Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was looking through notebooks last night and came upon a note about a dream I had a few weeks ago.  There was a tiny green parrot in my throat and I was singing.  I woke up elated.  I had no idea what it meant, but it felt like a gift.  I wonder if my habit of going with my foster granddaughter to a pet store with lots of exotic birds, which I love to converse with while she looks at rabbits and cats is part of the source.  And perhaps the other is my focus on right speech.  Perhaps I was dreaming that at some point in my practice I will be voicing beauty and joy.  Certainly the parrots and cockatoos and speaking birds in the shop delight me.  I could stand in front of a cage and singsong hello all day.  Or wave to the huge white parrot who waves back at me. 
I know trusting what comes out of my mouth is a work in progress, and requires dilligence.  But there might come a day when I open up my throat with complete confidence that only love and joy and respect for others will express themselves through my utterances.  And the dream is a worthy goal.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

As I was walking our dogs this morning I met a man I've seen before walking his golden retriever and small mutt.  He asked about my female dog's lumps and I explained it was a wait and see situation.  He then stated he was a vet and they were easy and safe to remove.  I thought that over and when he asked me who my vet was I told him and he said he was excellent.  I somehow felt defensive, and volunteered that she had an infection they haven't been able to get rid of and she is on her fourth antibiotic, this one human medicine.  He assured me of course the infection needed to be tackled before any surgery.
He was friendly and meaning to be helpful, yet I was disturbed.  I don't really know anything about him and have no way of trusting his information.  I now feel slightly uneasy about not having removed my dog's larger lumps.  I'm wondering about my own vet's judgment. 
So I'm not sure the man did a good deed in stopping me and speaking about my dog.  I'm assuming he had good intentions, but he offered unasked for advice, and now I will probably question my vet again about the lumps, if the infection ever is eradicated.  No harm in doing so, but until then I'm a bit worried.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had dinner with in-laws last night, and it was friendly and pleasant.  My husband and I have an avoidance plan that when encountered with tricky subjects we say nothing, and the conversation moves on.  Obviously, they have a similar strategy, and we let the young couple guide the topics.  Since we are all thrilled about their pregnancy, and they brought up the subject of names, we had fun saying what names appealed to us and the names we had a bit of trouble with because of associations with people that we didn't get along with.  The whole thing of naming sometimes gets taken too seriously.  My own regret is I didn't name my younger daughter's middle name after my mother, since our younger son has my father's name as his middle name.  I even like my mother's name.  But instead I gave her the middle name of a best friend at the time, who turned out to be totally disinterested in my daughter and never made any effort with her.  That bothered me for a while, but I don't communicate with the friend any more, and my daughter has taken her maiden name as her middle name now, and her last name is that of her husband.  So it all worked out in the end.  My other daughter hated her middle name as a child, then grew to love it as an adult and gave the same middle name to her daughter.  So time changes everything.  And there is always going to court to change your name, if it really matters to you.  I loved my name as a kid and still do, though I took my husband's last name when we married, so my maiden last name got dropped, but still pops up on legal documents and other places. 
My one piece of advice to the expecting couple was to have several names ready and wait and see what you get.  You may see him/her as more one name than the other.  Thank goodness we all agreed no juniors or IIIs.  I believe this baby will get his own special name.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just returned from a little interlude with my baby grandson.  Right speech in his case is repeating his sounds a lot, tone and lots of sing song and singing.  I'm currently partial to singing "Buffalo Gals" because it's so silly and I like the phrase "a danced with a dolly with a hole in her stocking and her knees were a knockin and her feet were a rockin".  He's a wonderful audience and when I play the Mozart cube and have his Jellycat bunny dance he laughs and laughs.  He's definitely a kind critic.  I've never felt so musically skilled.
Last night I took my son and daughter-in-law and grandson out to early dinner - we're talking 5:30 - and we celebrated my daughter-in-law's getting tenure at her elementary school.  It's such a relief and gives so much security for her.  Baby ate a lot of french bread and had a bottle while we had our kir. 
I miss him already, but may go down in a week for one day.  He's just the best conversationalist!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been away only a week but there has been a lot happening, and not just with my family but my friends and relatives.  It's almost too much news, and I feel a bit overwhelmed.  I've somehow missed celebrating my son-in-law's birthday and now we're on to dining with his parents sometime this weekend.  Oh, dear!  I'm going up to stay a couple of nights with my older son, his wife and my grandson, and can't wait to see what tricks he's learned.  I miss my grandkids so much.  Last night I saw my foster granddaughter at her school performing in the chorus.  She had a tiny solo and the chorus was the best ever, and I've been coming for 3 years.  When all the applause was over and she came up to me, I was stunned with how beautiful and grown up she looked.  The times they are a changin!  Next fall she begins junior high.  Oh, me, oh, my!
I am carving out space next week to see my friends and catch up.  We're all experiencing pregnancy of daughters, grandbabies soon to be born, retirement, travel and so much more.  It's an exciting time for us, and our friendships ground us amidst the changes.  They are my lifeline!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just returned from a girlfriend trip and the three of us had a great time.  There are challenges and lots of compromises, but the laughter and fun make up for sleep disturbances and strange bathrooms.  And these kinds of trips allow me to know my friends better and differently.  I've known one friend since we were eight and the other for forty years.  Yet I learned more about each and I also had a feeling sense of who each was right now and what was going on that was unsaid.  It's a gift to have that kind of intimacy, and since both live states away, I intensely absorb what happens when we're together.  How grateful I am to have such friends and how very rich they make my life.
And while I was on the trip my youngest was at a point to reveal her pregnancy, and I got to share the joy with my friends right away.  Last night and this morning, after I returned home, I've been emailing other friends and family with the joyous news.  So I'm a lucky lady, and don't I know it!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I see the same man each Monday morning picking up recycling.  I'm walking the dogs, and he says "Good Morning" and I reply with the same.  This morning he had his son with him, a boy of eight or nine, and the son noticed my dogs and they had a conversation about them.  What circumstances have brought this man and his son to this labor?  They are hard at work stealing recycling from the city, yet I admire them for trying to make ends meet.  What story brought them to my neighborhood?  They wouldn't have to live far away to drive over, for a few streets away in two directions it is dangerous territory.  Perhaps the man picked our area for it's relative safety and the fact that no one confronts him over the recycling.  How would we dare?  And how petty would we have to be to protest ownership of the stuff we throw away?
I don't need to look far to see the inequities in our society and the lack of jobs and dignity for people who want to work, want to show their sons they can labor honestly.  I hope their life turns in a positive direction.  I wish I could manufacture jobs for all these decent people.  I wish them hope and a chance to prove what they are made of.  And I struggle with despair about the election making any difference at all to their lives.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I walked to a movie theater a couple of miles from my house and saw Jodie Foster's new film "Money Monster".  It grabbed me and never let go.  The issue couldn't be more pertinent:Wall Street's gambling with investors' money, without regulation or consequences.  But Forster made her points in a fashion that was accessible and coherent.  Each character was distinctive and the protagonist was easy to empathize with.  I don't know if the release of this movie was calculated or serendipitous.  But it reminds me of "Under Seige", which was released right after 9/11 and not appreciated not because it was irrelevant because it hit too close to home, in a scenario which has Muslims profiled and targeted to the point of interment camps.
This film speaks out about the parts of Wall Street that never got fixed after 2008.  And Saunders is speaking out about this very real threat right now, and to a lesser extent, Clinton.  Even Trump is using fear of rich people's callousness to galvanize the poor and middle class who were so hurt by banks and investment firms who took their money and rolled the dice, then got protected and saved by the U.S. government.  The question is can any of these candidates fix the system?  Saunders is an outsider who is a brand new Democrat, and it's difficult to imagine him orchestrating a coalition with either party, Clinton may not be comfortable being combative, as Obama was not, and Trump hasn't the will or skill to fix what has made him rich.
I hope people see this movie, but I'm not sure it gives the viewer a path for the election.  It would take each voter pressuring their representatives relentlessly to get any legislation passed, and I'm afraid our Congress no longer feels beholden to voters but rather to special interests and their donors.  So I guess the first thing to get fixed is the election money loopholes.  Without that reform, we exert no pressure on Congress at all.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday, in line for checkout at a store, a woman came up behind me and asked me how much the three red pillows I was buying were.  I told her and somehow we began a conversation.  I told her they were more expensive, because they were scotchguarded and I had two very dirty dogs.  She said she had an eight year old granddaughter.  I exclaimed I had an eight year old granddaughter.  She asked where I'd found the pillows and I directed her diagnally across the store to the back in the garden section.  Not the decorator pillows, I warned her, with the outside furniture.  And off she went.
Not a profound conversation.  Yet I felt like we'd made a connection, and if I hadn't been in line and she hadn't needed to find those red pillows, we might have sat down at the coffee place at the front of the store and chatted for hours. 
Sounds silly, but she liked my pillow choice, and I was eager to help, and then we both had those granddaughters and could have gone on and on about them.  I love the random encounter, because it reinforces my belief in the interconnectedness of all of us.  We found common ground.  She brightened my day and made a boring shopping trip interesting.  I had a smile on my face as I left.  And I smiled again last night when I saw those new pillows on my TV room couch. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a conversation with a neighbor up the street when her tiny white fluffy dogs escaped her backyard and beelined for my two.  They were like ants next to my lugs, but the four seemed to enjoy the encounter, and I wondered if she knew a dog a couple of houses up from her had been hit by a car and died.  We have speed bumps on our street, which seem to mainly serve as a challenge to drivers.  Our street is parallel to a main highway and loads of people have discovered the trick of barreling up the street and intersecting with the highway at the end of it.  The fact that the street is narrow and two cars can't pass safely doesn't deter them any more than the speed bumps. 
So I made a tiny connection to a neighbor I'd never seen before, and did a good deed keeping her dogs by me until she made it down the stairs and could grab them.  She thanked me.  A dog rescue effected  not by me as much as my dogs, who attracted enough attention to slow down the jumping bean dogs.  But it was a nice moment.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband has gone up to our cabin for a few days.  It's supposed to be warmer up there than here.  I'm happy enough hanging around home because I have a week's trip coming up with friends.  I'll finish a sewing project, a writing piece, and be sure I'm packed and ready for the trip.  I'll be quiet here, and it will be a mini retreat for me.  Silence is so companionable to me these days.  It feel comfortable rather than awkward, and I don't seem to have information I want to share as often.  The dogs are with me this time, so I can talk to them if I get desperate and there is always the phone or a plan.  I just finished an hour's conversation with my friend, and all's right with the world.
I like organizing the closets and cupboards, and figuring out what books to give away.  I'll work on the refrigerator, an ever present task.  And today I see my therapist, whom I haven't talked to in weeks.  The surprise will be what I talk about.  I never really know until I get there.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night we had dinner with our younger son and his partner.  It was relaxed and pleasant.  They seem so perfect for each other, but I've learned that I really have no idea about my grown kids' lives and their relationships.  My impulse is to want them to marry, because that has been my path.  But there are other options, and I've seen my share of miserable married people, and was one myself in my first marriage, so what do I know?
I don't believe I need affirmation of my lifestyle, so I must really be pretty happy in my own marriage.  This impulse of mine says nothing about our son and everything about me.  I like the compromise you have to buck up to in marriage.  It trained me up for other relationships and for parenthood.  I like hanging in when the going gets tough.  Every relationship goes through cycles and has high points and low points.  I even like the work required when miscommunication occurs and we have to back off and come at the problem from another direction.  I like learning that you can't change the other person.  Waste of time.  So then it occurs to you you can only change yourself, so you set to work on fixing yourself and that is rewarding in spades.
I like commitment and loyalty.  I'm slow as molasses to trust and when I do I'm there for you.  I'm not afraid of commitment, because the opposite is rootlessness and no intimacy.  Jump off the cliff, dive into the ocean and swim like crazy.  That's how you feel truly alive.  But that's just me.  As my Dad used to say, "Whatever floats your boat".

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I spent the afternoon with my youngest child's kindergarten teacher.  She's 87, and curious and spry for any age, and she had found a small art show at an art center in a nearby town and we toddled over there and enjoyed gouashes by David Park.  There was another room of various artists as well and we took our time and then I drove her to a bakery where she had a piece of Tres Leches cake and I had a cafe au lait.  She peppered me with questions about former students who were friends of my daughters, and she expressed a sadness that her oldest grandchild has chosen to go to college on the east coast, and not in an easily accessible place.

So she's coping with a kind of empty nest that grandparents as well as parents face.  My grandchildren are small and that seems far away, plus my oldest granddaughter is already two states away so I've lived with that sadness all along.  But I was grateful I gave her the time and space to express what was happening with her, and listen.  Loss manifests in many ways, some surprising.  I hope the outing cheered her up.  I was glad to be useful and a friend to her.  I learned something as well:  people are never too old to experience loss and battle change.  It's in our nature.  She's fully alive, and I appreciate those strong feelings.  We care, up until the time we die.  Isn't it amazing?

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I didn't lose any weight this week, and though I figured as much, since I weigh myself every morning, I was still hoping for a miracle.  I was also without my buddy, and that made hearing the news harder.  I really can see that I don't need to have a blow out, just a little bit more each day does the trick.  Sabotage by increments.  And exercise won't save me from my food choices.  I appreciate the fact that this weight loss business makes sense.  There is no magic or mystery.  What the program says is true.  I can eat so many points per day, but going over means possibly maintenance but no loss.  It's amazing how unhappy the truth can make me.
I'm at least writing down everything I eat, and not lying to myself.  And I now know that feeling hungry doesn't mean I need to eat.  My body isn't starving, but my mind is going crazy.  What do I do if I don't eat?  Feel the feelings?  Take a walk?  Talk to friends?  Expose myself?  Yep.  This weight loss thing demands honesty, major adjustments to my habits, and ingenuity.  Darn!  And I thought it would be simple!  But, hello, nothing is.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's Mother's Day and despite all the hype and guilt and commercial hoopla, it's still dear to my heart.  So much so that I send a passel of cards to friends.  I've witnessed their courage and skill and deep abiding love for their kids, and i want to honor them.  It's so hard to hold children close and keep them safe and then let them go and forge their own way in the world.  Our love guides us, and our reward is seeing them parenting lovingly and well.  So I'll happily go to brunch with the two kids that are nearby right now and their spouses and my grandson, and be thinking of the two away and their partners and my granddaughter.  What joy they've given me.  I am so grateful.

And for those who don't have someone acknowledging them today, we mothers know you sacrificed and forged ahead even when confused, discouraged, and lonely.  You risked everything to bring another being into this world and for that you are triumphant.  You gave them whatever life alloted to them and your love mixed with fear.  We all know what you did for love.  It cannot be denied.  So take heart and feel blessed that you had this most amazing experience of human beings.  I treasure you all, and I know it wasn't easy.  Treat yourself today to a movie or a new pair of shoes or a cupcake.  Here's to you1

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What does it mean to "speak your mind"?  I'm wondering if that is a good idea.  My mind is messy, and filled with contradictions and old scripts and bits of trivia.  Perhaps Donald Trump speaks his mind, but the rest of us are attempting to exercise caution and hopefully speak from the heart.  If we speak from the heart three things happen: not harming is in the consideration of what to say, compassion tempers our words and there is more room for pausing and listening and not making judgemental statements. 
In Buddhism, we talk of heart-mind.  The head mind carries all the garbage floating around in our brains and in the culture we inhabit.  The heart-mind approaches all communication and connection with love.  The heart-mind is quieter, non-aggressive and not engaging in fantasies of dualistic thinking.  Nothing is black and white in the heart-mind and nothing separates us from our fellow beings.  We are all human, and all the possibilities of humanity are inside each of us.  We acknowledge that fact and move on to right action and right speech, with the goal of inclusiveness not divisiveness.
I dread a lot of "mind speaking" in this election year.  I won't participate, but it will permeate our culture.  I hope others will double their efforts to stay centered in their heart-minds, and weather this blizzard of supposed "straight talk".  I've got my earmuffs on and will huddle in the warmth of the dharma to keep protected and compassionate.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My foster granddaughter had a plan yesterday and I went along with it:  to make cupcakes.  We walked to the store and bought ingredients, as she had downloaded the recipes already.  Then she began and she wanted to do it all herself.  We got to the raspberry filling and she didn't like the taste.  I stayed out of it as she added sugar and declared she hated the taste of the cornstarch.  Then she rushed the icing, putting all the ingredients in at once, when the whipping cream was supposed to come later,  and it looked like a lumpy mess and she wanted to throw it out and start over.  I reassured her it was fixable, and part of the problem was she only added half the powdered sugar.  I explained that cooking was chemistry and messing around with the proportions would be a disaster.  She reluctantly added more sugar.  Still dissatisfied she wanted to start over and I vetoed that, saying it was too much a waste of food.  Eventually the icing looked good and we didn't even have to add more whipping cream.  When we took the cupcakes out of the oven, one batch was burned on the bottom, but I wouldn't let her throw them out.  I showed her how to cut off the bottoms with a bread knife.  She threw a few cupcakes away while I wasn't looking, but I ignored it.  Eventually, she filled them, iced them and decorated them and placed them in a plastic container to take home.

Next time I'm tackling cleanup while she's around.  She conveniently ignored that mess.  But this time my patience encouraged hers, and my not wanting to waste food stopped her from throwing a lot of stuff into the sink.  I kept my voice for encouraging logical consequences.  I refused to go get another cake mix, so she had to "fix" the burnt cupcakes, and I salvaged some of the filling and froze two containers of icing.  I hope she registered my determination not to waste food.  She needs to learn to take her time and be careful, but she watches shows that make cooking look quick and easy, with no mistakes.  She needs to slow down.  Whether she will or not is to be seen.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm on my own for a couple of days, as my husband has gone to the cabin.  I like the break.  I don't have to plan meals or get back at a certain time or call.  I like wandering the house without encountering him or the dogs.  I talked to him after he got up there and he didn't have any news.  Of course you don't have any news, I replied.  Neither do I.  We just saw each other three hours ago.  He likes me being around constantly, so I feel like a rat, but I like my space.  After all, I had four kids and  no privacy most of my life.  So I'm due a bit now.  I'd also like to not talk the time he's away, but I'm too soft hearted to do that to him.

None of this can be said.  Or rather it need not be, as he knows I like a break from him, and why rub it in?  He's got some sentimental idea of two joined at the hip.  He doesn't actually do much with me when he's home, it's just the IDEA of me being upstairs or out in the studio that comforts him as he does a puzzle or looks at his laptop.  We coexist beautifully, but I need the trip I just took and the one coming up in a couple of weeks. 

It works.  Because I know he knows and he knows I know what he wishes and we live pragmatically with being the odd couple.  But I often feel a tinge of guilt, and maybe, just maybe, he enjoys my time away as much I do when he's gone.  But he won't admit it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had one of those random conversations with a stranger that was most pleasant.  I was looking for Mother's Day gifts, and the store I was aiming for was closed, so I wandered into a shoe store and came out with a pair of tennis shoes for me, but still nothing for gifts.  I stood outside a store with miscellaneous stuff, but it made my mind jumble, then strolled down the street to a lingerie shop that had a sale rack outside.  I picked through it and found pjs for one gift, then decided to go for it and picked another set.  When I went inside the clerk offered to wrap the gifts, and that thrilled me.  No stop for gift bags.  We got to talking about, well, yes, underwear, a subject on which I found I had strong opinions.  I also described the tastes of the gift recipients, and she offered her views on underwear and took me back in the store to show me her favorite pjs.  She was probably in her early thirties, and I felt a motherly connection to her, as she was the age of my younger daughter. 

I watched her wrap, completely focused on her skill and the way she had precut ribbons for each box at the beginning of the day for just such a need, and therefore was as swift as a fairy.  I deeply appreciated that skill.  I do not have the ability to wrap well, and I do admire those who do.  It was as if she was giving me a mini vacation from buying wrap and executing it.  I thanked her profusely.

What a nice encounter, and though the talk was not of politics or the world situation, it was of the sublimely ordinary, and over it, we became visible to each other.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I watched the President's speech at the Press Corp annual dinner, and I was struck by how poised and balanced he has become.  He joked, but very carefully, and he made certain a lot of the jokes were at his own expense.  He had the right amount of dry deadpan delivery, and he took his time.  There were a lot of pauses between vignettes.  He has become a measured man, and that suits a President.  Eight years have both lightened him up and given him gravitas.

We all hope the burdens of adulthood will garner us wisdom and circumspection.  But we see in the media many an elderly statesman without either.  No guarantees.  But Obama has learned.  I am not privy to exactly what he's learned, but the change is apparent.  Perhaps he thought he'd change America, and history will tell that tale, but HE has changed.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it looks like for the better.  I believe there it is a good bet that he will be treasured and missed after he's retired.  I'm thinking his legacy is assured.  And his measured speech is what I'd name first.