Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We woke up to a deluge of rain this morning, a veritable torrent.  It's calmed down now, and we are grateful for any and all rain.  With it comes the clean air.  Last night we visited our younger grandson and gave him his presents and brought a tiny cake.  He was thrilled and sang Happy Birthday again and again.  He will love his party even more, but also be overwhelmed.  This was just our daughter, his other grandfather, my husband and me.  Today I am feeling prickly.  Not sure why, but I am going to respect it and take it easy.  I have two mysteries I can read, and my husband and I are about to take a walk in the rain drenched neighborhood.  I'm going to breathe in this fresh air, and think of the animals who will be helped by this storm and the new shoots and leaves it will produce.  Other sentient beings who are affected more than I am, and suffer in silence.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today my friend and I went on a shopping blitz.  We hit Target, Nordstrom Rack, a bookstore and bakery.  We are checking off our holiday lists.  I bought a little green cake for our grandson, who is two today.  His party is on the weekend, but we're bringing our gifts this afternoon and celebrating a bit with him.  He sure has lighted up our lives, and we enjoy watching him on Fridays.  He knows how to singing Happy Birthday, and he will love the party.  In spring, another grandchild is coming, and our cup runneth over.  I love the Buddha nature of babies.  How curious, open, loving and delighted they are, and how much they learn minute by minute.  Witnessing it is a miracle.  I love finding a gift for them and watching their joy.  A tiny car or ball is enough.  All gifts are the same.  As they get older that will change, but for now the whole world is magical. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today my husband and I saw "Bohemian Rapsody".  Wow!  Yesterday "Maria Callas" and today Freddie Mercury.  I loved both films.  The first is a documentary and in Callas' own words.  "Bohemian" is a film with actors, but they look amazingly like the persons they portray.  One an incomparable singer and great beauty, well, actually, both amazing singers and gorgeous.  I cried at the end of both films.  Callas was 53 when she died and Mercury 45.  Great losses.  Both had sad childhoods that causes wounds that would never heal.  They were shooting stars, awe inspiring and swiftly gone.  They were both full of soul, and all about the heart.  They received huge responses because that is how people connected with them.  You could bypass the mind and listen with the heart. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband read me an article in the paper this morning about a black bear who broke into a freezer outside of a man's house.  It was filled with venison, pork and  slabs of beef.  When the man walked outside he saw a stack of sticks near the shed where the freezer with the meat in it.  Curious, he opened the shed and freezer and looked inside to find all the meat still inside.  The bear had selected huge packages of corn dogs, carefully unwrapped each from the plastic, and after sucking off the corn dogs, methodically arranged the sticks in a pile.  Even bears in our culture go for the junk food rather than the pure protein!
I like that bear.  Corn is one of my favorite foods and it was my mother's as well.  Popcorn, corn on the cob, cornbread, corn salsa, you name it, my mother gorged on it.  My father used to drive to the nearby movie theater and pick up and bring back a big bag of popcorn for her.  Now if that's not love I don't know what is.  Popcorn is my dessert of choice, and today I'm going to see the documentary on Maria Callas, and a popcorn bag will be my companion.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Ah, a pound and a half up, but worth every ounce.  We had a great and grateful Thanksgiving.  Breathing clean air was wonderful, the rain was wonderful, the meal was wonderful and the  family was all together wonderful.  The little grandsons bungled, the granddaughter helped cook and was her aunt's assistant for the pies.  We all got along pleasantly and everyone agreed it was the most delicious meal ever.  The washing dishes part was shared by all, and by the next morning I could put away the platters and big bowls and all the paraphaealia we use only once or twice a year.  By the next evening I'd given the kids leftovers and the refrigerator could close again, and we'd had turkey cassarole for our day after  Thanksgiving meal.  Yesterday we drove our older daughter and granddaughter to the airport, and we had a salad for dinner and watched "Chappie".  Today we go to the premiere of an opera, "It's a Wonderful Life", which has gotten good reviews.  Then on to regular life for a few weeks, and the ordinary tasks that comfort us.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm so grateful for the whole family being here for Thanksgiving.  Last year all but our younger daughter, her husband, and son, made it to our older daughter's house, where, we had a lot of fun and, despite setting the oven on fire briefly, had yummy food.  We ordered most of it, but cooked the turkey ourselves, and two of the three grandchildren were there.  We were all very tender then, as our older daughter had been diagnosed with metastasized cancer, and she was drained from the brain radiation.  Since then, they've found a chemo pill that works wonderfully, and she has resumed her life enthusiastically.  She has a job she adores, her novel is being published, she's taking amazing trips with friends, and now she's flying down for this Thanksgiving.  Her daughter is already here.  What a difference a year makes!  We are blessed.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been spending my time with my ten year old granddaughter and the younger grandson who is almost two.  Today my younger daughter and I drove up to see the older grandson.  It was a bit overwhelming for the granddaughter to be in the room with two hyper toddlers, and but she aquitted herself well.  We went out for pizza and she had them both crawling all over her and running trucks up the back of the booth.  At one point the older toddler danced in the middle of the cafe, and the younger was squirming on the floor.  We are not easily embarrassed and we carried on blithely.  We left the granddaughter with them for a couple of days and the younger grandson conked out the minute the car started.  They are all stir crazy from being inside, and the air today was dreadful.  Hope is on the way, as we are supposed to have rain tomorrow night or Wednesday.   We don't know how long this pocket of bad air will sit over us like a blanket of doom.  This is uncharted territory.  As is the big climate picture.  I hope a lot of people wake up and smell the smoke.  We need to take drastic action, and now.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We're preparing for our granddaughter's visit.  But mixed in with the excitement is worry about the bad air quality, what to do that is inside, how to protect her until something shifts.  Tonight we'll pick her up, come home for dinner and stay in.  Tomorrow we will go to a science center, maybe an ice cream parlor, and make a gingerbread turkey at home.  Then we drive her to our older son's house, where she will be for couple of days until they drive her back, and by then, we hope, the air will be much better.  And when I feel bad I think about all the missing people, the horror stories, the lives destroyed and the people having to start over.  Then I pray.  This Thanksgiving, it feels like our blessings are an affront to massive suffering, and it's agonizing to be grateful when we need to take in the thousands who need food and shelter and protection from breathing the horrible air. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What a crazy day!  I was babysitting my grandson, talking on the phone to our younger son who was taking his pregnant wife up to the cabin, arranging our granddaughter's visit tomorrow, all at the same time.  After my daughter picked up her son, I accompanied them to the kids' haircutting place, and took pictures while he cried in her lap.  He was not a happy camper.  Only the Thomas the Train video kept him in the chair.  After, he was happy with his orange sucker, and he looked so BOY with his hair slicked back.  Then home to check on the birthday gifts I'd ordered, and see where I am with being ready for this holiday week.  The answer was not comforting.  The smoke must be in my brain!  Still hoping for a shift of wind or rain or well, a miracle.  And the losses from the fire amass like golems lurking in the background.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I have been distracting ourselves from the smoke and cabin fever by watching "Pride and Prejudice", both the long Colin Firth one and the short Laurence Olivier film.  We discuss the merits of each version, the acting, and the impression each leaves.  We both liked Firth and Ehle, but my husband prefers Olivier and Garson.  We love the short film's happier tone and lightness, but the last third is totally inaccurate to the novel.  Though we love that Lady Catherine, she is not recognizable from the book, with her abrupt about face in approving Elizabeth.  The BBC film is much more accurate and fills in many important plot points left out of the short film.  The former is much darker and the later comedic.  I am a stickler for not overlaying modern interpretations on the novel, and so I do find the BBC film more faithful in intention to render a perfect novel perfectly.  But as I say this, my one quibble with the novel, and both films is Lydia's and Mrs. Bennett's ignorance of what Lydia's elopement means to the family.  I can only conclude that Lydia is a sociopath and her mother amazingly stupid.  Something about that device of the elopement and Darcy's rescue to redeem the family is so implausible as to be a glaring fantasy.  I'd have asked Jane to change that plot point and invent one that is more in the whelm of possibility.  What?!  Edit Jane Austen?!  Cabin fever indeed!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm house cleaning today.  I've washed down cabinets, wiped the floors, and and will dust shortly.  Since we're stuck inside, might as well make the environment pristine, or what passes for clean in our house.  I began married life at nineteen being the housekeeper for an estate with 14 huge rooms and 7 bathrooms.  My husband was the gardener.  No, the experience did not bear any resemblance to "Lady Chatterly's Lover".  I quickly became disillusioned with the cleaning.  Next week, everything had to be done all over again.  So, you see, I have the skills, just not much motivation.  I also try to use environmentally friendly products, and between you and me, they don't really do the trick as well.  Lots of elbow grease is required.  I always feel I'm on the side of servants, so I can't really bear to hire someone to do this.  I remember vividly my thoughts about my employer on the estate.  And they were not pretty.  I'd rather suffer than feel guilty about all the blessings I have.  Well, I feel guilty anyway, but less so.  And, it's good exercise!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This morning I ventured out to Trader Joe's, then bought yarn, presents and cards for upcoming birthdays, and a bigger space heater for my studio, which with it's cement floor and lack of insulation has had me chilled to the bone.  I was fluttering around due to cabin fever from hiding from the smoke, depression from the victims of the fires, and generally a sense of not being able to do anything about any of it.  At Trader Joe's I ran into two friends, one of whom was wearing a mask, the other going crazy as she teaches elementary school and no outside recess is testing the ingenuity of teachers and staff.  Three kids "escaped" yesterday, and all are wired and off the wall.  My daughter and daughter-in-law, who also teach, are frazzled and can't wait for the Thanksgiving break.  Then we feel petty when so many have lost their lives, their homes, their jobs, their pets.  Thank goodness for the people who go to fire areas and rescue the animals, bring them here, and wait for the owners to find them when they get oriented and have a place to stay.  They are courageous to be so proactive.  They save many, many animals.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday, tired of being trapped in the house by smoke, I saw a movie several blocks from where I live.  "Can You Ever Forgive Me?" very much exceeded my expectations.  It is the true story of Lee Israel, who forged letters from famous writers, and sold them as original.  Melissa McCarthy still has a mouth on her in this film, but it seems natural and realistic, versus her over the top potty humor in most of her films.  The role is perfect for her, and for Richard E. Grant, and they both steal the show, skipping gleefully down the street.  While not appealing people, they are sympathetic and we know they are intelligent, but frustrated by whatever demons haunt them.  You don't know their childhoods or back story, which I found refreshing, and that helps us not feel manipulated by their dire straights at the time period portrayed.  Two Eleanor Rigbys, lonely as it gets.  I recognized these people, they were real, and I wished them well while knowing it was not going to turn out happily.  I had tears in my eyes at the end, when Lee confronts her ex-girlfriend, played perfectly by Anna Deveare Smith, and the fairy tale ending does not apply.  Truth, unvarnished, but breathtakingly real.  I was blown away.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Still the strange light, though the sky is a bit more blue today.  I can see the wind in the trees, so the threat and fear of fire is ever present.  I was going to take myself to a movie today, but I waited too long and "Colette" is gone.  I watched a twenty minute video yesterday of Queen's Live Aid concert portion.  It was beautiful and powerful and Freddie Mercury was amazing.  But then the review of the film, "Bohemian Rhapsody" was not good, so I guess I won't see that.  I can listen to their music at home.  I just haven't been compelled to see anything that is out right now.  The election took the sap out of me, and now the fires are scaring me.  I think I'll go buy Thanksgiving cards, because connecting with friends and family is appealing, and I am looking forward to our granddaughter coming next Saturday, and our older daughter after that.  Yesterday was the anniversary of my mother's death, and I miss her after thirty some years.  She was complex, difficult, smoked, drank, and wanted things her way.  Her disappointment was palpable.  Yet she was all heart, funny, endeared legions of friends to her, and her family was close.  She had amazing design skills, and could make anything:  a coat, hat, sweater, painting, embroidery, crafts of every kind, and she could cook up a storm.  She adored her grandchildren and was infinitely amused by them.  She taught them card games and watched them swim in her pool.  She was a family person through and through.  So am I.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The light is strange:  orangish and sickly looking.  We are huddled inside because of fires, and it's not going to let up for days.  Our pregnant daughter-in-law is stuck in her place, and her brother, his wife and their baby, who are visiting, are trapped inside as well.  Yesterday our son, daughter-in-law and grandson north of us were okay, but today their air quality is bad.  There is no rain in the forecast.  More people dead and thousands of homes destroyed.  My son had sent me an air filter email, and luckily I'd bought two and yesterday they arrived.  The air quality in our house is good, but they are both turned on, in case that changes.  Today I ordered two masks.  Just in case.  We worry especially about our daughter-in-law with asthma and our pregnant daughter-in-law and our two grandchildren here.  Our granddaughter is in another state.  A state that gets rain.  I think we need a rain dance.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, lucky me!  My cellphone was at the theater and I was able to pick it up last night.  I need to write a thank you to the staff, who were so sweet about it.  Now that I've got it back, I feel determined to not be so dependent on it and get my photos all into my computer.  In the meantime, losing it distracted me from election results, and now I hope to not be distracted by upteen emails a day and texts begging for money.  I'm such a polite person that I actually debate sending something to each and every one, then mostly delete the whole lot.  What I love is my photos.  Two of my three grandchildren are living far enough away that the snaps and videos are infinitely comforting.  When I miss them I scroll down their photos and smile.  I try not to bore friends with these; I just enjoy my private look-see and go on my way.  A little hit of happiness.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I lost my cell phone last night at a play reading.  My friend and I sat in the front row, so I had to put my bag under my feet.  I didn't miss it until I got home, then it took me about an hour to search, and when I was doing that my son called and was able to use GPS to locate it at the theater, which is nearby, but of course no one was there.  I left a message, but will have to wait around today until a person listens and looks for it.  I've got my fingers crossed.  Luckily, I have a password, so no one can get in, but my photos, my photos!  My kids and grandkids.  My son-in-law was in a process of getting my phone to automatically back up the photos onto my computer, but hasn't had the time to get it up and running.  So now I am tethered to my landline until I know if my phone is there for sure.  Otherwise I shut it down and will have to get another.
You know what's aggravating?  How much it upset me.  I kept telling myself it's no biggie, and people lose their belongings in much worse situations:  fires, burgaries, purse snatching.  I'm just a big cry baby!  It took me forever to get to sleep last night, because I remember reaching for my phone before the performance began to shut it completely off, and didn't find it, but thought it must be at home.  If only I'd looked then!  What a dope I am.  Oh, well, I guess I already knew that. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We voted this morning bright and early.  Yesterday my husband fell and hurt his wrist, so he has an appointment to see the doctor this morning.  I hope it's not broken or badly sprained.  We were just walking along and he stumbled and fell, putting his whole weight on his hand.  It's a jungle out there, at least for those of us aging and having more trouble with our balance.  I hope his fall is not an omen for the election.  I've been super jittery and so is everyone I know.  I realized today I've put off buying the new Haruki Murakami novel because I'm not really in the amused, ironic frame of mind to enjoy it.  I've lost some of my sense of humor.  I've not got the lightness to read him right now.  Instead I'm reading a book about Guantanamo prisoners, by Dan Fesperman, and it's darkness fits right in with my mood.  Before that I read "The Survivor's Cafe", about the legacy of Holocaust survivors.  I'm a regular little cloud cover.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My practice involves turning and facing patterns in my life, so that I more fully understand my motivations and have responses that are measured and not reactive.  Saturday my daughter-in-law and I discussed them moving after the baby because their place isn't big enough, which is true.  They find the housing prices here prohibitive, as does everyone, and they may move north.  My reaction every time she or my son mentions moving is pretty strong, though I attempt to hide it.  After all, they need to do what is right for them.
But this time I didn't turn away from the fear that arose, but connected it with long ago.  My first husband threatened to take our two kids and go back to his home halfway around the world.  Then he locked me out of our place twice for several days, and wouldn't let me even talk to the kids, who were toddlers.  I still have PTSD from being separated from them suddenly and without anyone caring for them but him.  I realize I irrationally fear separation, despite our kids having lived on the east coast and abroad.  Almost fifty years have passed, yet when any of them moves away, a cold terror begins in my heart.  Well, the fear is ridiculously unfounded at this point in time and has been for decades, so I'm going to notice when it arises, and be amused at myself.  After all, the kids are married and have kids of their own.  It's no longer my job to protect them.  And it looks like all four of them enjoying seeing us often enough that I'll be seeing them plenty.  SO I CAN STOP WORRYING.  Sigh.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The time change makes everything dreamsville, and even the light looks different.  Going back an hour should benefit me because I wake up early every single day.  But the dark at five thing is dreadful.  We walked around the reservoir today and it felt hot, but that was because we weren't really beginning at 10:30 am but right before noon.  The sun was just as hot as the day before, time change or no.  I've been trying to get my phone to work for texting to encourage people to vote, but evidently the instructions are beyond me.  I'm going to have to call my friend and see if she can help me.  She's already texted 500 people!  As if I needed to feel any dumber about this technology stuff.  Everything about it makes me jumpy and scares me a bit.  Oh well.  I need some technical support.  If that fails, I'll just try tonglen meditation and pray for people to vote.  I'm more comfortable with the meditation thing.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going soon to have lunch and shop for maternity clothes for/with my daughter-in-law.  I treasure this time with her because she's super busy with her job and commute.  I've made a tradition out of taking my daughter or daughter-in-law maternity clothes shopping, beginning with my older daughter ten years ago, then my daughter-in-law three years ago, followed by my younger daughter two years ago and now my younger daughter-in-law.  As with a lot of my traditions, I began it myself, because neither my mother or mother-in-law offered for me, and I could have used the help.  My mother was a terrific seamstress, but I guess sewing maternity clothes was pretty boring.  In Fiji, pregnant for the first time, I used a treadle sewing machine to make myself some shifts, but they were pretty dreadful.  Also, back in the day, maternity clothes were hideous:  mushroom shaped tops that made you look like a circus tent, and lots of peterpan collars and ruffles.  Not my best look at five feet tall.  Now there are respectable and stylish clothes, and in fabrics that are super comfortable.  I missed that boat, just like I missed safe car seats, baby monitors, sound machines, and every sensible baby item and all the cute ones.  So today will be fun, and I can make up for my own lack of support in the dark ages.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went around with my daughter and grandson while he tried out the trick-or-treat thing.  He was too shy to say trick-or-treat but managed to say thank you every time.  We walked the neighborhood before dark, and he handled the decorations, including scary clowns and many, many huge spiders (a fear of his) well.  That is because he was absolutely enchanted with the candy, which he'd never had before.  As each piece went into his bag, he stopped, insisted he "try it" and munched away to the next house.  Near the end he spied a little girl about his age in a rainbow skirt and a unicorn horn.  I think he thought that costume was the cat's meow.  Soon he unraveled from sugar and the day's exhaustion, and was brought back home in his mother's arms.  He had a little yogurt and one bite of mac and cheese and he was done for the day.  Bath and bedtime stories were the next big event.  I returned to my house where my husband was handing out candy, and since we have a lot of stairs, few kids rang the bell.  But the last group of thirteen year old girls asked him if he wanted them to sing, he said yes, and they did.  Pretty adorable.