Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was thinking last night in bed, what if I set myself the task of asking:  When I harm myself or others by my speech or actions, is it worth examining if it's intentional or accidental?  And what does the choice mean?  Have I said or done something out of an old, subconscious pattern, or did a part of me "know" this was, shall we say, not my best self?  The distinction is important, because if the speech was even partly deliberate, I can notice that, pause, think of the consequences, and not continue.  But patterns require a lot more work.  They may be hiding in plain sight, but they are so familiar and comfortable that they feel "good" even when they are not.  I retreat a lot when I've been hurt, and conscious or unconscious, I'm not doing the best thing by running away.  I lose the possibility of making things better by frank discussion, and I'm stuck in a rut.  Conflict is abhorrent to me.  I'm what a jokingly call myself:  a chicken livered coward.  I feel I had enough conflict in my early years that I'm filled to the brim already.  But I perpetuate self harm when I retreat all the time.  In my marriage I stick up for myself, because after 45 years I trust that I can say what I need to say without fear.  But others, not so much.  My Buddhist practice has helped with the intentional/partially intentional, because I mostly give myself that pause before I speak or act.  And more awareness has brought to light my patterns as well.  But they are relentless, and pop up no matter how much work I do to nip them in the bud.  I guess I'm just a work in progress.