Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday we had a leisurely birthday feast for a friend, distanced and masked, except while we were eating. I had picked up a fabulous meal from our local best Mexican restaurant: beef brisket, chicken tamales with mole sauace, rice, beans, tortillas, fresh tortilla chips and red and green dips,and a salad with beets, avocados, carrots and the best dressing, yogurt based. For dessert there was a rice pudding, not sweet at all, with pistachios, raisins and orange peel. Needless to say, my husband and I had no dinner last night, we were still so full from our leisurely lunch. The weather cooperated and there were sunny skies most of the time, though we wore our coats. Doing something a little bit different is such a treat now! These friends are such treasures. And it's moments like this that pull us through the uncertainty and difficulties of the pandemic. I hope by summer more times like this can occur. I'm praying for it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I watched "The Best Years of Our Lives" last night, after I protested it was going to make me weep. Which it did. It's a beautiful film made right at the end of World War II, and stars one of my favorite actresses, who never received an Oscar, which shows how underappreciated she was, Myrna Loy. Two actors were awarded Oscars: Frederick March and Samuel Russell. All the acting is dazzling, but most importantly, everyone is a complicated human being, and traumatized. There are good endings to the three main characters' stories, but not fairy tale ones. They will all continue to lead hard lives, but they are all loved, which is what living boils down to in the end. When I see this movie I think of my parents: married during the war, having me on an army air force station, starting their post war lives with hope and heartache. My mother's fiance died in an airplane, and her father died when I was a baby. My father lost his hearing in one ear due to an explosion. He never flew again after the war. He went back to the factory where he'd been working cutting bolts of cloth, then got a job in Kansas City. They never talked about the war, or my mother's fiance or even her dad. My parents were lucky in that all their siblings survived the war, some because they were too young. But there must have been wounds. We never heard about them.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We followed our daughter and her two boys to a nearby park, about a fifteen minute drive. Everything was wet and green, with a lot of fallen branches from the storm. The boys played in the playground, then we ate on an isolated picnic table, later walking into the forest, which was dark and streaked with flash flood marks. There we discovered a grove of tall pines and redwoods, and a sign that told us at one time in the mid eighteen hundreds, the redwoods here (now cut down) had been the beacon ships used to navigate where they were coming into port in the bay. After these giants had been cut down, sprouts grew up and now are pretty tall themselves. Further down we found a plaque that honors Japanese troups of the 442 division who fought valiantly in World War II even though many had been interred in the camps. So two surprise bits of history in this modest park off a highway in the hills. Our four year old grandson asked us to read each plaque, and I don't know what he made of these bits of history, but he listened intently. His big disappointment was no banana slugs, which we'd all hoped would appear because of the rain. Then he got scared when he went to fetch the stroller with his grandpa, somehow ran off thinking he saw his mom, me and his brother, and I ran back toward the woods and called his name. He appeared quickly, but he needed a big hug and reassurance. I flashed back on all the times my kids had disappeared, luckily to be quickly found again, once in Target, and once in Madison campground in Yellowstone. My blood pressure is still heightened a bit now.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We've already had a downpour today, and perhaps there is more on the way. I'm in my rainboots, and am prepared for the atmospheric river that is supposedly coming, but, cynic that I am, I'm not holding my breath. No, I don't want mudslides and disasters, but just plain old rain would be nice. There is cat who visits us every day, soft gray and white, and very talky, as some cats are. He/she was sheltering under our palm tree as I went out to get the paper, and I talked to her a minute. She seems to want something, but she has a collar and is well fed, so I don't want to lure her over to us, but she finds our yard attractive for some reason. And if she catches a mouse or rat, well that would be very nice. I miss not having a pet, and am working up to another dog. In the meantime, I talk to the two crows who live in our Incense cedar in the front yard, and often greet me if I'm outside. Up at our cabin I love the ravens, who are huge and make gargling sounds and also any animal sound they choose to imitate. They sit in the Ponderosa and Sugar pines and laugh and clearly ridicule us as we walk by, but I'm in on the joke. We are RIDICULOUS. Us people out in nature, but not really. With our water bottles and hiking boots and sunscreen and sunglasses. I agree. We are silly. I'm willing to share a chuckle at our expense.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We got some REAL rain last night, and this morning, as we walked with our daughter and eleven month old grandson, we noticed many branches down and one car smashed from the wind. We live in an area with huge trees, and many old ones, so it's not surprising. There may even be lightening tomorrow. I was awakened this morning by a call from a cousin in the midwest who was informing me of the decline of one of my aunts. My mother was one of 13 children, and now many of those are dead or dying. One of my favorite aunts was the mother of this cousin who called, and she described again her mother's decline after her son died of cancer. My cousin didn't realize how telling me that her mother gave up living after his death was not the most tactful, but I am really only an abstract being to her, after not being in the same room for over thirty years. I listened, because that is what she really wanted, to her life and heart problems and back problems and expressed sympathy. She first reached out to me when my brother died six years ago, but though I appreciated the thought, the conversation was all about her and her husband's health issues. She appears to be a little bit short on the empathy spectrum. Anyway, I heard some news, which I will not act on in any way. The laws of aging are in effect everywhere, not just in my family. We bear up as best we can, and pray for those suffering. Our turn will come, but for now, I'm appreciating my health, family, and friends.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My friend and I cleverly walked this morning, before the rain began, and though, because she was a doctor, I am used to phone calls interrupting us, now that she is retired, I realized today she is in the habit of picking up because a woman might be in labor, or a nurse at the hospital needs to reach her. We used to go to movies and I never knew if she'd have to leave and we'd never see the end. We once had a subscription for a theater company, but about only one out five times did she make it to the end of the play. Luckily, with that situation, she always took her own car, so my husband and I didn't have to leave. I can only wonder what it would feel like to be that interrupted that often. It would rattle me. I guess when my kids were still at home I jumped to answer the phone if one of them was out. But this was mostly before cell phones, and so the calls were not that relentless. I probably should ask her to please not pick up. I usually don't even bring my phone for our walks, and I am courteous when in the company of others. When I taught, I had students contact me through email, so I had control over when I was interrupted. My friend is quick to respond and act in all cases. It's a life and career skill she's mastered, but I believe the toll it has taken on her may be great. I've spent the last forty years meditating, doing retreats, and generally being out of contact, so we couldn't be more at odds that way. I have a new sympathy for the stress a doctor experiences, even if she's a retired one.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's cold here today, but I went for a walk with my daughter and her eleven month old. We admired yards - everyone's doing succulents after all the drought issues we have, and chatted away while my grandson in his stroller chimed in to keep us company. He's almost walking and actually took several steps when we were back on the deck in the sun. When I returned home, I decided to make lentil soup, and threw in carrots, onions, garlic, yukon gold potatoes, celery and two sliced beef hot dogs. Hearty fare for a winter day. Then, in a moment of grace, I discovered cornbread in the freezer and set it out to thaw. Cornbread, hot with butter, is there anything more divine? So dinner is all set and it's two pm. I'm so brilliant I can hardly stand myself. The wind is kicking up, so the cold is going to get worse, but I'm culinarily prepared!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was listening to my Buddhist teacher's dharma talk about honoring all things. He is part of a group building a stupa in the Big Sur area, and first these teachers wished to thank and honor the indigenous people whose land it previously was. He described how grateful they were for the stewardship and custodial care Ntive Americans bestowed on this beautiful place. And he feels it is necessary to know the history of a place, so that our darker past is not hidden and therefore unknown. He talked of reconciliation and healing, and I'm hopeful that right now our country is beginning this process. Maybe not all feel this need, but I certainly do, and I understand that South Africa's process, as well as Germany's, unified and cleansed the people. While we deny, we cannot flourish. We don't need to feel shame and guilt, but we need to not keep secrets. Issues talked about openly can resolve or at least ease the trauma. He spoke of the Inauguration, and our dark history that needs a light shone on it. Truth makes us settle with ourselves in a deep way, and we have more energy to do brave and selfless acts. I'm really praying this happens for us all.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We watched two 1960s movies with Margaret Rutherford playing Agatha Christie's Miss Marple last night. She's utterly spellbinding in the role, and such a physical comedianne that you are charmed. She was in her seventies when she filmed these four movies, and let's just say, there had been no cosmetic work done. She does such funny things with her super mobile face, and it couldn't have happened if she'd been even botoxed. What have we lost in film? One of the funniest things in each film is someone asks to marry her at the end, a different man each time. And it's utterly plausible, because she is so logical, inventive, intuitive and perceptive, and these older men find it refreshing. She talks back to them, takes no guff, and they adore it. I highly recommend these films, as we are unlikely to see an actress of her age in this era who doesn't look like a carved up tiki doll. Rutherford's real life husband plays Marple's friend and a librarian and they are such a good team! He's dithery, as you would expect a woman to be in most movies, and she's the brains of the outfit. Delightful!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I received our first vaccine shots this morning, and I feel gratitude to scientists, health care workers, everyone who had a hand in developing these vaccines. But with all the chaos and misinformation, I'm grateful to my friends, who shared what they'd learned, and kept encouraging me to to try different things until I got appointments for us. I, in turn, have been trying to reach out to my friends, to share the information and the process I went through to get to this day. Pay it forward, it is called. Soon the process will be transparent, smoother, and easier. But right now there is the problem of vaccine supply and organization and protocols to develop, since nothing was really done in the previous administration. I'm confident President Biden will have this working soon. I, for one, won't rest until my kids and grandkids are able to be vaccinated. I'm hoping by summer everyone who wants the shots will get them, and the next vaccine on the horizon is a one shot deal, which should really help persuade people. But today, I'm so relieved for myself and my husband, and it began raining when we got out of the car to get in line, and everyone was happy about that as well, as we need it so badly. I was touched that people in line would check with the person behind them and ask when was their appointment, and if it was five minutes earlier than theirs, wave them forward so that we were in timed order. The behavior was sensitive and kind. Strangers were looking out for each other. Nice.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I believe my Zen teacher, now deceased, would have approved of Joe Biden's speech yesterday. It was Right Speech because: it came from the heart not the head, he described our national issues without providing simple, magical solutions. He spoke of what Right Effort is: that the indention be deliberate and not impulsive, that blame and analyizing the past is unproductive, and we must move forward step by step. He was an example of equanimity, neither grasping or pushing away from truth with aversion. Yes I think she'd be pleased. No grandiosity was displayed, no despair, just q willingness to do the best you can do in difficult circumstances for the right reasons and not for self gain or self interest but seeing us all as one interconnected organism that good, kind actions will benefit. It is love. And I was thrilled by all the mentions of this compassionate kind of love as an aspiration. Biden's fearlessness in calling on love, the way Marianne Williamson did in the summer as a candidate, where she was ridiculed for it, is deeply encouraging. He's not afraid to talk about feelings, and not just as his own but as all of humanity's core of being.

Wandering ALong the Path: Right Speech

As my family texted back and forth from their homes, we watched the Inauguration this morning, getting up early so as not to miss a moment. Our four year old grandson decided President Biden needed more pets. Two dogs and a cat were not enough for him, so he began gathering turtles, snakes and other stuffies to make the White House cosier. I said, "What about donkeys?", but no one responded. I cried through the entire ceremony, probably more in relief than anything, but I was also thinking about my half South Asian daughter, who did not live to see this day. But her twelve year old daughter texted: Hallelujah! To celebrate, I ate hot dogs and barbeque chips and a pickle for lunch. I know America is still in grave difficulty, but I feel lighter and joyous today. My childhood friend is getting her vaccine shot today, and this day is also her birthday. Everyone I know and love is thrilled, just for this one day, and hopeful for tomorrow.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had strong winds last night continuing today, with low humidity. Conditions for fire. Our potted Norfolk Pine blew over, and branches are strewn everywhere. But I just now realized this wind makes a great metaphor for the incoming Biden administration. And I am awed by the fact that today they will have a memorial service for the pandemic dead and their families, to honor this huge suffering our country and the world is experiencing. The secret is now out: a great catastrophe is occuring, and it can no longer be ignored. Starting out Biden's administration with truth telling is the best gift he could have given us. I'm hopeful about his guidance and planning to get Americans vaccinated and back on the road to normality. I read somewhere that Biden is the man for the moment, and I agree. He was not the candidate I was rooting for, but he is the right person for right now. We sorely need a moral compass, and he clearly knows what is important to us. There is grief, and then there can be healing. We come together in sorrow and fear and need. Posturing and rage will not deny the truth. Good for Biden.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We met our daughter and her two boys at a park we hadn't been to yet, which is amazing, as we have searched high and low for new places to go. It was a beautiful day, sunny and 79 degrees. We srolled the baby, watched the geese in a huge pond, walked along the bay shoreline, sat on a grassy hill, and ate lunch outside on a picnic bench far from others. Though there were mamy people out (I joked to my husband that the news of the variant had brought the whole world out to encounter it), people wore masks, were careful about distancing, and we felt safe. We could see three bridges, the city skyline ( which might as well be in another country for all we ever get near it) and came back home tired in a good way. I once marched in said city with MLK and Coretta Scott King. I was living and working in Fiji when he was killed, and my employers (Marist Brothers of New Zealand) were apalled at the violence of my country. I replied that we'd always been violent, and I'd always abhorred it. He was so young! His children had to grow up without him, and Coretta came into her own after his death and distinguished herself. His voice in instantly recognizable, and the poetry of it still sings. I'm so glad we do the right thing in honoring his birthday.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I just finished with the woman's group Zoom meeting for this month. We talked about appointments for the vaccine, what else? initially, and then more about how difficult the process can be. I suggested that we all contact any friends we know who might not have snagged an appointment, and give them phone numbers, details and other information. I told them I needed help. I was discouraged and it's my friend who caused me to perservere. We need to help each other. We set up our meeting for February, but others were saying by March we might be able to meet in the old way: with masks, six feet apart, outside. That would be progress instead of backtracking. That we have two doctors in the group is very informative, and one used to be my kids' pediatrician and the other my OBGYN. This networking support is so crucial. At least for me. I've noticed I'm more stressed not less, probably because the crisis has gone on so long and I, like everyone else, am so weary. This afternoon I'm going for another walk on another sunny day, trying to eat better, and feeling relieved after my best friend called yesterday and we talked last night. I pray everyone has people like I do to help us keep our perspective. Otherwise, it's freefall, and we have seen the results of that impulse in the news.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a bad night's sleep last night. That is pretty rare for me, but maybe that one Bud Light ruined me, or seeing "Friendly Persuasion" which irritated me, or just the chaos around getting the vaccine, armed troops at state capitals, or my upbeat mood yesterday. I crashed. Today I plan to walk two times, and I began the day with Barbara's Shredded Oat Crunch then cutting my husband's hair. I'm taking a walk with him this morning, then one this afternoon with a friend. I'm trying to exercise this despondency away. It's beautiful here and warmer than usual. No, I'm not going to mention the D word. I'm going to enjoy the blossoming plants, including bulb plants and azaleaas and camillias. I'm going to breathe deeply through my mask and NOT fog up my glasses. I will avoid arguing over berries with my husband, as we did two days ago. Silence is more golden than bickering. I will have an eye out for birds, and greet every crow I meet. Watch out world, here I come!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, we've signed up for the vaccine, and will now have to wait for someone to inform us of where and when we can get it, and it may take a while. Our younger son called today, and our daughter also asked, but we don't have a provider that is giving vaccines, and our doctor is unable to do it as well. I'm trying to put it out of my mind until I receive some more guidance. Our state is pretty much in chaos, so calm and patience is absolutely necessary. We had a delightful morning following our daughter's car to a brand new park which her two little boys loved. We wore masks and distanced and everyone else there was equally careful. The children under three don't wear masks, but their parents seem to keep them in line. There was a wonderful, very wide slide that our four year old grandson loved, and a kind of tire swing, and the regular swings. Then we took a walk down the path with him on his scoot bike, the baby in the back pack, and it was sunny and warm and just cheered us right up. We even had lunch at a picnic table with nobody around. We'd all brought sandwiches. Then I returned home to find emails from my doctor friend who's trying to gather vaccine information and a nice long letter from my friend in Australia, hoping we were okay. Which we are. We really are. We are blessed. And today I could actually feel it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We went to our new lawyer to sign our wills this morning. My husband was nervous. I'd had to admonish him for stalling about it. The lawyer said she had noticed that it was almost always the men who were resistant and upset about wills, and the women just wanted to get it over and be done with it. I also had suggested we send copies to each of our kids, and my husband had said he didn't want to, but while we were in the office he changed his mind, and she reassured him it would be sent as a pdf file, which could easily be sent on to the kids. I feel part of my husband's uncomfortableness is fear of death, since he said in the car men usually die before their wives. I countered that in his family such was not the case, and he probably had 25 more years. But the part I observe but don't mention is men's belief that they should be in charge during financial discussions. They want to be "manly". But I have the better head for finance, and am rational and clear sighted. My husband is impulsive and prone to decisions he regrets, so really, I'm the confident one, which I owe to my father, whom I resemble. I'm careful with money, don't panic during downturns and play the long game. I can't really reassure my husband, because it's this "being a man" myth that gets in his way. It's hard on men to try to live up to what is a patriarchal assumption that hurts everyone. I've tried to liberate him, but it ain't easy, as they say.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's a beautiful sunny day, but around here we want rain. Our state has a pall of plague and death about it, as our covid cases and deaths are rampaging, we all fear the drought and fires, and then there is the threat of an earthquake. I love this state, and its miriad climates and terrains. I love the deserts, the Pacific ocean, the redwood forests, the Sierras, the foothills, the farms and orchards, the cities, well most of the cities. Nobody really loves Bakersfield. But we're worn out with crises and worry. How to counter this dread? Well, one of my friends and I went to the post office this morning so she could mail some sweaters with holes to her son in the southern part of the state because he knows someone who can mend them. I bought Valentine's cards in said post office, which was close to thrilling, and then we walked to our bookstore, I picked up two books I'd ordered, and also saw a puzzle in the window that I got for my husband, who is desperately seeking puzzles. Then we trudged uphill and had lattes outside. The coffee place had everything arranged safely, and we were never near anyone else though we were outside the entire time. Then we went to my house and I asked my husband to loan my friend two puzzles, and she left with new purpose. Perhaps, before covid, this would not have been an exciting morning, but it sure is now. It's the little things, you know.......

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went for a stroll with my daughter and her eleven month old. He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. He also has quite a set of choppers, and we call him the crocodile. He bites his older brother, but it seems to be about teething, not intent to harm. Just as his brother taps him on the head, despite warnings from his parents, about not touching his head. These interactions remind me of my brother and I. We were 2 3/4 years apart, and I know I must have accidently on purpose assaulted him. There is an ancient photo of me in a white pinafore dress standing next to my brother in his high chair, and the look in my eyes says I'm just itching to push the chair over. We fought then got along, then fought again. We drew an imaginary line in the backseat of the car and screamed if either of our hands was a pinkie across it. But we learned to compromise. I played army men and he played dolls. He was desperate to tag along with my friends and I, until he was well into elementary school. I walled myself up with girlfriends and sleepovers and reading constantly. But we both knew we were in "this" together. We united to criticize our parents. On vacations, where we both loved the swimming pools in motels where we stopped we were compatible dolphins. I adored him and he me, but we would have never admitted such a thing. We led very different lives because of our gender and our parents' pressures, but we agreed on harsh critical assessment of our parents. We moved enough that it felt like just the two of us against the world sometimes. I miss him.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

How can two weeks go by so slooooowly?! Still 10 days until the inauguration, and every day is like weeks. I'm worrying about what tricks Trump is up to, and how hamstrung Biden will be when all I want him to do is get the vaccine rollout going and for us to have some non crisis days in which everyone doesn't feel the urge to write their congresspeople. Is that too much to ask? I'm hoping the Twitter-Facebook shutdown will mute Trump's voice. I just don't want to hear it vicariously any more. I did my best to avoid seeing him or reading anything about him, but somehow through osmosis, I could not avoid his diatribes. I want Congress to quietly and competently do its business, not posture and rant and be indignant and selfrightous. I am an admirer of Nancy Pelosi, and she seems to be getting what needs to be done accomplished: calling for removal or impeachment, removing the nuclear codes from Trump's unstable grasp, being short on words and long on actions. If anyone can whip Congress into shape, it's her. And I appreciate her not waiting for Biden to become official, but is doing this right now in real time. And she's older than I am and has the energy of my grandchildren. She reminds me that we ain't done yet, no matter what our age.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a long talk with a friend yesterday in the middle of the day. These talks with friends are pretty much what keep me going. And because we had the time to do it, she described her relationship with her brother and sister-in-law. This was all new information to me, as we haven't had, in the past, the luxury to do much more than talk about events and travels and kids. I learned many things, and it rearranged in my mind her life, which I thought I knew so well. I really LISTENED, and without looking at my watch, just listened as if I had all the time in the world, which I do. It's wonderful to discover that the "story" you know about someone you love is different and more complex than you imagined. These talks bring me closer to her. And my friend who lives nearby has described as we walk, masked and distanced, personal feelings and thoughts that without the pandemic, we probably wouldn't have shared. It's truly a different way of connecting. I seldom speak to my cousin in the midwest, but recently, I've talked to her several times, and discovered that it's as if we'd been in close touch all along, when actually, we were lucky to talk once a year. I get an opportunity to witness her strength, and kindness and courage. It makes me believe I can aspire to be like her. She's also twelve years older, so I get to see growing older is still a gift. I'm taking a moment now to really notice this post-pandemic dynamic, and receive the blessing of hearts growing closer and bigger.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We are redoing our wills, partially because our lawyer retired, and also because in this covid threatening world, and given our ages, we want to have everything as easy as possible for our kids if they have to take over. I first had a will in my twenties, because I had a spouse threatening my life. And I've kept updating, tweaking details, ever since. My husband knows my feelings and respects them, though he is more squeamish about what a will implies, namely mortality. I, however, had my favorite uncle die when I was a toddler, my grandmother and boyfriend die when I was twelve, my two grandparents die when I was in my twenties, my best friend die when I was 29, and on and on. I've always felt mortal. My mother was from hellfire Baptists who had the body in the living room for a week, children had to see the deceased and kiss them, there were services and viewings and potlucks and the visiting of graveyards. When I last visited my cousin who is 12 years older than I, we stopped at three cemetaries to see my aunt's headstone, her husband's, my grandmother's, and various other relatives. My husband tactfully went along for the ride. There was nothing secret about death in my mother's family, and it has enabled me to comfort where others are nervous, support where people are stunned. I am passionate about living, but so were all of those who have been taken. Acknowledging them is important to me, and to accept my own vulnerability. I will join them. That's a fact.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We drove to a nearby reservoir this morning and walked with our daughter and her two bungle butts. It was drizzling, but we saw many pelicans, a blue heron, a white large egret, juncos, and other birds like coots. We took the kids on the fishing pier, where we were close up and personal with the birds, including the blue heron driving away the egret. It was good to get a few miles away from home. When we returned another outdoor bell, a big red one, I'd ordered arrived. I hung it up out back, and love it, as well as the green bells dangling on the apple tree. Wednesday was a horror, except for Georgia, but I see most of these protesters as deluded by false information and a poor education. Everyone has rage they can stoke if they try, but adults don't see anyone else as a savior. Adults need to do the hard work of looking for multiple sources of information and weighing them against facts. They cannot follow anyone. They have to take responsibility for themselves. I know, it can feel lonely and difficult, but we all need to occasionally look inside ourselves, see our patterns, our wounds and make sure we are not reacting but responding in a measured way, so we don't harm ourselves or others. Actions have consequences, they should not be impulsive. A mob has no dignity and no accountability, and that is the stance of children, not adults. Adult life is complicated and consists of large gray areas with very little black or white. To not see the gray is childish; a retreat from adult responsibility.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was on the phone with my cousin in the midwest when my husband opened the door and said something had happened. I waved him off, because my cousin's daughter had just lost her husband suddenly, and I wanted to support her. I assumed my husband wanted me to see the election results in Georgia, and though I am proud I wrote hundreds of postcards, I don't actually think I can take any credit. It all goes to Stacey Abrams, as I said yesterday. After I was finished with my call, and was feeling full of love for my cousin, I went upstairs and there was the mob. Like high school vandals they were trashing offices and taking selfies. I spent the rest of yesterday stunned and all the bouyancy of Georgia was burst like a balloon. Now I just hope these next 14 days can be gotten through without further horrors. Time has never gone so slowly. Trump is a traitor and criminal, and should be removed right now from office. However, I have no faith in that happening, despite Vice President Pence's adult, responsible behavior yesterday. I dare not relax until the Inaugaration. Americans deserve a break from this lunacy, as we are dealing with so much grief and fear and insecurity. And yes, like everyone else, I noticed that these white frat boys were treated so much better than the Black Lives Matter protestors, who were protesting unwarranted deaths. Citizens dying. We need to do some work, America. We need reparations and then healing, and to kick out those in Congress who are playing power games at our expense. I hope we have the energy for this, because pretending all is well is ridiculous.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My daughter texted me this morning early saying all the postcards we wrote to Georgia voters seem to have done some good! I'd like to think so. I just kept saying to myself, if ONE voter goes to the polls it's worth it, as I mailed each batch of cards. She and her husband, a devoted Bernie supporter, really need to feel encouraged about their country. We ALL do. That Stacey Abrams is some hero! At this point in time, I get nervous that possible good news will be a delusion. Yes, we have vaccines, but evidently no managable way to actually get the shots into human arms. Yes, Biden won, but the Congress is busy blocking the inevitable instead of doing it's job. Same with the weather here. The phone weather app says rain, then the icon disappears. We were supposed to have rain today, but that prediction has been wiped from the board, as well as any for the next ten days. I guess technology has given us too much information too quickly, so we can ride a roller coaster of yes-no-maybe. Perhaps ignorance really IS bliss.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm writing a little daily about my older daughter. I realize I am really only writing my story, because hers is ultimately unknowable to me. I can tell I'm partially writing out of guilt, as if something I might have done could have altered her trajectory towards breast cancer. I just finished the book she gave me about time travel, and several characters in it attempt to alter history. One wants to prevent John Lennon from being shot. Another wants to warn his girlfriend so she will not be attacked at a rock concert. I understand how futile this thinking is, but it seems to be part of my grief journey. When I'm writing, I know I am not inside her head, not one little bit. She's a mystery. I believe every thought I might imagine plus many more were stirring around. But I do have a felt sense of her anger and judgement and love and desire. She was so fully human and alive and passionate. I know I had a hand in her love of nature, art, literature and teaching. I took her to work on Take Your Daughter to Work day. I forced her and her friend to help me at the women's shelter. We trudged as a family to protest nuclear power plants, war, politics and women's issues. I laid a foundation for part of her life's passions. But this piece I'm writing is really about what I don't know, and never will. it's about love and loss.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We put away the Christmas decorations today, and I lugged all the toys in the living room upstairs to the guest bedroom. It is satisfying to tackle these kinds of tasks, and I also took a two mile walk with my friend in the rain. Umbrella rain. We stopped at a coffee place we like and had capucchinos. I didn't care that my hair was wet, since it's not been trimmed in a year and I look like a witch, the rain tamed it a bit. I didn't care that my glasses were wet. I felt like a kid with boots and the urge to splash in puddles and so did my friend. And when I returned, my granddaughter called and we talked for a while about Wonder Woman and other important subjects, then she had to go for a group zoom school thing. She seldom calls, so I was very pleased. She and her dad joked about the outgoing President, and that is always entertaining. Her dad is terrific with her, and he's planting a rose bush this week and thinking about pruning some of their plants. Where they live all plants grow in happy profusion, with all the rain they receive. It was comforting to my heart to speak with them. And yesterday I received a lovely text from my foster granddaughter, who said she missed me and when I said I loved her she replied "love you more". I'm a very lucky lady.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today was the last day of our pod with our younger daughter, son-in-law and tw grandsons. We had a long walk along the bay waterfront, then had lunch delivered to their house, then watched "The Polar Express" with our four year old grandson. When we said goodbye I was crying. I hadn't expected to be so emotional, but then I'm not trustworthy that way any more. Tomorrow we will take down the Christmas decorations and put all the toys in our guest bedroom. It's going to be many months at best before we see any of our family. As befitting my mood, it was cloudy and overcast all day, with 94% humidity. Tomorrow's forecast is 100% rain. We need it, so I'm not complaining. I'm reading a crazy, adorable book "Every Anxious Wave" by Mo Davidiau. It's a time travel book, which normally I hate, but this is goofy and the characters so endearing that I really care for them. It's one of the last two books my daughter bought for me before she died, and it brings me closer to her in a funny way. I appreciate how she loved sharing with me the books she really liked. Last January she loaned me her copy of Pachinko, by Jin Min Lee, and then we heard the author give a talk that month. She was wonderful, and I very much admired the book, which had not been on my radar before. I miss that enthusiasm so much.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's been raining on and off today, which is a pleasant surprise. My daughter came over this morning with her two boys, after canceling the walk we had planned to take with them, and while my husband and the older one built a house from plasic sticks and balls (a kit), my daughter and I strolled the baby, who would not fall asleep. He won't sleep in my portacrib any more, and he was determined not to be tricked into sleeping in the stroller. He succeeded. Do you notice how a baby's will is so much stronger than ours? We always capitulate. So we ordered Indian food delivered, I got out cooked pasta for the baby which turned out to have mold on it (so embarassing) and the four year old drank half of his mango lassi and declared himself finished with lunch. At that point, my daughter having endured three hours of orneryness, she packed them up and headed home for them to have naps. I'm exhausted, and I didn't really do much. But they livened up our day, I'll say that for them! My daughter said she might come over here after they are both asleep tonight and watch a movie with us. I think she needs a break.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This morning I had tears in my eyes because my daughter will not be alive in any part of this new year. Last year she didn't die until June, so I had half a year being with her, talking to her, and supporting her. She feels more gone today. And I don't have much jubilation for what is to come, as it all seems so tenuous and wispy. Will the vaccines reach the numbers necessary, and when and how can we see people again without masks? It's vague and not particularly comforting. But the basics are that my family is healthy and stable, and my grandchildren hanging in there. I appreciate what I have and how fortunate I am. I feel hopeful enough about the days getting longer. I'm expecting my friends to walk with me more, and I will cling to phone calls and cards and peanut butter. It's just complicated to have expectations in this altered world. And at my age, I believe it will always be so. The people I love I will leave, and memories only get you so far. I'm not the presence in my family's life I once was, so I need to be deeply aware of my own presence, so that this all feels real and I stay awake in my life's moments.