Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I have a dilema with a cousin of mine.  I had not seen or spoken to her since childhood, except for seeing her at a wedding twelve or more years ago.  She lives in the midwest, and our paths never crossed.  When my brother died she sent a kind note.  Then she called and soon she wanted to tell me all of her and her husband's troubles.  I thought I'd done a sensitive job of discouraging her.  But in her holiday card she brings up the health issues of her and her husband again and says she's going to call.  I don't know if this is lack of boundaries, lonliness or hope that I will help them monetarily.  It feels icky and inappropriate, and though I stayed with her family a couple of times when my mother, brother and I visited, mainly I stayed with another cousin or her mother, my aunt.  There is no intimacy to rekindle.

I know people when they get older look people up, get very sentimental, and want to "friend" people, but I'm much more private than that.  I'm not on Facebook, because I don't want to  have to respond to people I went to school with 50 years ago and read about their lives.  I want a REAL connection or none.  If that makes me a Luddite or stuffy, so be it.  This cousin has been whining to me when supposedly she was offering me sympathy at the loss of her brother.  I don't feel supported; I feel beleagured.  What to say?  Again, I will express my sympathy while offering nothing beyond it.  I am not going to write her a check, or visit, or extend myself.  I have plenty of cousins, and keep in contact with the two who've been there for me at every turn.  But this cousin is a stranger, and I feel there is nothing to build on. 

But restraining myself to formal politeness feels awful as well.  I'm pushed into a corner, and she gives me no leeway.  It's challenging.  I feel like all I can really do is pray for her children or sister or brother to aid her.  I feel guilty.  But I cannot feel what I don't feel:  any responsibility.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I called my dear cousin today.  I hadn't called in a couple of years.  I learned a wonderful thing by doing so:  my brother had written to her occasionally up until the time he stopped communicating with me.  So he had reached out to someone in the family besides myself.  That touches me.  I also reaffirmed my love for her and on the same day she had been to the funeral of a dear friend of hers.  Did I instinctively know to comfort her?  It's mysterious.  We caught up about our children and grandchildren and reminisced about her mother, whom I adored and my parents who were so good to her.  Both of us know one of us may die before we speak again, and we expressed our love and gratitude for each other.

It was so easy.  Even the part about talking about my brother's death.  My cousin is a truly beautiful soul.  It's been and still is a privilege to know her.  I'm so glad I reached out.  This holiday season is good for the impulse to reach out.  To say the things we often only think about but don't express.  We want to face the new year and it's challenges by clearing up the undone soul tasks of the old year.  I feel lighter and happier for having done so.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Negotiating how much to say about my kids to each other is challenging.  I don't want to betray confidences or criticize.  My default position is to listen and not comment, yet I find myself explaining or defending the subject if I'm not careful.  Normal worry or noticing something seems okay to discuss.  But sometimes I know more and other times less.  What about "filling in".  Tricky territory.

I had a fun time today with my daughter, but I was more silent than usual because I didn't feel comfortable about certain subjects, either because I didn't trust myself or I didn't want to worry her.  This second guessing is a bad habit of mine.  My caretaker mode goes into hyper drive and I get delusions of power.  I think I "know" things.  Very dangerous territory for me.  I'm better off being curious about another's "take" on a situation.  Then I learn something.  But what contortions I go through at times to get to that place of being open and curious.  I often begin from old stale thoughts that are really only suppositions. 

I at least know some of my own mind patterns and try to counter them quickly.  And that is the degree of progress I've gotten to at this point.  And I ain't no spring chicken!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our family is disinclined to hyperbole, and reticent about flattery.  One of our son-in-laws is effusive in his compliments,  often speaking of his "beautiful wife" and the genius of his sons and his own accomplishments.  It rubs me the wrong way, but what annoys you should be examined, and I was doing that yesterday.  Why should it bother me?  Because it's not "our" way of speaking?  He has every right to his own flowery speech, and it doesn't harm anyone.  My impulse when someone goes on and on is to doubt the authenticity of the speech.  But why?  It's not fair to him.

So I'm thinking he has something to teach the rest of the family about speaking emotionally and complimenting others.  I'm excellent at thanking people for their help and efforts and concerns.  That's my strong point.  But he does that very well.  So it comes down to difference in style, not substance, and perhaps I could be more enthusiastic, and take a page from his book.  Judgment comes up mainly because my family didn't "toot their own horn" or over praise.  He has a right to his own expression, and I intend to be open minded about it and even, just possibly, learn something.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A week of parties and the kids and grandkids and sheer joy.  The right speech aura was upon us.  Only the seven year old had a few slip ups, and that is to be expected.  The boys are older and wiser about what they say.  They have good manners.  I felt like this was the best Christmas ever, as we are all making such an effort to get along and compromise and accommodate.  I hope my efforts the last few years have subtly caused a change in atmosphere, and my husband has been working on keeping his negative thoughts to himself.  It all shows in good cheer and feelings of love and belonging.

Now I'm kind of all talked out and want to read, go to the movies and relax.  But I'm so grateful that the week went well, and it sends a glow on into the new year.  I'm at peace.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been cooking all day for our holiday party tomorrow.  Eventually, almost everyone rsvped, which is good.  We are having a herd, so I made a second trifle and lots of small rotis.  Tomorrow is the big cookout, and others will be beside me working, but today was quiet and I listened to CDs of Christmas music, which I love.  The anxiety of the party has dissolved, and now I'm in a state of happy anticipation.  My older daughter, her husband and their three children will arrive, which is part of the anticipation.  The party means friendship to me, and I value my friends so very much.  This is what I do to express my gratitude.  My son, who has been co-hosting with me for the last few years, is clearly of the same mindset, and he stablizes me and makes the whole planning thing fun and interesting. 

I attempt to have all the food ready before guests arrive, so I can chat with people and admire the small children of my son's friends.  I love seeing the awe at the tree, and my snow globes are a big hit with the little ones.  I love it that this year all four of our kids will be here with their spouses and children.  It's special.

So right now, the Christmas songs are right speech for me, talking of love and peace and joy.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A friend and I were discussing the Dalai Lama turning 80, and that he has said he will be the last, and the office will not be passed on.  She was upset, and I understand her grief, but I feel when I hear him say this, it is a lesson in how everything changes.  The Chinese have torn out the Tibetan culture by the roots and inserted Han Chinese in its place.  They may also pick their own heir as Dalai Lama, as they have with other Lamas, so the tradition is sabotaged and corrupted.  Tibetans have had to adjust to new lands and cultures, and it looks like there is no going back in the foreseeable future.  We all must adapt to change, and hope a new path for the dharma is born.

Change is the one constant.  When we trust that truth, and speak it, we aid people in seeing what is so.  Everything is evolving and transforming, including us.  But each time something dies something new is born.  Last year my brother died and my grandson was born.  I felt both deeply.  I will not be around for most of my grandson's life, but he exists, as do my other grandchildren, and I take comfort in them and the cycle of life.  This is what humanity is.  We can fiddle with this and that and pretend we have control over our lives, or we can enjoy our brief time upon this beautiful earth and treasure its gifts.