Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I couldn't sleep last night thinking of my dear daughter.  She had back pain last week and had to take steroids and other meds to feel better.  She is so brave.  The suffering she has undergone is unimaginable, yet she perseveres.  Soon she will call me to come, and I dread that as well, because it means the end of her life, and the beginning of more intense suffering for her daughter and those of us who love her.  Like the Covid 19, there is no end in sight of the trauma.  I don't feel strong, I feel weak and afraid.  When I am with my daughter I will follow her lead, but will I be able to comfort her?  I guess she knows I'll try to rise to the occasion and be a rock.  But I am not a rock.  I am a weeping, flowing fountain of grief.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is my brother's birthday.  He died six years ago, but I think of him often.  He was perhaps the greatest love of my childhood, beyond my love of my parents.  His ashes are still in my house.  I just finished listening to my Buddhist teacher Anam Thubten, who was talking about attention and awareness, which are the antidotes to monkey mind and unnecessary suffering.  This words are so relevant at this time of the pandemic, with its dangers of too much media watching, rumors, isolation and waves of fear.  I do try to come back to the breath, or a mantra, and I pray, because that act is a way of connecting with other beings and focus on them, not my own mind.  I'm so grateful to my practice, which steadies my heart and mind, when I feel overwhelmed.  I hold all beings in my heart, which nests them as if I am their mother.  And I know others are nesting me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our family did Zoom last night, and it was so wonderful to talk to and see each other all at once.  We tried playing an animal guessing game, but that was too easy, so we switched to movie titles.  We did it like charades, and it elicited lots of laughter.  My grandkids had already been tucked in bed, except for our granddaughter, almost 12, who participated with her mother.  Afterwards, I felt blessed to have these amazing grown kids and grandkids, and that we are all TRYING SO HARD to support each other, be careful of each other's health, and show our love in all possible ways.  I went to bed happy, with the worry shoved to the side. 
Yesterday my husband and I also ate lunch in the backyard with our younger son, his wife and 11 month old grandson; staying carefully 6 feet from each other, bringing our own sandwiches, and basking in a warm afternoon.  And we didn't talk about the coronavirus, just shows we'd been watching and NORMAL everyday things.  Watching our grandson take his first step was a bonus.  And he was entertaining us by putting rocks in a basket, climbing the stairs to the upper part of the garden with a parent behind him, and "talking" nonstop.  Oh, joy!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The weather is great today and we had a good walk this morning.  Then our younger son, his wife and son visited us midday.  We stayed 6 feet apart from them in an abundance of caution, but we had our sandwiches out on the patio and watched our grandson take his first step.  At eleven months, he is still corral-able, so we could delight in him from a distance.  It felt so good and so normal.  Tonight our whole family is playing a game on Zoom, so that will be extra nice as well.  I even remembered, as our grandson was playing with a rhododendron blossom that they are poisonous, and rescued him before he thought to eat it.  Azaleas are also poisonous, and we have a few of those front and back, so now I'm on alert.  In a few months our youngest grandson will be a flower-eating being, so I'm now prepared.  Hopefully, we will all be able to be with our families again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was like a yoyo today.  I felt depressed when I got up, almost bent over with grief over my daughter.  Then I straightened my back and went on with my morning routine:  get the papers, make breakfast, get dressed, do my video for my grandkids, take a walk.  I felt much better.  I had a phone call with my therapist at 1, and she suggested that immunotherapy for my daughter might be an option. This is because her husband is an oncologist.   I texted my daughter and she said that had been one of her 3 trials she'd applied for, but they had closed down the trials because of the Covid 19.  I cried for a while.  I talked to my younger son.  He was worried about the new rule of wearing cloth masks.  We got each other both more upset and reassured ( it alternated from moment to moment).  I went outside and sat in a chair in my backyard, appreciating the sun warming me.  The hell with skin cancer.  Not my worry at this time.  We are having BLTs for dinner and I am attempting to look forward to that.  Did I tell you my therapist is sending me gloves in the mail?  How is that for caring about a client?!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had some french bread for dinner last night.  It felt like the biggest treat ever.  I heated it with butter and garlic.  I find myself needing to order more butter.  Perhaps subconsciously I want to fatten up my palate.  The event of my day is each meal.  Another event is a FaceTime with a grandchild.  They are so sweet and smiley, even the 6 week old baby.  I hunger to hold them and be around their optimism and energy.  My other big events each day are talking on the phone to friends and walks.  You can see the cabin fever escalating each day, as more people are out walking and some are oblivious to how close they are getting and we are out in the street more and more to avoid them.  Going to parks, though there are many beautiful ones nearby is an exercise in futility.  Either they are closed or you risk being in a herd of people.  So we just walk the neighborhood.  Yesterday I had a big treat:  my friend and I, after 2 weeks in isolation, took a walk together and at one point I spotted a long bench.  She sat on one end and I the other, and we just talked about her mother's recent death, and I my daughter's cancer, and we commiserated and comforted each other.  Heart to heart, you might say, and I definitely would.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday was our 46th wedding anniversary.  Luckily, last year we gathered all the family at our favorite spa/mineral pool a couple of hours north, and we had a great weekend.  This year I made coq au vin for the two of us, and my husband found a $9 bottle of champagne in the back of the pantry, and it wasn't even too bad.  We watched "Murphy's Romance" and I shared my Stevia chocolate bar with him.  I've been thinking back to our anniversary trips, good and not so good, and also remembering our amazing chemistry and our vibrant lives together.  Maybe we're not still IN LOVE the way we were, but we have understandings that make up for that.  We're nothing alike, but that has worked to our advantage in many ways.  We are masters of compromise, and we also don't depend on each other too much.  I have friends I feel as close or closer to, and he has his passions I don't share, but we both adore art, travel and nature.  He gifted me with camping and national parks and the curiosity of a scientist, and my reading and social strengths have expanded his world.  We had one grumpy day so far in our sheltering, but we do pretty well, because we give each other a wide berth when we need it, and we are walking buddies each day.  So today I'm appreciating this long, windy partnership, and infinitely grateful.