Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was on the phone with my cousin in the midwest when my husband opened the door and said something had happened. I waved him off, because my cousin's daughter had just lost her husband suddenly, and I wanted to support her. I assumed my husband wanted me to see the election results in Georgia, and though I am proud I wrote hundreds of postcards, I don't actually think I can take any credit. It all goes to Stacey Abrams, as I said yesterday. After I was finished with my call, and was feeling full of love for my cousin, I went upstairs and there was the mob. Like high school vandals they were trashing offices and taking selfies. I spent the rest of yesterday stunned and all the bouyancy of Georgia was burst like a balloon. Now I just hope these next 14 days can be gotten through without further horrors. Time has never gone so slowly. Trump is a traitor and criminal, and should be removed right now from office. However, I have no faith in that happening, despite Vice President Pence's adult, responsible behavior yesterday. I dare not relax until the Inaugaration. Americans deserve a break from this lunacy, as we are dealing with so much grief and fear and insecurity. And yes, like everyone else, I noticed that these white frat boys were treated so much better than the Black Lives Matter protestors, who were protesting unwarranted deaths. Citizens dying. We need to do some work, America. We need reparations and then healing, and to kick out those in Congress who are playing power games at our expense. I hope we have the energy for this, because pretending all is well is ridiculous.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My daughter texted me this morning early saying all the postcards we wrote to Georgia voters seem to have done some good! I'd like to think so. I just kept saying to myself, if ONE voter goes to the polls it's worth it, as I mailed each batch of cards. She and her husband, a devoted Bernie supporter, really need to feel encouraged about their country. We ALL do. That Stacey Abrams is some hero! At this point in time, I get nervous that possible good news will be a delusion. Yes, we have vaccines, but evidently no managable way to actually get the shots into human arms. Yes, Biden won, but the Congress is busy blocking the inevitable instead of doing it's job. Same with the weather here. The phone weather app says rain, then the icon disappears. We were supposed to have rain today, but that prediction has been wiped from the board, as well as any for the next ten days. I guess technology has given us too much information too quickly, so we can ride a roller coaster of yes-no-maybe. Perhaps ignorance really IS bliss.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm writing a little daily about my older daughter. I realize I am really only writing my story, because hers is ultimately unknowable to me. I can tell I'm partially writing out of guilt, as if something I might have done could have altered her trajectory towards breast cancer. I just finished the book she gave me about time travel, and several characters in it attempt to alter history. One wants to prevent John Lennon from being shot. Another wants to warn his girlfriend so she will not be attacked at a rock concert. I understand how futile this thinking is, but it seems to be part of my grief journey. When I'm writing, I know I am not inside her head, not one little bit. She's a mystery. I believe every thought I might imagine plus many more were stirring around. But I do have a felt sense of her anger and judgement and love and desire. She was so fully human and alive and passionate. I know I had a hand in her love of nature, art, literature and teaching. I took her to work on Take Your Daughter to Work day. I forced her and her friend to help me at the women's shelter. We trudged as a family to protest nuclear power plants, war, politics and women's issues. I laid a foundation for part of her life's passions. But this piece I'm writing is really about what I don't know, and never will. it's about love and loss.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We put away the Christmas decorations today, and I lugged all the toys in the living room upstairs to the guest bedroom. It is satisfying to tackle these kinds of tasks, and I also took a two mile walk with my friend in the rain. Umbrella rain. We stopped at a coffee place we like and had capucchinos. I didn't care that my hair was wet, since it's not been trimmed in a year and I look like a witch, the rain tamed it a bit. I didn't care that my glasses were wet. I felt like a kid with boots and the urge to splash in puddles and so did my friend. And when I returned, my granddaughter called and we talked for a while about Wonder Woman and other important subjects, then she had to go for a group zoom school thing. She seldom calls, so I was very pleased. She and her dad joked about the outgoing President, and that is always entertaining. Her dad is terrific with her, and he's planting a rose bush this week and thinking about pruning some of their plants. Where they live all plants grow in happy profusion, with all the rain they receive. It was comforting to my heart to speak with them. And yesterday I received a lovely text from my foster granddaughter, who said she missed me and when I said I loved her she replied "love you more". I'm a very lucky lady.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today was the last day of our pod with our younger daughter, son-in-law and tw grandsons. We had a long walk along the bay waterfront, then had lunch delivered to their house, then watched "The Polar Express" with our four year old grandson. When we said goodbye I was crying. I hadn't expected to be so emotional, but then I'm not trustworthy that way any more. Tomorrow we will take down the Christmas decorations and put all the toys in our guest bedroom. It's going to be many months at best before we see any of our family. As befitting my mood, it was cloudy and overcast all day, with 94% humidity. Tomorrow's forecast is 100% rain. We need it, so I'm not complaining. I'm reading a crazy, adorable book "Every Anxious Wave" by Mo Davidiau. It's a time travel book, which normally I hate, but this is goofy and the characters so endearing that I really care for them. It's one of the last two books my daughter bought for me before she died, and it brings me closer to her in a funny way. I appreciate how she loved sharing with me the books she really liked. Last January she loaned me her copy of Pachinko, by Jin Min Lee, and then we heard the author give a talk that month. She was wonderful, and I very much admired the book, which had not been on my radar before. I miss that enthusiasm so much.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's been raining on and off today, which is a pleasant surprise. My daughter came over this morning with her two boys, after canceling the walk we had planned to take with them, and while my husband and the older one built a house from plasic sticks and balls (a kit), my daughter and I strolled the baby, who would not fall asleep. He won't sleep in my portacrib any more, and he was determined not to be tricked into sleeping in the stroller. He succeeded. Do you notice how a baby's will is so much stronger than ours? We always capitulate. So we ordered Indian food delivered, I got out cooked pasta for the baby which turned out to have mold on it (so embarassing) and the four year old drank half of his mango lassi and declared himself finished with lunch. At that point, my daughter having endured three hours of orneryness, she packed them up and headed home for them to have naps. I'm exhausted, and I didn't really do much. But they livened up our day, I'll say that for them! My daughter said she might come over here after they are both asleep tonight and watch a movie with us. I think she needs a break.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This morning I had tears in my eyes because my daughter will not be alive in any part of this new year. Last year she didn't die until June, so I had half a year being with her, talking to her, and supporting her. She feels more gone today. And I don't have much jubilation for what is to come, as it all seems so tenuous and wispy. Will the vaccines reach the numbers necessary, and when and how can we see people again without masks? It's vague and not particularly comforting. But the basics are that my family is healthy and stable, and my grandchildren hanging in there. I appreciate what I have and how fortunate I am. I feel hopeful enough about the days getting longer. I'm expecting my friends to walk with me more, and I will cling to phone calls and cards and peanut butter. It's just complicated to have expectations in this altered world. And at my age, I believe it will always be so. The people I love I will leave, and memories only get you so far. I'm not the presence in my family's life I once was, so I need to be deeply aware of my own presence, so that this all feels real and I stay awake in my life's moments.