Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We watched the movie "Sully" last night, and as we had seen it in the theatre, I was freer to notice other things about this remarkable incident.  One was how uncomfortable Sully was with the attention, and how stressful it was to him.  I believe most people imagine that if they were a hero, they would be thrilled and happy.  They see these fame seekers on TV and on Twitter and Instagram, and they would love to BE them.  But the movie did a great job of showing how scary it was to be focused on, both for himself and his wife.  He was in shock and examining his actions to check if he felt he did do the right thing, and the attention estranged him from others, rather than making him feel closer.  Fame is, as they say, a double edged sword.  He was hounded and abstracted and exaggerated until he couldn't recognize himself.  All these kids wishing to be a Kardashian are aiming for a bizarre existence where money does not buy happiness, only alienation and ordinary human tragedies are writ large.  If you are known for your posterior, does that help your level of self esteem?  I doubt it. 

Every day ordinary people pull drowning people out of cars, rescue folks, stop a violent act, or just ask if someone needs help.   I wonder if their anonymity is a blessing.  They remain themselves, and feel good about their act, but the pressures of projection from others is not an issue.  The act stays clean and bright and real.  Too much attention makes us doubt our actions.  And doubting causes hesitation.  Sully was remarkable in that he seems to have rebalanced himself and used his fame for good.  But maybe most people would not muster up the strength. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Nevertheless, she persisted.  Good for Elizabeth Warren.  She had the right to speak, and she used it until she was silenced by the patriarchy.  But that act of McConnell's will haunt him and other Republicans.  Not that they have a conscience, but it will cause others to see what silencing means.  Rape victims are refusing to be silenced at Baylor.  All around us people are speaking out against the Muslim ban, against fracking and racist tactics by police.  A lot of voices are raised right now.  And they will be heard.  The tipping points have been reached.  We want fairness, justice and a congress that speaks for the people who elected them, not the donors and lobbyists.  We will speak out and change this terrible course, as we did in the sixties.  Just ordinary people, finding their hearts in their mouths and speaking truth against all the lies and avoidance and subterfuge.  I believe it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I see that if you live long enough the attachment issue in Buddhism clarifies itself.  With our children our attachment is passionate and often misguided.  With grandchildren you feel the passion, but in a more detached way, as you are not "in charge" of anything, and the grandchildren are being raised without your advice.  At first I was hurt, as my kids would offer or withdraw their kids depending on their needs.  But now I realize the lesson is in letting go of all the ego around grandchildren, and simply enjoying them when you're with them.  And I've learned to think fondly of them without the desperate need to see or talk to them.  My role is really minimal, and I accept that.  I'm going to die, and I wouldn't want too great a loss to hit either my kids or grandkids, so there is automatic detachment on both sides.  I deeply appreciate what time I have with them and what they teach me, not what I might teach them.  My greatest gift to them is loving them unconditionally, and without expectation.  Each encounter is fresh and new and delightful, because I have no agenda, not even to make myself indespensible to them.  The more love they and I engage in, the better.  It's that simple.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I used to work with the victims of domestic violence, and over the years I realized the earlier such violence is addressed, the better.  We began going into high schools, as date abuse was an issue, but in my heart of hearts I knew the answer was easier and more complicated.  We needed to make sure small children did not grow up seeing abuse or being abused, and that meant a kind of interference that would never be allowed.  Little girls learn everything is their fault and they deserve to be hit.  Little boys learn if they are frustrated or angry hitting mommy or sister is the answer.  We counselors had a fantasy of kidnapping all these children and saving them from a life of repeating the violence. 

The hatred and violence we are seeing now, all over the world, began in a home where the man was a tyrant and the women and children afraid of him.  Who wants to be powerless?  So the boys emulate it and the girls placate it.  Patriarchy ends up causing this belligerent, nasty atmosphere we live in.  And why do women vote for men who abuse women?  Because if it is pervasive, you don't even notice sometimes.  You think it is god's will.  You are told your job is to nurture and support and look beautiful and you will be rewarded. 

This is how big the problem with our world is.  Can it be changed?  One family at a time only.  But with policies and leaders who address it, a lot of the family dynamic could be changed.  I don't believe men are happy being bullies.  They need to be freed up as much as the women and children.  We should all be working for the elimination of domestic violence, if we want a peaceful world.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was walking our dog when I ran into an old friend and his dog.  He asked about me only having one dog with me and I told him about the death of our other dog.  He's been through this grieving process with his previous dog, and I knew he was sympathetic.  I told him we'd cried for three days after we put him down.  I'm not ashamed of grieving for a pet.  Even as a child, I can remember grieving when our cat or dog died.  I've not forgotten any of them or their names.  I saw the sadness of my father when we lost a pet, and when his final pet, an apricot standard poodle named Pepe was hit by a car in front of his house, a light went out of my father.  We often suggested him getting another dog, but he refused.  He'd had enough heartbreak over dogs.  When he took care of our dog Huckleberry for a few days, and then later we had give Huckle away because he began snapping at the mailman and others, he looked at me like I was a murderer.  But I was taking care of him as he was dying of cancer, and driving back and forth to my four kids in a new house in a new town with new schools, and I couldn't handle it all.  But Huckleberry haunts me.  I should have left him behind in Colorado, where he was out in the country like he was used to, but my husband talked me into bringing him to our tiny yard in a city, and he couldn't adjust, and my dad was sick, and I knew no one who could help or support us.  Sometimes I forgive myself, and other times I know I never will.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What is free speech and what is hate speech and should they both be protected as if they are interchangeable?  So much hate speech is demanding complete freedom from censorship and the easy answer of just don't listen to it is no longer viable, because it has entered the public arena so insistently.  Our new president is exposing us all to hate speech without limits.  If we want to know about our government we read or hear this bile.  That hate should call itself the champion of free speech is perverse and vile.  I risk using an old fashioned phrase:  is nothing sacred?  If our government is free to label religions, countries and groups of people without contradiction, what has happened to the Constitution and the Fourth Amendment?  People who wish for civility and kindness and restraint have no place in this new world.  We who would "get along" are told that we are fools and dismissed.  When the President has no idea what our democracy means, or truth is, then the distortion is devastating. 
And if churches want to espouse politics then they should not be tax free.  Then they become political entities.  Yet the president says they can be as active as they want and we will pay the bill.  We know he won't.  He doesn't pay taxes.  But he forces us to subsidize his political viewpoint.  This is tyranny.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Why do we never seem to be kind enough to ourselves?  When I see it in my grown kids, I feel sad.  Yet we all seem to struggle with this critical, comparative voice in our heads.  I can see now how destructive it was to me and how I hesitated about actions that would have benefited me.  But watching my kids not think they are "good" enough, or attractive enough or smart enough is devastating.  I read recently that girls until the age of six think they can do anything, but after that height they begin to think they aren't as smart as boys.  Even though they have better grades, test scores and succeed more often.  Something in our culture tells them they aren't smart, and they don't try math and engineering and science because they think they don't have the brains for it.  And boys persevere because they think they are smarter, no matter what their actual achievements.  Parents struggle long and hard to make their kids confident, but then their peers take over and swallow up the joyous belief in self.  Being aware helps, but not when school, technology and media subtly whisper one thing to boys and the other to girls.