Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I got my booster this morning. My friend and I were walking, and she suggested we walk in to a pharmacy we were passing, and they were fine with it, and now that's out of the way. It's a relief. My husband will wait for a while, but I'm making him safer, I hope, by having mine. Then we had a cappuchino and looked at slippers in a shoe store, and ended with a quick visit to our neighborhood grocery for, in my case, V8, tomatoes, potatoes, etc. I'm always out of something, I suppose because we eat at home every single meal. It's a beautiful day, and while not super warm, 66 is warm enough that I took off my cotton sweater and wore a short sleeved cotton shirt. The cool air is helping keep us safe, I hope, while the headlines are all about Lake Tahoe. I went to summer camp there as a teenager, and my parents took my brother and I frequently to stay for a weekend or a week. So though I haven't been in many years, I remember it's pristine waters and the beautiful cabins and parks and ski areas. I first learned to ski at Squaw Valley. I hope they can contain the Caldor fire.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I have been playing a game of Scrabble every day, and our scores get lower and lower, I think because I've learned so much from him that I'm finally winning occasionally. I'll never have his ability to think way ahead and imagine words he might make, but I've certainly learned to put a word on any triple score square, even if it's low scoring, not to make a lovely big word if it will give him an opportunity to score big, and to be careful where I put a word with the J,Z,X, K or Q, because he is going to reuse it for more points. In other words, I need to bide my time and be patient. It feels good to win once in a while, and sometimes without drawing any of those big point letters. A couple of games ago, we both ended up not being a able to use a high point letter, I think for me it was Z and for him X. We are tough on each other, but I feel my mind is sharper now because of the games. We both notice that bad sportsmanship rears up, but we remain restrained and don't give in to anger. We want to win, but not enough to spoil the fun. I knew my husband could be a bad sport, but now I realize the very same impulses are in me as well, and I'm not on such an even keel myself. Good to know I'm human, and not above the petty feelings. I'm crystal clear about my dark side these days.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I went over yesterday afternoon to our daughter's house to watch the two grandsons splash in the kiddie pool. The younger kept getting shivery and needing to be wrapped in a towel, but the older was generating enough heat to keep him comfy. When they got inside they began getting on each other's nerves. So they were getting on our nerves as well. There was a lot of separating them from each other, interventions to avoid hitting and biting. Finally dinner came and they settled into their version of eating/not eating. I'd brought brownies over but neither child met the minimum requirements for dessert, so we quickly left them to their parents and bedtime rituals. We get exhausted just being the grandparents. My sympathy goes out to the parents, but I guess they are younger and much more energetic. I can no longer remember ever having that much energy. But I must have - I raised four kids, right?! It makes me exhausted to think about it!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A funny thing happens on our birthdays every year. Mine is four days after my husband's, and over time, celebration has eroded. Our birthdays are always glopped together, so it's either on his birthday or mine, or neither. They happen usually over Labor Day weekend, so it's difficult to invite people over, even before Covid. We've often been traveling in the summer so there is no urge to do a trip of any kind, plus the grandchildren are back in school. And when it's a BIG birthday, mine inevitably gets overlooked then the next year we do something special for my husband. Back in the day, this wasn't true. I threw myself an amazing birthday bash when I turned 50: venue, catering, band, 100 people. The next year for my husband we all flew to Victoria B.C. for an even grander and more expensive party, but at least I'd made a fuss about mine. Now, 60, 65, 70 and now 75 for me have gone by without fanfare, though my husband had a great 70th with the whole family away in another state. Part of the problem is we're old and tired, and planning things is so complicated. The same deterioration has happened with our anniversary. We had a great party for our 30th, then when the 40th came along, the planning got so complicated we cancelled. 45? Nothing. In three years our 50th. I'll be grateful just to make it, but I WOULD like to celebrate. But I am certain it will be up to me if anything happens. And will I be up to it? No one knows.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just finished writing postcards to Senators urging support of the child care, paid leave, jobs creation, etc. infastructure bill for us. Moms Rising makes it easy to do this, and any action I take feels infinitely better than reading the news. I am not alone, because thousands of us are advocating for for issues dear to women and families. For a country that yaps endlessly about family values, there is no proof in the pudding, is there? I'm praying some of this agenda gets passed, and Congress will wake up from a slumbering moral compass. There is always an excuse: something more important than our families and their well being. These children inherit the earth and need to be raised as good citizens with a responsibility for the welfare of others, and they can, if they are adequately sheltered, fed, protected from violence and mentored. Let's do this thing for now and the future. We know in our hearts love and compassion change circumstances. We need to fight for kindness over power and greed.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I realized that looking through photos for pictures of our daughter who died has traumatized us. We want to organize all the photos, but need a break. My husband has been having disturbing dreams about the photos, and I've struggled with mental fatigue and depression. So we're going to concentrate of getting our trees trimmed and the gutters cleaned, and protect ourselves for a while. I've walked with women friends four days in a row, which has helped tremendously. The weather has been perfect for walking, and we've stopped for errands along the way, doing double duty. Today my friend wept a little about the twenty fifth anniversary of her husband's death. She so missed the support the father of her two children would have given her. She has a partner, but he has not wanted to act as stepfather or to be in her grown kids lives. I'm so fortunate that my husband has always thought of my two kids from my first marriage as his, and he is mourning the death of our older daughter as deeply as I. But then he has been with me since those kids were two and four. My friend's partner has only known her kids as independent adults. He has three kids of his own, and his parental feelings are exclusive to them. So she stands alone right now in her joy of her first grandchild, and her husband's absence is especially obvious right now. He would have been so proud and overjoyed.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I will be talking to my therapist this morning after six weeks. What I'm dealing with has no expiration, so I haven't minded waiting this long, in fact it was my idea. I'm a yoyo, up and down, and underneath feels like a bunch of broken ribs. I'm finally picking up my support pieces, my friends mainly, and taping the ribs until they heal enough it doesn't hurt so much to breathe. My therapist has been with me many years, and she knows my story, so we can take up wherever we left off without explanation. I know I have her sympathy, and she knows I trust in it. I never thought I'd still be occasionally talking to someone, but first my daughter's illness, my brother's suicide, and then the pandemic, among other things, has made me see it is wise to get her perspective on how I'm handling my life. I hardly know myself. Therapists can be like sages of wisdom, and this one is. And I need every tool in my belt.