Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Not only did I survive babysitting the two grandsons overnight, but all went smoothly. I got the older one to bed easily, and the younger one was already in his crib when his parents left. They slept until 6:45 am, and we had a breakfast of scrambled eggs and chocolate croissants. They bungled around until my husband came at ten, then we bundled them in the car and went to Little Farm to feed the pigs, cows, ducks, geese, chickens, and sheep. The rabbits cannot be fed but they may be admired. We found a picnic table on the grass and the boys had their lunches. A tree next to us had been fixed up like a fort, with branches making a hideout, and the boys found more branches and played happily for many minutes. Then we came home, and I put the younger in for his nap, and the older and my husband watched a kids' show about dragons. Then the older had quiet time for 30 minutes, and I only had to go in the room about three times to tell him to quiet down. Grandpa helped the older one assemble a toy I'd gotten him, and when the younger woke up they snacked then we went in their back yard where they managed to drag every toy out on the small lawn and destroy two boxes as a fort. We observed and kept them from climbing the back stairs to get to the upper deck. Soon their parents arrived and brought candy, which delighted us all. My husband received taffy, I got sugarfree chocolate almonds and the boys gummy sugary somethings that were colorful. Then we said goodbye, pleased that we had facilitated the parents getting away for their anniversary, and proved that we could keep their children alive and happy, at least for 24 hours. Back at home we made BLTs and watched "Bull Durham" and sighed with relief that it was R rated. Returned safely from toddlerland.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going to babysit tonight for my daughter's two boys, and I'm nervous. I had developed a comfortable relationship with the older one, now five, and he had stayed with us while his parents went to Hawaii for a wedding, and also when his brother was born for a few days. But then Covid hit, and he's never spent an overnight again, and has become clingy with his parents. He always had trouble with his parents when he was dropped off for preschool, but everything has been exaserbated by the pandemic. He has no real memory of staying with us, and the enticement of treats or DVDs or Fairyland and other fun places has waned. It could be a rough night, but I'm willing to risk it because he needs to get comfortable being away from his parents occasionally. The just turned two year old may have trouble as well, but he's got a studier temperment and is at a better age for distraction. It's my daughter's wedding anniversary, and she needs a break and so does her husband. We talked on the phone last night about them going out at least one night every other week, and I've been babysitting that way once in a while. I had such fun with my foster granddaughter then my granddaughter, and last September we babysit for our oldest grandson, and he was wonderful about it. But these two little boys have been shaken up more than seems apparent by the pandemic, and the anxiety coursing through everyone they encounter. Our third oldest grandson has not stayed overnight because he's two states away and we will only see him probably twice a year. But he has his mother's family up there to stay with and probably already has. But these two a couple of miles away are needing help from us. Wish me luck!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This afternoon I've been listening to Mozart's Don Giovanni. I love the blended voices and switches in tempo and tone. I'm reading Louise Erdrich's "The Sentence" which is delightful. It's lighter and more joyful than anything else of hers I've read. My Buddhist buddy recomended it to me, though I'd already bought it. But I've waited a while to begin it. It's set in and around a bookstore, in fact, Louise's bookstore. I once wrote a novel where the main character owned a bookstore, and I loved the fantasy of it. I tried to buy a bookstore when I first moved back here, a feminist one, but it was too far in debt and the women themelves discouraged it. The location wasn't great either. But part of me wishes I'd at least tried. Later some women friends bought another bookstore close to me and made it into a welcoming, energetic place. It has a combination of books, gifts and plants. They just retired and sold it to a nice couple, who are doing right by the place. I tried to buy tons of books during the pandemic and they expressed their appreciation. It's like a home away from home for me. I'm so lucky: I can walk to five independent bookstores from my house. I feel surrounded by the comfort of it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was a young teenager when Chekoslovakia was invaded, and people kept hoping someone would stop Russia. Now the Ukraine. No one will stop them now either. There is posturing, but nothing more. I am so sorry for those people who will suffer and die. It seems calculated that Putin would act aggressively while the world reels from a pandemic, and the state of panic and chaos is widespread. He has been encouraged by Trump as well, as though the deception perpertrated during our last election proved to Putin that he could get away with anything. He has chosen a time when Americans are relieved to be out of Afganistan, and weary, and feel hopeless about defending people in other countries. We didn't manage to help in Syria, and the Arab Spring is long dissolved. We've lost faith in ourselves and we bicker about who and what we represent as a nation. Putin has read us well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a little swoosh of rain last night early evening. At least it watered the plants. It had been over forty days of no rain. The Sierras are getting some snow, which is helpful, because it's snowpack that counts. I've lived where it rains all the time (Fiji) and growing up in states with enough rain, as well as seven years in Colorado, which was not in drought at the time, and I'm familiar with the cycles of rain and drought in California, but this drought is the longest in 1200 years. Everyone is conscious of it and worried. Fire is our fear, but even this time of year animals are suffering, trees are dying and the west is parched. One billion trees died in the last few years. Moving from Virginia to California as a kid what amazed me was the size of the trees here and how the forests were vast and primeval. Going back to the east coast on visits, the "woods" seemed almost toy, and the lakes surburban compared to here. We are losing something precious. We are the new Anatazi, and may be driven from our homes as they were a thousand years ago. Humans have always been at the mercy of nature and now they are destroying nature out of inability to look ahead and protect what we have. I'm pretty deeply disillusioned by our species right now, and our lack of concern for future generations. I want my grandchildren and others to have the gift of nature and the health it provides all of us.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

One of the most challenging aspects to Buddhism for many people is the concept of NoSelf. I now realize for me it was one of the concepts that I quickly intuitively embraced. Why? I've been wondering. I think moving as a child made me pose in order to "fit in" and have friends. I kept my thoughts to myself and strove to be the clown and life of the party. When people bullied me I buried my nurt inside and on the surface made friends with those kids. When my father was working in the south, we were coached not to protest when we saw racism but to keep our mouths shut. My father was integrating plants and there were threats and he wanted to protect us. So I sat silent through Confederate flags, women having black women do all their work for them while my mother did her own work, and people discouraging us from interacting with Blacks. When we were in Calilfornia, a whole other shift occured, and I missed my friends in Virginia, but felt comfortable with the politics here. So I know I was shy/showoffy, funny/sad, smart/dumb, flirty/judgemental. I was whatever I felt I needed to be at the moment. My family never talked about feelings, so I was a mystery to myself and they were inscruitable to me. But I did know I wanted to be good and kind - I felt I had a Buddha nature, and that was my core: to treat others with kindness and myself as well. The rest, well, I wasn't KNOWN to others or even myself. When I think of my daughter who died, she appears so complex, that any descrption does not do her justice - it becomes a reduction and simplification of her complexity. I learned things about her during her dying and after her death I'd never known, just as after my parents died I learned crucial facts about their lives I hadn't known. They died young, like my daughter, so maybe there would have been revelations later, but really, who they were is mostly unknown to me. And who I am is also complex and contradictory and unexplainable. But our true nature, that I know. My parents loved us and tried their best. My daughter loved all her family and struggled with her feelings and associations around us. Her heart was noble, as was my parents' and brothers'. That is all that matters.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had our women's group this morning, and I could immediately tell how much more trust there is among us. We really share what is in our hearts these days, and feel confident that the feedback we receive is going to be sensitive and supportive. I feel close to everyone and it was hard for all of us to leave. I walked back home with a member of the group who lives on my street and we ended up talking for an hour outside my house in the cold. We could have gone on all day and night. I've known this woman since I moved here and our kids were best buddies in preschool. We met each other in Munich once, went on night cruises on a lake at Christmas to sing carols, attended each other's kids' weddings and admire each other's grandchildren. She, like me, has a friend who is undergoing treatment for metasized breast cancer whom she tries to support. She lost her husband to cancer, and I lost my daughter. We are linked by history and inclination. I am so grateful for these long friendships and how I can count on these women to be there for me whenever I need it.