rush of superstition, because I'm prone to such feelings, but I brushed the dread away and said to myself, "This moment is what it is, and feels perfect, no matter what comes after.  I've had a good life, four healthy children, healthy grandchildren.  I am fortunate". 

Now, I practice gratitude as an antidote to fear.  I write every evening in a gratitude journal, and when feelings of gratitude pop up for me I try to express them to the person I'm thinking about.  But this was different.  It was simple joy in being alive.  There was no reason.  It was the same ritual, the same sheets, the same nightgown, the same light, the same time of night.  Nothing unusual had occurred yesterday.  I often have a similar feeling in the morning, when I get out of bed.  I'm so happy to grab my robe, go downstairs, let the dogs out, feed them, pick up their poop, get the paper and contemplate what to have for breakfast.  Barbara's shredded oats or scrambled eggs?  A fruit yogurt shake or raisin toast?  I love my V8 and tea.  These rituals are comforting to me. 

I wonder if the lack of expectation is part of the joy?  When I'm going to sleep or waking up I'm facing ordinariness.  I don't have exciting dreams and though sometimes I think about an earthquake before I go to sleep (Where is my purse?  The flashlight?) or in the morning perhaps I'm going to meet a friend later or pick up my new glasses, mostly expectation is not part of the mix.  I seem freer when my mind is not jumping ahead, but right in the moment without anticipation.  I'm tired at night, so perhaps that quiets my mind, and in the morning I'm full of energy and possibility but generalized, without specifics.  Curiouser and curiouser, as Alice would say.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What is a blessing?  I sometimes write blessings for others, but when I think about it, what authority do I have to do so? I first wrote a blessing for a dear friend's 65th birthday.  I stood up at the tea and read it aloud.   I wrote a blessing for my older daughter's second wedding, and then for my younger daughter's recent wedding.  I write them from the heart, as I do when writing poetry.  I wish them well.  I acknowledge their unique qualities and honor them. 
But the authority thing is disturbing.  Do I have the right?  Do I know what I'm doing enough to undertake a blessing?  Is it appreciated? 
I know I'm always grateful for a blessing from a teacher.  I don't believe a friend has ever blessed me.  And I'm not a teacher.  If a blessing is wishing someone well, then it seems no authority is needed if the intention is generous.  And I have done these last two blessings to a younger generation, from the point of view of long and fruitful life.  Am I pretending to be an elder?
I know I've been careful crafting the blessings.  I write a draft and go over it many times over several months.  I watch what I say.  I aim for no harming, only good wishes. 
But it is strange, when I think about it, that I had the nerve to desire to do this.  Am I trying to hog the limelight?  Is ego in the way?  Something to think about.  Delusions of grandeur and all that. 
Yet truthfully, I wish I'd started this tradition earlier, with my older two kids' weddings.  With them, I sang a song at the rehearsal dinners.  Now I've added the blessing tradition.  It happened so subtly I hardly noticed myself.  And here I am, practically blessing the animals in the fields.  I know I'm goofy, but oh, dear.  This takes the cake!