Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My thinking is getting skewered because of worry about our daughter.  Today the next door neighbor had a hot tub put in and used our steps to have the people carry it up.  I snapped at one guy because he was coming through our gate.  I told him they weren't supposed to be in that area.  It turns out he was just handing flats up to the others.  Our sun room is right there and on that side it's a wall of glass.  Also the two big trucks were covering our driveway.  Any little thing shakes me.  I need to be careful I don't act unkindly to others because I'm stressed.  I see some anger in myself.  Anger that our daughter has this disease and has to go through these treatments.  A sense of unfairness arises, even though I know disease isn't fair.  Why her?  These thoughts are not helpful to me or her.  So I want to monitor my thinking and be sure I'm responding not being reactive.  My mind and behavior will have a negative impact if I don't watch it.  I need my heart generosity to be active, and keep with "Don't know".  Let me be especially kind right now.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went with my younger daughter, son-in-law, grandson, and other grandparents, my brand new daughter-in-law and their dog (dressed as batman) to a little Halloween parade nearby, and it was sweet seeing the tiny ones all dressed up as zebras, princesses, Dory, unicorns etc.  Our little guy was Curious George, and his daddy was the man in the yellow hat.  Our daughter was a banana.  I wore a hat that was a birthday cake with candles, and the the kids seemed to love it.  I got it from my brother many years ago.  Children love transformation, and pretending to be something or someone else is magical to them.  Halloween is my favorite holiday:  no presents to buy, scary and joyful, visiting neighbors and giving the gift of candy as they brave ringing the doorbell.  It's simple and really focused on children, unlike most of the other holidays, which can get exhausting, greedy, and cost an arm and a leg.  I'll miss the actual night, so this was a treat for me!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night I felt numb with despair.  Part of me knew my daughter will survive, but last night I wanted more.  I wanted her to not have pain or terror or interruption of her life.  I felt greedy.  I thought I should call my friend, but I was too dark to speak to anyone.  Today I am packing up for our trip to our daughter, and kept myself busy all morning with that and laundry.  I am reading the Chernov biography of Ulysees S. Grant, and his trials and tribulations remind me we can do great things with the tools and limitations we have.  He struggled, and he was kind and brave and determined.  People's lives are messy, and full of setbacks, hardships and challenges.  Otherwise, we'd be cows, and then we'd be hamburger, so really there is not a lot of choice.  Being human means suffering.  The trick is to avoid as much as possible blinding ourselves to the beautiful moments in amongst the suffering.  Birds are singing, squirrels are digging holes in my succulents, I'm feeling the joy of walking without my knee being sore.  It's ALL happening.  And it is for my daughter as well and my granddaughter.  They are not diminished by this challenge.  They are not less.  They are stronger and more appreciative and more loving and kinder.  It's not easy, but it's rich, this life we are given.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter will begin brain radiation, perhaps today.  So much sudden shock and now galvanizing ourselves for this big fight.  We have the prayers of many friends and family, and she will do this, I know.  But the cost is high, and as her mother I hate that she has to pay it.  She will do it not only for herself but her daughter.  I'm going to be praying that a new treatment will give her lots more time and I know many good people are passionate about curing this disease.  I've been going to breast cancer symposiums with a friend who is a breast cancer survivor for four years, and a lot of people care.  I have friends who are long term survivors.  I've witnessed and supported many.  Now it's my turn to accept support from my friends.  I am deeply grateful for their love.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our daughter received more bad news about tests, and we cried.  But we are fighting.  She is going to get a treatment that works and keeps her life rich and rewarding, as it is now.  She is a warrior.  I have to be a warrior as well.  We want to be strong for her and our granddaughter, and fight for the future and treasure every moment along the way.  I have no more to say.  I am in battle mode.  We will get the help she needs and the care she deserves. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I believe a lot of people have been pausing in sadness to now witness the "Me, too" phenomenon and reflect back on the public's and Congress' treatment of Anita Hill.  She gave right speech and right witness, and was rejected and reviled for it.  Is there any clearer statement of lack of support for women?  The man she accused is on the United States Supreme Court.  So many of us believed her back then and yet a woman's word against a man's is seldom supported.  She was humiliated.  And not because men don't do those things but because we somehow don't think their actions are important or impactful.  We now have right speech in numbers, but even during those hearings there were other women at the ready to corroborate her testimony, but they weren't called.  A dozen women, a hundred, a thousand cannot stand against a man of power and connections.  What are we showing our daughters and granddaughters?  That right speech in the mouths of women is not heard?  Will "Me, too" change anything?  I wonder.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I took a walk around a nearby reservoir this morning, and we felt pretty good after.  My husband stopped going when our two dogs got old, and I worry about him not getting enough exercise, so I thought I was encouraging him.  But with my walking sticks I made it around fine, and proved I could do heartier walking myself, and what better place than where there is blue water and birds to admire?  Why haven't I done this myself was the question I came away with.  I think I lost confidence with all my knee and hip aches and pains, and thought I was more delicate than I actually am.  Now I want to go every morning out there or somewhere, and get my fitness level up.  Pushing the stroller for the grandson has helped in a subtle way, and he keeps me active.  I don't want to lose mobility, and if I put matter over mind, I can enjoy these fall days and the boost the walking provides.  So I guess I wasn't fixing my husband after all, I was fixing myself.