Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, upon further clarification, namely that I got to speak to the physician's assistant who normally sees me for skin cancer issues, I feel reassured that the procedure can wait until the end of March, and my chances for M developing are 20%, since the lesion isn't big.  So heck, my chances are good.  Now I can relax more.  I told the PA that the office person had been a bit too vague, and thrown the decision about having the procedure sooner back on me, which disconcerted me.  So I spoke up for myself and a clumsy process of revealing biopsy results, and yet did it in a non-judgmental and kindly manner.  But what really helped was my husband getting on the phone and explaining I was worried and unclear after speaking to them.  Hooray for deep voices!

Right speech in biopsy results reporting is clearly very, very important. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Bad news yesterday about my skin cancer.  It's not surface and will need surgery, so I was low.  I might have handled it better if a doctor had called instead of a technician, but who knows?  She was not the most skillful and mentioned the M word, and then couldn't book me until the last day in March.  When I asked if that was okay, she threw the decision back at me, and then, when I said "How do I know what is best?" she said she'd ask the doctor and get back to me.  Which she has not of yet. 
Luckily, I called my dear friend and she left a voice mail that reassured me, and I did what I've been practicing for:  I enjoyed moment by moment the rest of the day.  We went on a walk and then my Irish relative and I shopped at REI, which she worships.
I told my relative and husband I was going to take a few moments to feel sorry for myself, and then I'd be ready to roll, and I was.  I'm grateful I was not alone when I got the call, and had my backup band.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The seating plan for a wedding is to facilitate right speech, or happy speech, or friendly speech.  Those figuring out the seating plan are attempting to orchestrate engagement and inclusion in the event.  It's a tough challenge, and you can't really control people having a good time or not.  But we try.  Our family is hoping for the two families to meet and learn about each other, and that, basically, everyone will feel comfortable and have someone to talk to.  This takes a lot of luck, and in the end, a letting go.

Only one guest has so far demanded to be seating next to a friend.  Each set of parents has made suggestions, but, at least on our side, we're trusting the bride, since she is our daughter.  We know that her primary concern is to keep us happy but to really, really keep her friends happy.  Since my husband and I plan to roam all the tables and talk to as many people as possible, we will keep an eye out for anyone who seems bored or lonely.  But we also be pulled many directions, so we'll just do the best we can.  Being forgiving of oneself is essential in a situation where 100 people need attention.

I'm trusting the joy of the occasion puts people in a right speech frame of mind.  I feel that will aid me in my quest to be mother protector of the universe.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our relative from Ireland has arrived, and I realized that right accent is a key to right speech!  I could listen to her saying anything and be enthralled and delighted.  Her voice has that lyrical quality, and a lilting softness that is so pleasant to the ear.  But that also reminds me that tone is awfully important.  If we are conscious enough we can modulate our voices to be more soothing, less threatening, and therefore easier to listen to the content of the speech.  I do this every day with my dogs, and yet I forget I have this ability when it comes to humans.  It takes extra effort, but it's worth it.  I did it when I read to my children, because I wanted to engage them in the reading process.  It's a skill in my toolbox I sometimes forget about.  Now if only I could get the Irish accent down!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I argued early this morning, about money, what else?  Even after four decades of marriage, sometimes we need a mediator.  We need a Jimminy Cricket like creature in the closet, for emergencies.  Luckily, we usually back down, take a time out and revisit the issue later, but I wish this dance was not necessary.  I feel like my Buddhist training helps me see what is patterning and old stuff rising to the surface, but my husband doesn't have those skills, and he feels at the time that he must speak right then, in the heat of emotion.  I try to hear him out, respond and then postpone any decision.  But I then have to live with what he's said in anger, and it's disturbing.  Even in a good marriage, sometimes there is no resolution totally agreeable to both people.  Because we don't always change our minds, there are bottom lines for each, and even with a mediator on call, not everything will get resolved.

I'm more sanguine these days about such disagreements because I am more realistic about how partners negotiate and compromise.  There is no platonic ideal.  There are just two people doing the best they can who have different histories and some priorities that are in opposition and  distinct personalities.  There's no good and bad, just all that vast, skylike gray area.  We float in it trying not to bump into each other in a harmful way.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My daughter and I got a lot more done yesterday, and the only part bothering me is the florist.  He won't send the bill.  Probably he thinks he's being tactful or something, but it makes me afraid he won't show up.  He's actually stressing me out.  When my daughter contacts him he says it's in the mail this week, but that has been happening for several weeks.  Sometimes right speech is just communicating to people what you're doing and why.  Ever since my therapist told me about her son's wedding, when the florist turned out to be a drug addict and flaked, and the family was making bouquets in their back yard the day of the wedding, I've been haunted by that image.  I suppose the florist could have taken the money in a timely manner and also skipped, but somehow I irrationally feel his being paid cements him to the event.

It's like the waiter at a restaurant to holds back from presenting you with the bill, out of sensitivity and not to rush you.  Mostly, it feels awkward to me to have to motion him/her over and ask.  Maybe this is more my problem than the florist's.  I've got a European style florist and I'm a midwestern American!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday was so busy my brain was fried before I was able to blog.  This pre-wedding planning is a monster.  I am attempting to think before I speak and use right speech, but I'm also rattled and definitely over-emotional, which is dangerous.  My daughter has been a beautiful example of measured speech, except, when she's pressured she tends to criticize herself, which is wrong speech.  She harms herself and, though I don't think she fully understands this, harms the rest of us because we love her and feel disturbed when she's hard on herself.  But mostly, we are treading kindly and gently with each other, and last night we took a much needed break to watch a movie, "The Hundred Foot Journey", which relaxed us.

A lot got done yesterday.  But it was so much, maybe too much, that this morning I feel differently about the flowers for the buffet table, and maybe I will not take the advice from the caterer.  I'm going to give myself a day or two more to mull it over.  Pausing is essential, if I'm not going to have regrets.  And no looking back like an armchair quarterback when things are finalized.  It will be what it will be.