Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My thinking is getting skewered because of worry about our daughter.  Today the next door neighbor had a hot tub put in and used our steps to have the people carry it up.  I snapped at one guy because he was coming through our gate.  I told him they weren't supposed to be in that area.  It turns out he was just handing flats up to the others.  Our sun room is right there and on that side it's a wall of glass.  Also the two big trucks were covering our driveway.  Any little thing shakes me.  I need to be careful I don't act unkindly to others because I'm stressed.  I see some anger in myself.  Anger that our daughter has this disease and has to go through these treatments.  A sense of unfairness arises, even though I know disease isn't fair.  Why her?  These thoughts are not helpful to me or her.  So I want to monitor my thinking and be sure I'm responding not being reactive.  My mind and behavior will have a negative impact if I don't watch it.  I need my heart generosity to be active, and keep with "Don't know".  Let me be especially kind right now.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went with my younger daughter, son-in-law, grandson, and other grandparents, my brand new daughter-in-law and their dog (dressed as batman) to a little Halloween parade nearby, and it was sweet seeing the tiny ones all dressed up as zebras, princesses, Dory, unicorns etc.  Our little guy was Curious George, and his daddy was the man in the yellow hat.  Our daughter was a banana.  I wore a hat that was a birthday cake with candles, and the the kids seemed to love it.  I got it from my brother many years ago.  Children love transformation, and pretending to be something or someone else is magical to them.  Halloween is my favorite holiday:  no presents to buy, scary and joyful, visiting neighbors and giving the gift of candy as they brave ringing the doorbell.  It's simple and really focused on children, unlike most of the other holidays, which can get exhausting, greedy, and cost an arm and a leg.  I'll miss the actual night, so this was a treat for me!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night I felt numb with despair.  Part of me knew my daughter will survive, but last night I wanted more.  I wanted her to not have pain or terror or interruption of her life.  I felt greedy.  I thought I should call my friend, but I was too dark to speak to anyone.  Today I am packing up for our trip to our daughter, and kept myself busy all morning with that and laundry.  I am reading the Chernov biography of Ulysees S. Grant, and his trials and tribulations remind me we can do great things with the tools and limitations we have.  He struggled, and he was kind and brave and determined.  People's lives are messy, and full of setbacks, hardships and challenges.  Otherwise, we'd be cows, and then we'd be hamburger, so really there is not a lot of choice.  Being human means suffering.  The trick is to avoid as much as possible blinding ourselves to the beautiful moments in amongst the suffering.  Birds are singing, squirrels are digging holes in my succulents, I'm feeling the joy of walking without my knee being sore.  It's ALL happening.  And it is for my daughter as well and my granddaughter.  They are not diminished by this challenge.  They are not less.  They are stronger and more appreciative and more loving and kinder.  It's not easy, but it's rich, this life we are given.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter will begin brain radiation, perhaps today.  So much sudden shock and now galvanizing ourselves for this big fight.  We have the prayers of many friends and family, and she will do this, I know.  But the cost is high, and as her mother I hate that she has to pay it.  She will do it not only for herself but her daughter.  I'm going to be praying that a new treatment will give her lots more time and I know many good people are passionate about curing this disease.  I've been going to breast cancer symposiums with a friend who is a breast cancer survivor for four years, and a lot of people care.  I have friends who are long term survivors.  I've witnessed and supported many.  Now it's my turn to accept support from my friends.  I am deeply grateful for their love.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter received more bad news about tests, and we cried.  But we are fighting.  She is going to get a treatment that works and keeps her life rich and rewarding, as it is now.  She is a warrior.  I have to be a warrior as well.  We want to be strong for her and our granddaughter, and fight for the future and treasure every moment along the way.  I have no more to say.  I am in battle mode.  We will get the help she needs and the care she deserves. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I believe a lot of people have been pausing in sadness to now witness the "Me, too" phenomenon and reflect back on the public's and Congress' treatment of Anita Hill.  She gave right speech and right witness, and was rejected and reviled for it.  Is there any clearer statement of lack of support for women?  The man she accused is on the United States Supreme Court.  So many of us believed her back then and yet a woman's word against a man's is seldom supported.  She was humiliated.  And not because men don't do those things but because we somehow don't think their actions are important or impactful.  We now have right speech in numbers, but even during those hearings there were other women at the ready to corroborate her testimony, but they weren't called.  A dozen women, a hundred, a thousand cannot stand against a man of power and connections.  What are we showing our daughters and granddaughters?  That right speech in the mouths of women is not heard?  Will "Me, too" change anything?  I wonder.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I took a walk around a nearby reservoir this morning, and we felt pretty good after.  My husband stopped going when our two dogs got old, and I worry about him not getting enough exercise, so I thought I was encouraging him.  But with my walking sticks I made it around fine, and proved I could do heartier walking myself, and what better place than where there is blue water and birds to admire?  Why haven't I done this myself was the question I came away with.  I think I lost confidence with all my knee and hip aches and pains, and thought I was more delicate than I actually am.  Now I want to go every morning out there or somewhere, and get my fitness level up.  Pushing the stroller for the grandson has helped in a subtle way, and he keeps me active.  I don't want to lose mobility, and if I put matter over mind, I can enjoy these fall days and the boost the walking provides.  So I guess I wasn't fixing my husband after all, I was fixing myself.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I am seeing my foster granddaughter later this morning.  I didn't see her the entire summer, but for good reason:  she was super busy with camps, activities and family trips.  She's in junior high now, and a cheerleader, and trains rabbits for 4H.  Her family has knitted around her and become stable and happy.  But she reached out to me, and I will never ignore that gesture.  She's twelve going on twenty one, so it's a bit disconcerting.  We used to do little girl stuff, and now I'm often at a loss.  If there is no film we can got to, it usually ends up we shop.  But the important thing is we "catch up", and our connection is unbroken.  She's taller than I am now, and heartbreakingly beautiful.  She has confidence and poise, and retains her tender heart.  Her love of all animals is one thing that bonds us.  I'm sure we'll have a meaningful time this morning.  And I have the gift of witnessing her growth into an amazing young woman.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I hope our daughter has a good weekend.  She and we are awaiting results of more tests, and it's best not to wait, but get on with our lives and not tackle phantoms when we will know soon a course of treatment that is specific and doable.  Her life is rich and full of love and friendship, and I hope she enjoys everything one day at a time.  Let her weekend be beautiful and filled with laughter and beauty and love.  Speculation is fruitless and depressing.  Whatever will be will be.  My mother used to love that song Doris Day sang:  "Que cera, cera".  The future's not ours to see.  No, and that is not where we should be directing our minds.  Here and now.  Here and now.  Right now is complicated enough, and rich enough and full of happiness and pain, mixed up in the shimmering fountain of life.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today our little grandson was over, and he fought the good fight about taking a nap, but when he awoke, he was happy and curious and we took him out for lunch and a dozen people came over to talk to him as he ate sideways in the high chair.  He smiled, he made their day, and he was gracious.  We heard a white bearded man say his kids hadn't had kids, and I said it's never too late, and he said oh yes it is.  They're in their sixties!  Women fawned over him.  He left in triumph an hour later having eaten a pickle, a lot of bread, chicken, a sqeezie veggie thing, and assorted crackers.  I cleaned up the mess at his feet and we returned home to listen to the Old MacDonald puzzle that drives us crazy, read the same book ten times, race cars and pretend we were sipping tea.  His new thing is pointing his right index finger.  He's a genius.  Or at least highly entertaining.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our beloved older daughter has had a return of her cancer and we are all struggling with what it means and what will happen.  The biopsy showed one small tumor, so if the test coming up show no other sites, we're hoping this will be swiftly and easily treated.  But it's agony to think she is going through this again after only four years, and our granddaughter is upset.  We are all stunned, and our daughter has a new job she adores, a new boyfriend, and so many plans, and we want all those plans to happen.  She heard this news on her birthday, and as she is a warrior, she was brave.  "Don't know" is a mantra of mine, so I'm practicing it:  no anticipation of what will be, just one day at a time.  But I know not only is she a fighter, but our whole family will fight with and for her.  She's our Wonder Woman.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm attempting to get back into the blog, after our dog dying suddenly, a wedding, fires threatening our older son's house, and other monkey wrenches thrown up in the air.  The wedding was beautiful, and I believe the couple was thrilled.  They are off on their honeymoon now, and hopefully blissful and rested.  Our guests are departed, our ordinary lives perhaps about to resume.  Or not.  We both miss our dog, and we are exhausted.  We are babysitting our grandson this week as his nanny is on vacation, and he's probably the best tonic.  We take him to the park and watch him watch the older children and play with trucks and walkers.  He loves wheels and pushing toys and can stand and walk holding onto a toy.  The wheels are churning his his rapidly growing brain.  He also has a new interest in being read to and is mimicing us in a delightful way.  He grounds us.  Our time with him is all about the simple and necessary.  Bigger issues must be put aside.  And that allows us to slowly absorb all that has happened in the last two weeks.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We took our dog in early for boarding, as she is uncomfortable.  We are at the stage of attempting to determine when she is so uncomfortable that she hasn't quality of life.  So far she seems okay, but she is restless at night and we had to give her more medication and then she was woosy.  At least she'll rest completely at the vet and not get overexcited and hurt herself.  But we know now that any day may be the day when the balance shifts and it's time to let her go.  This is happening while we prepare for the wedding and pick up guests, and we need our focus to be on our son.  But we're holding our dog in our hearts at the same time, and are torn.  I'm grateful she has had a long and good life.  She has been a great dog and an important part of our family.  Sigh.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm reading a memoir by Alice Waters that a friend lent me.  I want something far removed from this violent, harmful culture that we live in, and from the senseless deaths in Las Vegas and the impotent posturing in Washington, D.C.  This is about food and the love of creating meals for family and friends, and she is one year older than me, lives in my town and went to my University.  I want a respite from the darker side of humans.  She was an ordinary girl in every way, and she became extraordinary by luck, chance and grit.  I like the stories of ordinary heroes.  There are many all around us, and some them saved others in Las Vegas.  Ordinary is real, good and possible.  We don't need fame and attention like the President seems to, we just do the right thing, big and little, one moment at a time.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm jumpy!  I tend to have the delusion I'm responsible for everyone and everything, so the wedding coming up makes me wonder who wants to see who, what I should suggest and what I can do to facilitate a harmonious event.  Now, I'm not even the bride's mother, but I have the jitters.  I am also feeling this overwhelming need to protect, amplified by the horror in Las Vegas.  I want everyone safe and happy and yet, the world being what it is, darkness is always just on the edge of the horizon.  I remember when our older son married, it was ten days after 9/11, and we debated whether to cancel, or how it would impact travel, etc.  The consensus was to go ahead, and we did, but it was bittersweet.  Yet many guests told me they "needed" this joyful event to counter what had just happened.  Now there is this cloud of hurricanes, earthquakes and human malevolence in the air, yet we will be by the sparkling ocean celebrating two people joining their lives together.  Paradoxical, magical, touching and brave.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

One thing I love about mystery series is how comfortable they can make you feel, like warm toasty slippers on a cold day.  I love the development of the main characters over a series of books, and how there are surprising discoveries even for a character you think you know, partly because no one is totally consistent, and also because it forces you not to become too complacent as a reader.  I finished Louise Penny's new book a month ago, and discovered after all this time, I don't really like her main character, Inspector Gamache.  That's okay, she has a large cast, but something that had been nagging me throughout the books came to the forefront in this one:  he's too rigid, and too bound by a moral standard that seems false or the result of inordinate pride.  He's tender hearted, so I appreciate that quality even more, but he irritates me as well.  And now I'm reading Craig Johnson's newest mystery about Walt Longmire, and all of a sudden, we get a picture of him when he was very young and first married, as well as the present older man thinking of retiring.  It's refreshing, and fleshes out his portrait in ways that expand the character interestingly. 
Well, I suppose in real life the same thing happens.  You think you know a friend, and they surprise you, or your feelings transform as time goes on.  We are not static; we are dynamic, changing beings and must be reckoned with again and again.  In great fiction, the characters are that fully human.