Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We are enjoying the last three days with our son, daughter-in-law and grandson. I'm trying to be awake to the little moments which will stockpile my memory bank. After they are gone I will look through my IPhotos again and again. I know, because that's what I do to see my granddaughter, and other three grandsons. I am very happy I have the IPhone, though it took me a while to figure it out, and I can't say I know how lots of things work on it. But it's been a lifesaver during this pandemic, and I'm grateful. I'm also grateful to my practice, which has trained me to notice and appreciate the tiny instants of joy and love that happen frequently and can pass us by if we aren't aware. One of the things I miss about isolation is the moments of serendipity with stranges: the stopping to admire another walker's dog and learn her name, the jokes while waiting in line, the deep conversation outside the doctor's office with a stranger, the chat at the park as I watch my grandchild. I adored those connections. Hopefully we will again feel safe for those interactions that make our days delightful, surprising and heart warming.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It was our three now four year old grandson's birthday yesterday. We took a distanced, masked walk with them in the morning, while he rode his scoot bike, then in the afternoon they were on their deck and we were below while he opened presents and ate cake. Then right at dark, we took two separate cars and drove through an area downtown that had lights and magical people in costumes and he was thrilled so much they looped around and did the drive again. My husband and I headed back home. Our grandson seemed okay but with no kids, which he's old enough to want, it was a bit sad. Luckily, he's in a preschool and Monday his parents will go in with him and tell a story. He will the the birthday boy. First our now five year old had to not have a party or friends, now this one. The two younger ones are fortunately oblivious, but our twelve year old turns 13 in April and I hope somehow she can have a real celebration. Her mother is gone, so all the hoopla will have come from her dad, unless we can be there by then. it seems doubtful. The cost of this pandemic to our children is heavy. No school, no playmates, no mentors, no music, no sports, no museums, zoos and parks. How will this change them? I have no idea, but I hope all of them are supported, feel safe, and are loved.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our Thanksgiving was fine, but the sadness was wrapped around it. Our daughter, son-in-law and their two kids: we sat outside in masks talking, but not holding or hugging the nine month old and almost four year old. They had their meal alone, though I brought them a pumpkin pie. Our older son, his wife and our five year old grandson: Facetiming and reassuring our grandson we would all get together in the spring. Our granddaughter and ex son-in-law: alone with a chicken dinner without her mom or any of us to help her through the day. And even our meal: one of the last together, as they leave next Thursday morning for a new life two states away. Yet we did it. I texted friends as well, but no need to call: we are all doing the best we can to remain hopeful, healthy, stable and sensible. It's not fun, but necessary. I hope others were wise and we do not see the huge increase in covid that is expected. Meanwhile, the weather is gorgeous: cool, crisp, sunny and with amazing leaves on the trees and on the ground. Nature seems happy for now. Maybe that's good enough.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Have you ever tried to make gluten free pastry crust? Well I did last night, and it did not work out so well. The crust seemed, well, slimy and chilling it in the refrigerator for hours made it look okay until I tried to roll it out. It crumbled like landmarks in a disaster movie. I decided to think of a jugsaw puzzle, which, by the way, I am horrible doing, and I pieced and pressed and mushed together a crust, which will fool no one. I figure they can eat the pumpkin filling and whip cream and leave the crust. My son is gluten free, and thank goodness I asked him to make the other pie, a cranberry curd recipe. Hopefully he knows how to do this better than I do. I've made okay popovers, scones and muffins, but a while ago when I tried making chocolate chip cookies which turned out melted down and crispy. If only they had gluten free ready made pie crusts. They probably do, but it's too late for me. This baby is going to have to do. More stuffing, anyone?

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We watched our eighteen month old grandson today, and we did a lot of cleaning. He made us sweep the floor and use a dustpan to dump the dirt into the trash can. Then, this afternoon, he supervised me getting rid of all the leaves which had fallen onto the plants and bushes in the back yard. Afterward I had to sweep the studio deck and finally, my husband and I helped him pick all the tree debris out of the cracks between the boards on the deck. He likes things neat and tidy. I'm sure the impulse will evaporate when he can actually clean. He likes his hands wiped right after he eats, and loves putting toys away. Of course, he gets them all strewn about again but he keeps organizing in between. Will he be a great house husband? It's possible. But probably not. In the meantime, we pass the time getting down on his level and noticing all the feathers, leaves, dust balls and food crumbs that otherwise would go unnoticed. This has it's good and bad side, but I now know what a floor looks like from a dog's point of view.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night I broke down and agreed to watch "The Mummy" with my husband, who is all boy in regards to films. He likes the action packed, science fiction loaded, goofy and implausible world. He knows I tolerate some of these films, but I'm done with the mummy movies. Afterward, he looked in his film rating book and was stunned to discover it received only 1 1/2 stars. He was shocked. I was not. He attempted to arouse me to the defense of the film, but I actually thought the review was accurate. He won't watch foreign films, BBC films and most comedies. We agree on some sci fy and dramas and comedies, but there is very little overlap. Documentaries he won't watch. Two TVs, you say? Neither of us watches enough for that, and as I get older my pull to movies gets weaker. About all my top faves are foreign, with the exception of Terence Malik's "The New World", but in the past this was not a problem, as I had my movie buddies, one for Spike Lee films and other African American films, one for strange foreign films like "The Lobster", another for ridiculous romantic comedies. But with the movie theaters shut, I'm stuck with my beloved husband and compromises I'd be ashamed to admit. Ah, well, it's good for people skills, this compromise business, and I believe I could now negotiate peace between Iran and Israel, if anyone would let me try!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I just spent almost two hours talking to a friend who lives a couple of states away. Yesterday I talked to a friend on the east coast for just as long. I feel much better after we talk. This morning my husband and I took out our new car of one week for a drive. We saw a lot of fall folliage and discovered some more things about the car, such as not knowing how to set up the phone in sync and that my husband needs to adjust his seat to be more comfortable. We were, as they say, all dressed up with nowhere to go. We put 50 more miles onto the car that had only 18 miles before. We don't really need a car right now, except that our other car we took to the cabin was 25 years old, and we did not want to put more money into it to sell it, and we need something reliable in the mountains. And now, if we ever need a quick getaway, we're set. I'm thinking fire, earthquake or other catastrophes. While driving we noticed a license plate that said SNOWS, and I told my husband I realized I must have a criminal mind, because I would not want such an easily remembered plate. I prefer annonymity. What would I be escaping from? Maybe this covid prison we're all in.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter talked us into walking with her this morning. We were both feeling depressed, and plans to go out to a preserve seemed daunting. In the end, we walked around our neighborhood, collected leaves and admired the Koi fish in a neighbor's pond. We both feel better having seen our grandsons, and the sensitivity our daughter shows is touching. My husband couldn't sleep last night because of Trump's antics and the surge of covid. I slept but am slightly under the weather probably from arthritis in my lower spine. We'll take it easy today and try to rebalance ourselves. i am so grateful to our daughter for her care and love. She is grieving as well, but still has love to give. I feel such compassion for people everywhere who are frightened and struggling to survive. They need support and reassurance, and we have a leader who is focused on himself and winning at all costs. I guess you could say we deserve him, as many voted for him yet again, but I don't think those of us who voted for Biden deserve this chaos and neither do they. Somehow they have bought his facade of power and wealth as if by associating with him it will rub off on them. The myth is that life is simple and simple solutions will keep us safe and well. Growing up requires accepting that this isn't so. Issues are complex, we are all interdependent whether we like it or not, and the compassion we show will come back to us when we need it. I have no hope for Trump or his fans growing up, because then they'd have to take RESPONSIBILITY for their actions, instead of scapegoating others. All I ask is that the election that put power in the hands of Biden be respected so we can move on and try to tackle our many problems with energy and purpose, not for ourselves, but for the greater good.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I took a long walk with a friend this morning, then my husband and I ordered from Instacart and set to work after labeling our photo albums as to year and trips. My husband got engrossed in the photos, but for me it was disturbing. There were many beautiful photos of my daughter, and I could not reconcile them with the fact of her death. I explained to my husband I was disturbed, and after we had lunch we swiftly finished up. I don't know if my kids or grandkids will even want these photos, as they are not convenient and not easily transferable to their phones and laptops. In some I hardly recognize myself, but I saw enough to know I will never, ever have a short haircut again. The horror! Even seeing how black my hair was seems strange now. And there are many photos we couldn't identify. I know I know them, but who ARE they? The ebb and flow of friendships is obvious when you look at the albums: someone who was your best friend disappears, and events that seemed so important no longer matter to you. But my kids' photos are still fun and so sweet. Will they all be thrown away after I'm gone? I have no idea. Ancient history, as they say. There is one historian in the family. Maybe he will keep them. But I'm no longer attached. I'm just the parent and grandparent. And they will do what they do.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today was "off" for me. It took a long time to get my grandson to sleep for his nap, he didn't really eat any lunch, and we couldn't have him play outside because it was so wet from yesterday's rain. I pulled out the Little Critters and that helped, but he was a bit bored. Then I was supposed to have a phone consult with my doctor as I had no renewals on three prescriptions, and she was over an hour off in calling, and then I had to tell her about my daughter dying and she said I could have antidepressants, whic I don't feel I need. I also have to get lab work, and that makes me nervous, with the covid surge. Then I had to call my pharmacy, wait twenty minutes on hold, so I could get the meds sent to my house. I missed saying goodbye to my grandson, and I was too grumpy to cook dinner, so we made BLTs. I feel like my fur has been rubbed the wrong way. I left my husband watching THX 1138 and came out to my studio to order some more Christmas gifts, but I'm too rattled. I'll leave it until tomorrow. I find myself very disturbed around any medical stuff since my daughter's death, so there definitely is PTSD going on, and I try to remain rational, but I'm fighting aversion to medicine and doctors. I know they are heros and overwhelmed, but it triggers a deep disturbance in me when I flash back to my daughter's disease and death. It's been almost six months, but it seems like yesterday. A nightmare I cannot awaken from. Grief is like that.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a cleansing rain today, a nice big drink of water. I managed to get a walk in right before the shower, and then stayed in the rest of the day to read a murder mystery. I also had a nice long talk with my daughter, and she tried Facetiming with my baby grandson, who burst into tears the minute he saw my face. He sees me only about once a week and with a mask on, so he doesn't even know my features. Stranger fear. It hurts a bit, but such is the pandemic world. We have decided only to see them outside and with masks, so no Thanksgiving with them. We will be with our younger son, his wife, and toddler, because they are our pod and they are moving two states away at the beginning of December, and then we will not see them for many months. Everything here is shutting back down, and we are all a bit more fearful than this summer. In the U.S. there was an 81% jump in cases this week. It's hard to wrap my mind around. And our area has become more vulnerable. Now the jump is in all zipcodes and areas, not just in pockets. I'm hopeful Biden will quickly address and organize a response when he's president, but he has the roadblock of Trump right now. The red states are overwhelmed, but Trump doesn't even care about his fans. Cruel and callous, he turns his back on his death and destruction. The entire situation is shameful.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My women's group met again yesterday, and we all find ourselves confronting the same dilemas: missing grandchildren, how to keep safe, how to keep sane and how to keep feeling connected when there is very little or no connection. We supported each other in our limits for the holidays while acknowledging how much it hurts to not see kids and grandkids who are far away and even nearby. The emotional cost is high, but in our age bracket there really is little choice. We struggle together, and know exactly where the other is coming from. Next meeting may be in the rainy season, and so we will have to be flexible. I offered my garage, but that was considered a dismal alternative, so we may have to suddenly rearrange the meeting to a dry day. If you could see us, we are pretty funny: all bundled up in parkas, scarves and masks, like a polar bear club. Luckily for us, the temperature never dips too much, and we can sit outside with thermoses of tea and talk. If we were in snow country we couldn't meet. So I'm grateful that we have this group, and we, of course, can talk to each other via devices in between. Old lady power, yaaaah.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The rain yesterday was like a blessing, and the plants and trees are newly washed today. We're hoping Tuesday brings more rain. I'm remembering seeing the Anasazi sites in the southwest and the speculation about why those people disappeared, one theory being drought drove them away. A thousand years of trading and coexistence destroyed by drought. I can vividly imagine it now. We perhaps are the end people for a once flourishing area squandered by ego and arrogance. We determined to expand, tear down forests, divert waters and build in desert. Now we will migrate, but to where? I know I won't see it, but I can imagine it. Honoring nature and the land has always been the wise option, but wisdom is in short supply in our culture and others. We have no far reaching sight to guide us. Accepting less instead of wanting more is counter to our very being at this point. We need a whole lot of people for role models and guides to this new, diminished yet more balanced world. I hope January 20 brings us some.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I went to the zoo today with our younger daughter and her two boys, the older of who got a negative covid test last night. We wore masks and socially distanced, and we had purchased tickets before hand. So there were not crowds, and people obeyed the rules. Our nine month old grandson saw animals for the first time: giraffes, elephants, zebras, baboons, gibbons, camels and our favorite, a big black pig. It felt wonderful to be out SEEING something, but that might be it for bravery for a while. Our state surpassed one million cases, and doctors, nurses and hospitals are overwhelmed everywhere. The is not a time to let our guard down. I'm getting used to the idea of hunkering down for the holidays and hoping for the best in the new year. Anything else seems crazy. Because nobody is in control of this pandemic. We are at its mercy. Why people are not being careful is beyond my conprehension. Don't they know, at this point, people who've struggled with covid or died? Don't they care? Wishing it away is not possible. And yet, there is the president closing his eyes, hands over his ears, refusing to see the devastation he has wrought. And his supporters follow that example. It's purely insane.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I ate lunch outside at our friends' house, and it was a delightful break from our routine. She made lovely squash soup and we had pizza as well, from our local bakery. It wasa chilly though, so despite our jackets, they turned the deck heater on. We realize this outside eating will not be viable soon. Adjust and adapt, adjust and adapt. That's what we all do these days. I have ordered my Christmas cards and made a list of things to do around the holidays. Not much, but I don't mind that break. I'm letting the joy come from figuring out what to get the grandkids, and ordering a new stocking for the little one who wasn't even born last year. Whether I decorate or not will be decided by whether my daughter, and her family, keep the three year old out of preschool and test before. I'm okay either way, at this point. Having been careful for so long, it's crazy to get sloppy now. I fear covid, and my own vulnerability to it. But at my age, there is always some health threat to fear; it's just part of the package of being fortunate enough to still be alive and kicking. I would say I'm adjusting and adapting nicely.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday was cold for us, which of course does not mean we'd get any sympathy from the rest of the country, but the chill was a bit disconcerting. It fits in with the strange goings on in Washington, D.C., where it seems Republicans want to ignore the election and keep on as if it had never occurred. Didn't they swear to uphold the Constitution? Aren't they elected by us? It does send a chill up my spine. Dr. Strangelove and how I decided to declare the U.S. my fiefdom. Most of us in this country want a break from this craziness, so we can stop the pandemic and do work for the people. But the people who find this attractive? Do they really want to see what having no power and representation looks like? This is a bully's game: to make decent people stand down and let them take over the schoolyard. We saw The Untouchables a couple of nights ago, as a nod to Sean Connery, and at one point we turned to each other and said "mafia". Robert de Niro playing Al Capone was Trump personified. Let's hope sanity prevails, because this is no game we're playing, this is the stability of our nation. Great Britain found out when Brexit played out and people realized they had wrought suffering and havoc on themselves. Bullies expect to be held in check, because they have no self mechanism to turn off the destruction. Trump will not concede, so an alternate plan must be put in place. But McConnell has broken his vows as a senator. He should be impeached.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's turned chilly here and today we bundled up to stroll with our grandson and then hang out in the backyard this afternoon. Our grandson was begging up to fill the watering can, but no way, Jose. I'm thinking more about the grandkids presents for Christmas, and scouring catalogues to find fun gifts. We may be having Christmas by ourselves, but I've adjusted. Also, I've been super fortunate with my kids and grandkids, so this would be the first Christmas with no one. I can handle it. I turn on the radio station that plays Christmas music right at Thanksgiving and drive my husband insane until New Years. I feel like Biden's win has tempered my sorrow and downright cheered me up. I wanted a woman president, but one step at a time, I guess. I'm busy being happy we have a woman vice president, and she is a woman I admire, so who knows? She may make it all the way. I'm so happy for the female part of the human race. We need to be seen as competent, powerful, and inspiring. She all of that and more.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Friday at the cabin we scattered the ashes of our dog who died sixteen years ago. His ashes have been in the cabin all those years, because he loved the cabin and fetching tennis balls in the lake and just being there with us. We flung them behind the cabin and I chanted and my husband said some words. Our younger son brought his dog's ashes up and we then walked to the lake and scattered his ashes. He died when our grandson was a new baby, and they've kept the ashes with them, but felt, as they are now moving out of state, that as he loved being at the cabin with them he would like to be part of the lake. And they will return and when they are swimming or canoeing he will be all around them. It felt healing to all of us, and then the next day we had the news of Biden's win, and it felt as if some of our sorrow of the last year lifted a bit. My husband and I have decided to scatter our other two dogs ashes in our back yard, which they loved better than the cabin. Still to come: scattering my brother's ashes after his death five years ago, and scattering part of our daughter's ashes next summer, when hopefully we can all be together. I do believe we are all one organism and completely and forever interconnected. I've always felt that way, since I was a child. It is comforting, but to me it is truth as well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm very happy today that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will be our leaders in January. I think of my two half South Asian kids, and I'm so glad for them, though my daughter has not lived to see this day. Her daughter is seeing it. I'm proud of the campaign they ran, and for all the voters who turned out despite covid and all the misinformation slung at us. I feel hopeful again, and I can turn on the radio now, or even the TV, without terror and stress. I know our country is divided, but with the right leadership that can be bridged for many more of us. Just the thought of a civil level of discourse is easing my anxiety. Civility is a start. I was glad to avoid the emails, texts and polls this past week, instead walking and playing with my eighteen month old grandchild, and basking in his joy and innocence. We played spades after he went to bad, and cheerfully woke up around 4:30 each morning to entertain him. I appreciated the chance to see more of him, our son and daughter-in-law before they move two states away. We saw the first snow at the cabin last night and today, and it brought back many happy memories of times at the cabin skiing, sliding on ice, tobagganing and making snow people. The cold air felt clean and crisp, and then the news Biden had won. It was a good day.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I just finished watching via zoom a two and a half hour retreat "Healing the World" My teacher and three others, including JoAnna Macy, spoke about how out of balance our world is, and I found it helpful. Praying for a restoration of sanity and balance among us humans and on behalf of the earth seemed a good plan leading up to the election. Tomorrow my husband and I are going to our cabin to be with our younger son, his wife, and son. I don't want media blaring at me and analyzing. I feel like I cannot stand the stress. Being among the big trees, listening to the ravens and watching the ospreys fish is a better use of my time and more protective of my mental health. Yesterday I packaged up 120 bags of candy, set out the signs for our neighborhood group, and watched for a while from the roof of the garage as families came by and plucked up the goodies. I almost didn't do it, but then that seemed defeatest, as if I was quitting because of the virus. There was a safe way to trick or treat, and I supported that concept. We actually went over to our younger daughter's house to see those two grandkids in their costumes: a pirate and a lion. They were adorable, and pleased we came. I received prompt photos from the other grandkids: a catapillar, a black cat and a Powderpuff girl. I looked at them on and off all evening, and felt glad that everyone was having fun. Then my husband and I watched "Them", a fifties film with B actors who became TV stars: James Witmore, Fess Parker, James Arness and Leonard Nimoy. Giant ants had mutated after a nuclear test site in New Mexico created a master race of ants who were going to take over the world. The special effects didn't hold up, but it was pretty funny. Better than thinking about the election, anyway.