I'm getting better at not standing on my head to return phone calls immediately. I wait, sometimes several days, until I feel a willingness instead of a begrudging irritability. And so far - news flash - nothing has been harmed by the wait. Where this compulsive impulse of mine to please everyone, even people I'm not close to and don't honestly care about, comes from is mysterious. I assume it's part of the new girl at a new school syndrome. Loneliness was a threat and I wanted, as all kids do, to belong. Underneath may be the residue of low self worth, lack of confidence, and a determination to HAVE FRIENDS. But this is a dress I outgrew long ago, and my friends are the kind that hang in there through thick and thin, so it's old patterning that gets in my way now.
And this is about boundary setting. I have a good friend who calls at dinnertime. My husband and I joke about it. And I either pick up when I'm cooking, or scramble to call right after we eat. Her voice often sounds upset. Yet when I call back it's not important. It only took me a few years to realize that she never cooks, her husband does, so she's free at a time I'm frantic with cauldrons bubbling in my kitchen. Oh. She's relaxing before dinner is served. It's a good time for her, and a terrible time for me. So now that I have realized this, I don't pick up the phone then, and don't rush afterward either. I watch a dumb movie with my husband and call back "late". No problemo. She's up, I'm up, and it has up until now been something that can wait. In fact, wouldn't she leave a message that it's urgent if it was? Yes. That's logical. And it only took several years for me to figure that out.
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