Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My women's group met today and we sat on the patio with coffee and pastries. We have no agenda, and what comes up is often interesting and passionate. I mentioned that one thing Buddhism has taught me is to turn towards the dark parts of myself instead of away. I'm braver now. I can face mistakes I've made, for instance, how I influenced my brother. He was two and three quarters years younger than me, and when we were little, I must have guided him in ways I shouldn't have. I know when we were in school I influenced him in what he read and believed. Our father was often traveling and our mother busy running the household, and when I had my "Doestoyevsky period", reading all his novels, my brother read them as well, but his disposition was darker, and I wish I hadn't shared them. I had no idea I had any influence on him at the time, but I see it clearly now, and it saddens me that I, as mixed up as I was, should have guided him unconsciously. What if I'd had more attention to give him. After I left for college he was a sophomore in high school, and I didn't see how lonely and depressed he was. I did tried to talk to my parents about getting him therapy, but they ignored me and the problem. I probably couldn't have changed anything, but he must have felt so abandoned. I'm not judging myself, I'm just seeing situations more clearly, hopefully without judgement. The clearer the picture becomes, the more I can learn, and as Suzuki Roshi said, "It's never too late".