I had a dream last night about my father, who has been dead over thirty years. Our whole family was vacationing in a tropical place, and my father was across from me and my younger son. He smiled but didn't say anything. I woke up grateful for a "visit". Of course he didn't say anything: the dream was a representation of his love and support. Today I finally passed by driving test, and I wanted him with me in spirit. So my mind concocted the dream I needed to see me through. I wore my mother's bracelet and my mala beads as well, just to have all the strength I felt I needed for the test. I called up my parents and spiritual teachers to not do something for me, but for me to find the strength in myself to do this test yet again and not give up.
Why were words unnecessary? Because it's about the heart. I needed a lion heart today, to be fierce and focused. And love is beyond words anyway. Last night when I couldn't sleep. I kept saying: breathe in for strength, breathe out the self doubt. I was the little engine who's mantra was "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can", a book I bought my grandson for his birthday. I had to focus not on what the tester might think of me, but what I believe of myself. I needed to get beyond the embarrassment, intimacy and sense of being judged to my own state of mind. It was not easy. I am a people pleaser by nature. I had to be my own protector, as the Buddha has said. I watched my mind last night dredge up failures and ancient wounds and all kinds of reasons why I couldn't do this test. And then I had to let all that distraction go and free fall into my own arms. I need to do this more often, but not the driving test, no, not that!
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