Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just sent an email gently refusing a lovely offer of a party for my birthday.  The problem is I've imposed upon people this year for a wedding shower, baby shower, wedding, and been to another wedding party.  I'm all partied out.  I hope the person understands that I appreciate the thought, but am not up for more parties.  Also, I'm on call for the baby coming, and it could happen any time now.  A friend's grandson was just born a month early.  So all plans need to be fluid. 

I really considered my words carefully, and hope she understands.  This is such tricky business, but I'd been thinking for many months what I wanted to do for my birthday, and a big party was too deja vu.  I'm lucky, as my kids have a two night getaway planned and that sounds wonderful, but will be 10 adults plus 3 kids, so that qualifies as party group right there. 

In the past, I would not have had the nerve to say no.  I'd be so afraid of hurting a friend's feelings, and go through with something I did not want just because it was such a nice offer.  I'm a lot more honest than I used to be.  I still don't wish to hurt anyone else, but I'm kinder to myself as well.  Gee, it almost feels like I'm getting to be a grownup!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm back from a visit to my older son and his wife, who are one month away from their baby due date.  I felt my daughter-in-law was very tactful about wanting a doula instead of either her mother or I.  I supported her, because my mother was never present at any of my births, and both mother-in-laws were uninvolved completely.  The minute I came home from the hospital I wanted my mother right there, and that is what my daughter-in-law is doing.  I'm taking the shift until a certain date, then her mother flies out for three weeks.  After that I'm sure I'll be there to help out whenever asked. 

My daughter-in-law is very calm and collected, and she will be great through the labor and delivery, especially with the doula right with her.  I appreciate the way she thinks of my feelings and includes me in the preparations.  We shopped for slippers for the hospital, the baby list from the medical people, and chatted a bit about being fluid about what kind of birth or medication she wants.  She knows anything can happen, and is not rigid about scenarios.  While we were talking a friend who's son and daughter-in-law were due at the same time called and her blood pressure had spiked and they did an emergency C section.  Mother and baby are fine, and he's still 5lbs 10 oz even though he's a month early.  So we had an object lesson in flexibility first hand.

I'm touched to be a part of this process of life giving and new family.  I hope my support is helpful and well chosen.  I want to be the best mother-in-law I can be.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was saying to someone the other day that writing a blog about right speech has turned out to be ironic for me.  It's more about what I don't say, silence, a lot of the time.  When I went for a walk with my friend who cancels on me frequently, we avoided the topic of our tiff.  I felt I'd said all I wanted to say in the emails, and luckily, she seemed to feel the same.  Neither of us attempted to persuade the other to her point of view.  We let the peace of respecting each other's feelings alone.  Now that doesn't mean there isn't a subtext from now on:  I will be wary of plans and also feel freer to cancel if I wish and I imagine she will not cancel unless she has a better reason than something more interesting coming up.  She may also be kinder to herself by not overbooking herself into a corner.

So we've learned some things.  We each have stories about the other, and we got a little wake up call.  We are not Mutt and Jeff.  Our decisions are reached differently because we are not very much alike.  That's fine, as long as I don't assume she's one thing or the other.  She's complicated, and has some qualities that are difficult, as do I.  She is a person who needs others to clarify their boundaries, as hers are looser.  I'm a person who is cautious and careful with others, and maybe I'd rather be more carefree, but given my history, I have to have my boundaries and don't want anyone stepping over them.  Nothing's bad or good, just the way we're built.

The opportunity presented by our tiff is getting back to specifics, not general projections and convenient "stories" that don't really fit us.  Now I know again she has a temper when someone says stop, and I need to say stop occasionally, as she will sometimes be trying to push beyond what I'm comfortable with.  No right or wrong.  Just who we are.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm still itchy, and no sure whether to be patient or call the doctor back and ask.  I'm much better, but I'd like some reassurance, but that wars with my feeling embarassed about maybe being seen as a big fat baby, and I can't make up my mind.  Be an idiot and call or worry.  Hummm.  It's a tough choice.

Why is it so hard for me to call the doctor?  It could be my stoic upbringing:  no whining no sympathy.  It could be paranoia about my health, as I have plenty of that to go around.  It could be needing more sympathy than I get, as my husband is not a nurturing sort of guy.  He tends to be pretty self absorbed unless you wave flags or get angry. 

It's just an ity bitty phone call.  Will I do it?  Evidently not until I agonize some more.  After all, that's my M.O.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I could have used a little right speech a few minutes ago, when the mother of my foster granddaughter casually asked in an email if I was picking the child up from school today.  I replied that no one had asked me or said anything, and it's only about three hours until she should be picked up.  I'm old fashioned:  I like to be asked far enough ahead to plan and adjust.  I'm response will no doubt elicit an apology, but I am annoyed.  Of course, I will pick up my granddaughter.

I understand how busy the mom is, as she is a teacher in another school district, and has a preschooler as well.  I understand.  But she is not understanding me at all.  The truth is, I think she forgot until she got to her school this morning.  I am Dependable Doting Grandmother.  But sometimes I'd like her to imagine I have a life myself, and friends and appointments and I value my time.  What a concept!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Lots of dramatic speech yesterday, when stocks plummeted before our very eyes.  Today, the headline in the newspaper screamed:  "Down, Down, Down".  I managed to stay relatively calm, but succumbed to calling my investment advisor in the afternoon.  She said all the things I knew she would say, but I felt better hearing them anyway.  A better headline would have been "Fear, Fear, Fear".  Everybody said a correction was coming, but the same everybody was somehow surprised.  Wishful thinking is so prevalent in humans that it supercedes rationality or reliable information.

We got scared.  We don't want change, unless its for the better.  Life is about change.  But it's equally about our resisting it.  We desire the false sense of security.  We're attracted to those who promise what cannot ever be delivered.  Perhaps that explains Trump's allure to certain people.  He's going to turn back the clock.  He has so much money he must be right.  Let's target people to blame, rather than face our fears and adjust to current reality.

And the irony of all the people who have no stock to protect.  They haven't gambled, yet are dependent on those who do for their jobs and way of life.  I wish wall street wasn't Las Vegas East, but it is.  Brokers belong in gamblers anonymous.  The buzz of the risk hurts the rest of us.  Yet again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I dropped by my friend's house this morning with a dozen yellow roses to cheer her up.  She fell on her own stairs and has two black eyes and a huge bump on her forehead.  She describes herself as looking like a raccoon.  We chatted for an hour and laughed a lot.  She talked about getting cabin fever, and I've been feeling that way myself.  I like to think I can go somewhere even if I have nowhere to go.  The real elephant in the room is aging.  We've both fallen, been ill and worry about shingles and other dreaded signs of old age.  Luckily, we're in the same boat.  We're able to speak of our fears, share information and garner support.  But some days it's hard.  Yellow roses help, but not enough.

I have friends further along this path than myself.  I see how well they cope with disabilities, loss of spouses, the restriction of their activities.  They are my guides.  They remind me I am not less because I'm older, not less interesting, less valuable in their take on our lives, not less fun because we aren't hiking the mountaintops.  We're adjusting.  Gently, kindly and with great compassion for each other and the world.