Wandering ALong the Path: Right Speech

My friend has returned from Europe, where she supported her daughter as she gave birth to her granddaughter. She sent me a photo of the adorable baby, and now she is struggling to get back to her life here, when a big part of her feels tied to the baby far away. I had a similar experence when my daughter had her baby in North Africa, and it was so hard to leave after we visited. I was lucky, as my daughter and her husband moved to the west coast after their daughter was a year old, but I missed the first sitting up, crawling, walking, first words etc. At least my friend has another granddaughter nearby, but I did not. It was over seven years before my next grandchild was born. But we adjust. We look at photos and FaceTime. We pull ourselves back into our groups and volunteer work and classes and friends. We learn to make the most of our visits and become intuitive about the perfect toy or book to give to our grandchildren. Loss and gain, gain and loss. We juggle these opposites and try to feel balanced. We are saying goodbye before we say goodbye, and practice, not perfect, is painful but necessary. Their lives are moving beyond our lifespan and we need to ehjoy them while we let go.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I arose at six am today in solidarity with my daughter-in-law, as my grandson was done with sleep at that point. Fortunately, he slept through the night, though he hardly slept the night before, when she was away for work. He has hardly let her out of his sight or arms since she returned. It's sweet, but I can't really help, except by being nearby and awake when she is. Grandma is the old flavor of the month. We met our daughter and family at a nearby park, and we all had a nice time, on the playground, walking around the lake looking at ducks, geese, turtles and fish. There was a wedding taking place in the flower garden and it looked so lovely. After we headed home and had lunch, all the adults spent some time napping while the toddler did. I am reading a thriller called "Falling" by a former flight attendant, but even that couldn't keep me awake. Then my son and I had a discussion about scary movies, mostly about ones we knew we couldn't see, but also ones we regretted seeing. For me those include: Silence of the Lambs, The Shining, Clockwork Orange, and Misery. I wish I could get those entirely out of my head. Luckily, I avoided Psycho, the later Shymalan films, all the horror ones and ghost stories. I love Stephen King, and can read some of his books I cannot watch films of, like Carrie, but I'm careful. We agreed we would never see Get Out again and refuse to see Us. Know thy limits, I say.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We went to the zoo today with three of the grandsons. Two had not had enough sleep, but valiantly trod on until lunchtime, when our son and his two year old went back to our house for a nap, and we stayed on to help with the one year old while the four year old rode the train with his mother. Last time the one year old screamed in terror the whole train ride, so we strolled him around and distracted him. The big hit was the meerkats, followed by the baboons, warthogs (my fave) and giraffes, elephants and hyneas. The huge tortoises were admired as well. With preschoolers, you can't see that many animals, because they need snacks and breaks and potty trips. We were pleased with a new bird habitat, with great views of exotic birds. All the little grandsons are crazy for birds and will look at books about birds for long periods of time. I attempt to promote that interest by providing the books, toy birds and such. The four year old, however, has a fascination with snakes, and if you let him pick out a stuffie in a toy store, his choice is a snake every time. I hope there are no snake pets in his future.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm reading a book I picked up in a tiny independent bookstore, "The Unreality of Memory" by Elisa Gabbert. She is an essayist, who can be found in The New York Times magazine, The New York Review of Books and The Guardian. The essays are engaging, probably because she clearly has done mountains of research, but focuses through her own life and experiences, so you know she is biased and not entirely objective, and she makes this transparent, and therefore easier to trust her. One essay is about insomnia, another about iconic events likes 9/11, the sinking of the Titanic and the Challenger tragedy. She discusses media in the age of Trump and witches in Salem. Her curiousity gives us an opportunity to go back and look at events in our culture and see them with fresh eyes. I'm not intimidated by her encyclopediac knowledge, rather she seems like someone I'd walk with to get a cappuchino. I found this book by being able to brouse, masked, in a local bookstore. I've missed the discovery of books I never knew existed, and didn't know I'd enjoy. Yes, I ordered a ton of books during the pandemic. But I was limited by what my interests already were or book reviews, or recommendations. Now the bookstore can speak to me and the owners and buyers urge me to discover new ideas, writers, and worlds. So satisfying.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday I read a little book, the first time it has been published without the photographs that accompanied the original table top book with Richard Avedon. James Baldwin and Avedon were in high school together, and decades ago did the book together. Now Baldwin's text has been printed separately, and it is as fresh and pertinent today as it was back then. His take on American culture rings true now, and his fearless speaking of the truth is shocking today. All the books I've been reading by Blacks about race issues have enlightened me, but none is as true to the bone as "Nothing Personal". He clearly saw America not as it wanted to be seen, chock full of myths, but as it was and is. And he makes you FEEL what this culture is for black Americans. It's searing prose is like poetry and song, and his ability to synthesize various aspects of our life in this country is nothing short of miraculous. I know I will be picking it up again and again to reread. Right now my daughter-in-law asked to borrow it to read. This is a book everyone should read.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My younger son, grandson and I drove up to visit my older son, his wife and my five year old grandson. The two year old was enchanted with their cat, who graciously allowed the grandson to pat him. The younger grandson fell in love with the older one's toys, then carried a barn fence around and wouldn't give it back. The older one was having trouble sharing, but the struggle was resolved after some explanation about how the younger one was too young to understand much about sharing. That is a lesson that takes many years, and sometimes is never learned at all. We ordered pizza for lunch, and enjoyed their back yard, including eating raspberries, blueberries and strawberries from their bushes. I've gotten wooden raised gardens for each of my grandchildren, and the five year old has snapdragons, strawberries and petunias in his right now. The day was a perfect 75 degrees and we ate on their deck. I've always loved the town in which they live, and lived there myself fifty years ago and my older daughter was born there. I also taught junior college there for many years, commuting from here. So I am comfortable with the area and it's a little like coming home every time I'm up there.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I went to Nordstrom Rack just to drive the car and have a goal. I felt very disoriented when I entered, and the merchandise had been reorganized. At first I couldn't find the kids section, but it had been moved to the other side of the store. I didn't see racks of Eileen Fisher or Lucky Brand, which I enjoy perusing. The underwear was moved as well, but I found the brand I always buy there and picked up a bra and two pants. Then I looked for hair assessories, but had to settle for pink elastic bands. There were no normal ones. I grabbed shorts for the little grandsons and a straw hat that was $17 and quit. It felt like a Twilight Zone episode to be in a store, masked, with only one or two other customers. But I'm glad I took the plunge. The best item was two waterworks painting books for toddlers. My grandsons love them. I picked dinosaurs and undersea themed ones. Now I'm home recovering from the shock of being out on a completely non-essential outing. Driving and shopping for no reason. I'm proud of myself.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We went for a walk around a nearby reservoir, with our grandson in the stroller. It felt good to get some real exercise, and the temperature was perfect tee shirt weather. The reservoir is down, and algae and muck is visible along the edges, as well as some high points in the lake. Our son told us about fires up north this morning at breakfast. Just what we've all been worrying about, and he ordered another air filter for their house up north. He also told us about a hepa filter for our car we could have installed. This is deja vu all over again. We don't know if we'll actually be able to go up to the cabin later, or if our older son and his family will be able to drive north at the end of the month. We can fly our granddaughter both ways when she visits, but that's as long as the air here and fires don't ruin the visit. I would like to be hopeful, but no one here really is. We just take things one day at a time. Right now the air is fresh, the sky blue, and the temperature in the low seventies. Perfect.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We went to a local beach today and the three cousins loved it. The one year old trapsed out to the water until he shivered so much I brought him back to our spot on the sand and wrapped him in beach towels. The two year old fell in love with a large plastic shovel and either wanted to dig in the sand himself or get one of us to do it. He had no interest in the water. The four year old dug for crabs and found a dead one, then splashed happily in the surf. We all went back to our daughter's house for tacos and the visiting cousin was in ectasy over his two counsins' cornicophia of trucks and toys. He really loved a recycling truck. We all had a great time until the oldest needed his quiet time, the youngest got up from his nap and the visiting cousin was taken home for his nap. It soothes my heart to see the grandchildren playing with each other. The four year old was so sweet with the two year old. I was proud of him. He sent me home with a painted picture of a lobster. Very delicious looking.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I feel much better today, and not glum at all. I talked to my friend at the cabin next door, and she was encouraging and said it was beautiful up there, but she also understood about not wanting to have our two year old grandson have to adjust yet again to a different place, as he's recovering from quite a flu. We'll wait the weekend to make sure neither of us gets his virus, then decide about going up, but probably we'll stay down here because our son, daughter-in-law and grandson are visiting. There was an earthquake at the cabin, and my friend said it had a sound and really shook them, but there was no damage, as it was centered pretty far away. We felt nothing here. She says the lake is way down, because of the drought. It's hot up there, but mitigated by the trees and cooling off at night. I believe the shock of nothing going up triggered other traumas of the past year, and I AM easily thrown for a loop these days. Not my most steady, stable self. But I really enjoy my grandchildren and I'm having fun with the two year old. Tomorrow we see the next oldest two grandsons as well, and that will be lovely.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I am really struggling with my depression. It keeps me from getting out and doing things, and makes me fatigued. I believe that while covid was hamstringing us, I felt in the same boat as everyone else, but now that others are picking up their lives and traveling I cannot quite summon the energy to visit people or go somewhere new or even shop or call people. I need to have some plans besides the memorial service for our daughter in the fall. That she is dead and I'm alive just seems bizarre. I'm disoriented. And the pandemic made me feel that being older is being useless and expendible. I have no value in this culture. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow, and I did take a walk this afternoon by myself, even after we took our grandson for a stroll this morning. I mailed two cards to a friend who is in a care facility as well. But it feels like so many people I love have been ill or died that I can't cope. I can't even find out about my cousin in the midwest, and two aunts have recently died. It's all too much. The bright spot is my son, his wife and our grandson visiting for 3 weeks. The grandson is feeling better each day, and soon we will be able to get outside more and engage in the world. We hope by Sunday to feel he is no longer contagious and we haven't picked the virus up ourselves.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our grandson is feeling better so we went to a nearby park and walked in a grove, and as we walked it seemed to rain on us. First I thought it was the dampness of the trees and the fog, but I realized we were in a tiny microclimate where it was light rain or heavy fog or something, but as we walked out of the grove, it was not wet at all. We are so parched here for rain, and yet in the foothills the weather is radically different. I felt grateful the trees were not suffering there. If we were up at the cabin it would be hot and dry, and down here it is chilly in the morning, sunny in the afternoon, and a light jacket needed when I'm outside. Strange. As we ate breakfast this morning we saw lots of birds around our birdfeeder: stellar jay, scrub jay, juncos, sparrows and others. The squirrels pick up all the seeds dropped on the ground. It's companionable to have them eating nearby and it entertains our grandson, who loves birds. Actually, they all do. The one year old grandson says "caw, caw, caw" when he sees any bird. The older two love birds and can identify quite a few. They have those toy stuffy birds that sing their song when you press them. The two year old staying with us now loves my kookaburra with it's funny laughing song. Kookaburras are my personal favorite, and I adore all kingfishers. They are difficult to spot in the wild, but fascinating. I have seen wild kookaburras in Australia, a memorable sight for me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yep. Still here. Our grandson is miserable and probably has rotavirus, which toddlers get and hopefully he will feel better by Friday, but we realize taking him up to the cabin is unwise. His covid test was negative, thank goodness, but he still has fever, cough, diarrhea and can't sleep well at all. The cabin is super dry and hotter, and if he can't get comfortable here then there is no point. So now we're aiming for next week, if he gets way better, and in the meantime, strolling him around the neighborhood and just laying low. It's another lesson in "everything changes" and "man plans and god laughs". Right now we couldn't go up without them because we'd have to be isolated from our friends until we're sure we don't have whatever virus our grandson has, especially because my friend's daughter is due in August and it would be horrible if she caught something from us. I'm kind of comfortable in isolation mode by now anyway. I can at least go to the bookstore with a mask on or some local walking and activities. I'm reading the memoir of one of the Central Park Five, Yusef Assam, and it's inspiring and wise. He earned his wisdom the hard way. And I have other books by my bedside. Sing a chorus of "Summer in the City".

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The best laid plans, and all that. Our younger son, his wife and their two year old arrived yesterday, and we were supposed to drive to the cabin today, but our grandson has a fever and is not eating or sleeping well, so we decided to wait another day, but it's looking iffy. My husband and I have a long standing tradition of being up at our cabin when our friends rent the cabin next door, but we want to see our son and his family, so we're torn, and it's looking like we won't go to the cabin these next weeks, until we go up at the end of the month with our daughter and her family. Because the little grandson is probably contagious, we have to worry about getting whatever he's got ourselves, and maybe he won't be able to see his cousins or others. Our neigborhood has a baby fourth of July parade and we took his to see it distanced from all other people locked in a stroller. I feel depressed, but plans being ruined is pretty universal so I'm trying not to be too upset, since I easily choose my son and his family versus my friends, but I was SO looking forward to the mountains. Well, one day at a time. I'll see what unfolds, whether I want to or not.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm awash in groceries for going to the cabin this weekend. We had to get rid of everything in the refrigerator up there because a tree limb knocked down the power lines for who knows how long. So staples like ketchup and mustard need replacing. And then there are always the surprises, like no dish soap and being out of olive oil. We could go to the store this year, unlike last summer, in a pinch. But it's more of a store for campers and drinkers, if you get my drift. We are all looking forward to the mountain air, and the cool lake and just sitting on the deck staring at the trees. Our friends will be up at the cabin next door, and it's a long tradition with us now, maybe 30 years. Our kids have grown up, married and have kids. They want their kids to experience the lake and the quiet and spectacle of the stars at night. Then there is the occasional excitement of seeing a bobcat, coyote, or raccoon. We've seen a bear only once, and deer only on the ski area road. But the birds are amazing, from six kinds of hummingbirds, mountain bluebirds, juncos, ravens, several kinds of woodpeckers, tanagers, and scrub jays. There are tree frogs dropping from above, and gray squirrels and lizards and snakes. It's a hive of quiet activity. I can't wait to get up there!