Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went for a walk with my friend today and we were talking about the grandmother delima. She has a six month old granddaughter, and I have two grandsons completely unvaccinated, so not only do we not get to see each others grandchildren, but we must avoid each other if either of is possibly exposed to covid. I haven't seen her granddaughter in months, and she hasn't been able to be around me at times because either she or I might have a possible exposure, and we're awaiting the results of tests. Since my two grandsons had RSV for a couple of weeks, and I didn't want to risk giving it to her granddaughter, We had to be careful and wee now wear masks when we walk. Only two of my grandsons are unvaccinated, and one lives two states away, but that one little guy rearranges my interactions dramatically. My friend was looking forward to her childhood friend and husband visiting when they were down here to visit their daughter and granddaughter, but the granddaughter then the daughter got covid, so my friend couldn't see them. They flew back early. It's all so complicated. But we all choose our grandchildren over friends, though that leaves us without all the support we could have. I'm hoping for a vaccine for 2-5 year olds soon. And not just for my sake but for their paarents' sakes.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My Buddhist teacher talked about equanimity today. An excellent topic for me. I've been carrying so much anxiety in my body that it's affecting me, and about things over which I have no control. Last night my husband and I watched the last show of Season seven of the Brokenwood Mysteries, and it involved a Maori woman in witness protection with two small children. She was diagnosed with cancer and wanted to reveal to her family where she was and her condition so her children would have love and support when she died. She looked like my daughter, and after the episode was over, I cried. But it was comforting, because it reminded me that we promised and are fulfilling that promise to love and be involved with her daughter, and, ironically, our younger son had visited our granddaughter and son-in-law that very day. Our daughter asked all of us to commit to her daughter's support, and we all have. And that's all we can do. She has a challenging life ahead of her, and so far she's faring well. And I can see more and more that our granddaughter has so much of her mother in her that we have not entirely lost our daughter. She lives in her child. Anyway, my teacher was saying that humans, with their ego, believe they can control life, and of course that is a delusion. We need to let go of that kind of responsibility. I have a perfect record of not having saved anyone from dying because that is not a power any of us possesses. I want to peel off any vestages of judgment about myself or others, because we can possibily sometimes control our own behavior, but that's about all we can aim for. If I keep the nature of reality in my sights, my anxiety will lessen, and I can stay centered in my life without the chatter.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Some of my friends have made really brilliant suggestions about how to repair/decorate my bench. On Tuesday we're going to take it to canning shop to hopefully be repaired, and when it's back, I think I am going to decorate it with some Moroccan symbols, images that my daughter painted, and ones that represent her life. Such a great idea. Turn broken eggs into an omlette. Today I talked three hours on the phone with my childhood friend - a world record for me. We discussed racism, history in public schools, how we ended up living where we live, what the future holds, and travel. We always do little vicarious armchair traveling. She may be going to Amsterdam and her itinerary includes an every ten years tulip festival. I hope it's not canceled and she gets to go with her friend. I described going to a tulip festival in Washington State, which is a possible substitute if she cannot travel to Europe. It has been a beautiful day here, and i did take a short walk with my husband and also get groceries. My endless chatter on the phone left me cramped for time, but it was worth it. It's great to talk to someone who has been a companion throughout your life and knows you inside and out. And we always discover new things about each other. Today: we both loved latin in high school, our algrebra teacher was a disaster, we've ended up back where we lived growing up. She's my witness to my past, as my sibling, parents and close relatives are all gone. She gives me continuity.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We just took a walk and the sun is out and spring flowers are emerging, like the snowdrops under our apple tree. I wore a puffy vest and was soon too hot, though the temperature was supposed to be 64. It didn't help that I had a turkey burger for lunch. I felt like a whole turkey was in my stomach. My husband and I have already agreed that we're having salads for dinner. I've been calling to see if anyone can repair the bench our son gave us last summer. The maker said no, but now I'm seeing if the people who repair cane chairs can possibly fix it. Repairing and duplicating our backyard furniture is a drag. And it's Friday, so lots of luck. Our insurance adjuster was supposed to come out but has not shown up yet. I feel pretty unmotivated. Right now I can see our neighbor cat Toby is sitting on top of our back fence looking up at the trees, no doubt hoping a bird will fall down into his mouth. Neither that nor sitting under the bird feeder has worked for him so far. But he's a hopeful kind of guy. He thinks positively. I need some of that optimism to rub off on me. On our walk we saw a squirrel a couple of feet away in a tree who was so fat and smug he paid no attention to us. The critter world likes this springtime weather and is as cheerful as a Disney movie. Next, I expect Snow White or Sleeping Beauty to sachet down the path throwing petals to the skies and singing with the birds.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is another sunny day. Everyone is going to have to begin watering their plants, and drought again looms, but most things loom right now. I am deeply touched that Supreme Court Justice Breyer is retiring, and giving the court a chance to balance more equitably. I presume the right wing will create as much pain and suffering as possible during the process, if there even is a process. Merritt Garland never got his chance. But right now, with everything unknown, many of us like to envision a Black woman as the nominee as the President promised. Let us have our few moments of hope. Why is it so hard to have a jury of our peers? Class and priviledge play a role, as only those who can afford to take eight dollars a day for jury duty and have childcare or are not caretaking can manage this civic duty. The truth is, our judges are overwhelmingly white and male and upper class. They judge people to whom they have no affinity or understanding. I'm reading a terrific book, "Noise", by the Nobel prize winner in Economics, Paul Kahneman. He and two other economists have done extensive studies that prove there is no consistency or fairness in judges' sentences, and judgements of exactly the same crime can have widely varying sentences. Judges are not fair and impartial, but then I think we all knew that. The research gives us insight into how irrational and biased humans are, even when they feel confident they are. So the Supreme Court is just as emotional and biased as the rest of our citizens. Even factors like climate temperature, tone of voice and appearance play a much bigger role than judges think. Random AI does a better job of sentencing but not by much. Simply put, the courts do a terrible job of impartiality. This illuminates why debates in Congress and among our citizens become so heated and blaming. As my Buddhist teacher says, we are not so evolved as we wish we were. Human fraility and failure is evident everywhere. Let's hope for the best with his nominee process but I think we'll all be unsurprised if it does not turn out to be a pretty picture.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The tree people were here all yesterday, so I didn't come out to the studio to do my blog. Today I noticed our bridge is broken, and plants in pots and pretty much everything in the back upper yard. So after they get the last two piles of wood, we will have a lot of broken stuff to haul out of here. Our son-in-law will help with that, but we will need a junk hauler to take it away. So the things needing replacing are for the grandchildren to enjoy. I can designed the back for them. This is sad, but no tragedy. it's not important in the larger scheme of things I know. But with all of us, these ordinary little things become tipping points after two years of fear, anxiety and grief. Today I go to the eye doctor to check out what is wrong with my eyes. Is it the syndrome I have, or something new? I'm remaining calm, but it doesn't help my mood. I had two friend encounters yesterday. A walk in the morning with my friend who is undergoing cancer treatment, and we had fun looking at houses in my neigborhood, and in the afternoon I walked over to another friend's backyard and we had tea in the sunshine. Then we walked back to my area together, as she wanted to stop at the grocery seven houses from me to pick up a few things. I showed her the memorial to a florist whose shop is right by me. He died recently, and he was such a kind, funny person with amazing artistic skills. I had noticed both he and the owner, a woman from Germany, were frailer and I worried about him when I saw him going to or from his car. We always had thirty minute conversations when I went in the shop to buy flowers. He was warm hearted and curious, and had a laugh that told you you had delighted him. I will miss his presence in the neighborhood. No flowers are by the door, and I thought of Princess Diana and the mountains of flowers. This man was good, kind, well intentioned and will be missed, but he's one of the millions of good souls who pass by almost unnoticed. Not by me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The arborist came by today, and he's not sure if the tree can be saved. There are so many trees down from the storm that it may be quite a time before our yard is safe and usable. What is most disturbing is the bench our son bought for us may not be fixable. Neither is the birdbath or hammock. These are not big things, but they disturb us. It's a like a car accident. You are in shock and feel immobilized. In the meantime we walked to the bookstore to purchase two books for our friend, whose birthday is today. He had canceled his party and was planning a dinner tonight, but now his grandkids are sick, and a couple that would have attended flew home because their granddaughter was sick and they might expose him. So it's just his son, and he must be disappointed. Everyone is experiencing the cancelations. Our women's group has postponed our meeting until the omicron is more under control. We could have zoomed, but we're all pretty sick of that. At least my husband and I took a good walk on a sunny day, and accomplished some errands: fixed his eyeglasses, went to the bank, bought the books and then dropped them off. We got home and I picked up sticks in the back yard, moved a table in the living room, restacked art books, and washed and trimmed green beans for dinner. Later we will pick up the two grandsons at preschool and see them for the first time in over two weeks. I've just got this feeling our distasterous back yard will be of major interest to two bungly toddlers.