Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I returned last night from two days with my little grandson.  He is a treat!  He is making great effort to communicate and can imitate sounds and talks right along with me.  We went out to dinner and he was totally entertained by the strangers in the room, staring without blinking, mouth open, drooling with a stunned look on his face.  He was handed around the table, happy as a clam.  Our own conversation was focused a lot on him, but we also managed to discuss other topics.  We avoided politics, because it gets everyone steaming these days, even though we all vote the same.  Just the general atmosphere is so loaded that in ranting about hate speech, one can end up sounding just as hateful.  It was a respite from the news and the bombardment most of us experience just going about our daily lives.  The radio in the car, the headlines in the grocery store, the newspapers, all besiege us.

So a baby cooing was the perfect antidote to the state of the nation.  The state of the babies is mighty fine. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My Zen Buddhist teacher often said that everyone needs a witness to the struggle with a path.  Usually, that witness in Buddhism is the person's teacher, but most of us need others to serve in that capacity as well.  We check in with "swim buddies" and discuss what our intentions are and have them help us be on the lookout for unintentional harming.  I also have a therapist whom I see occasionally, and over time I have come to trust that she honors my Buddhist practice and guides me in appropriate ways to interact intelligently and kindly with family and friends.  You would think at my age I would somehow KNOW what to do in every situation, but such is not the case.  And, as my practice encourages me to come fresh to every moment, what I've done in the past is not enough at times to show me the way with whatever is up right now.

Today I see my therapist, and I need her guidance to see my best actions to be taken, and also where no action is the right path.  I'm grateful I have such a person, whom I trust, and whom I know is aiding me in my vows and path.  She's real and honest and not afraid to throw her opinion in the hat.  And I pick up that hat, put it on my head, and hope through osmosis the wise road rises up.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Why is so often these days right speech seems to be about keeping silent?  Is this the wisdom of old age or the fatigue of old age?  I wait for my kids to ask me about an issue, or the story unfolds.  They are all competent adults, so their privacy is important.  We are not keeping tabs on each other.  We check in, and luckily I see them fairly often, except for my out-of-state daughter.  We text.  They send photos.  But their struggles are their own, and I'm not of an age yet when my issues need to be supported by them.

If I get worried, I call.  I usually don't ask directly, but listen to their tone and mood and only question them if something seems off.  They've all poured their hearts out to me at times and I to them, but we've not got relationships where a lot of personal information is exchanged.  They've got their friends for that, and some have therapists.  I admit my therapist acts as a filter for me, so I don't overreact or burden them with unnecessary worries.

This cautionary method is not for everyone, I'm just saying, for me that's what's happening these days.  I'm noticing, but not judging myself or them.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been talking baby talk the past couple of days.  I've been helping out my son and daughter-in-law and enjoying my grandson.  They have noted that when he is in day care, he doesn't verbalize as much because the caregiver has other small children and he is the youngest.  When I see him at first he doesn't respond verbally, then after a few hours he speaks more.  This is the struggle with childcare.  The child never gets the same level of attention as he does at home.  Soon he will be making his voice heard more, but it's difficult for all of us to handle.  Of course, first is that he is safe and in a healthy environment.  And he clearly is.  I saw the place this morning.  But one can imagine that the toddlers dominate, because they speak and move around so much.  They are all darling, and obviously well cared for, but a baby can be sat down or put in the crib and the demands of the toddlers are ever present, with snacks, potty training, negotiating toy squabbles between them.  The baby is in that way the easiest but the most likely to be shortchanged. 

It's wrenching for the parents and I feel so sympathetic to them and my grandson.  But I live too far away to babysit him every day, and all I can do is help out when they are home and needing me to play with him while they run errands, grade papers and grocery shop.  I talk or sing to him most of the time, and try to engage him in looking at things, playing with his toys or listening to his music boxes and I read to him a lot, as do his parents.  It's not perfect.  Nothing ever is.  But I'm up for some intense baby talk.  That's my right speech act.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've had a perilous path this week with right speech.  I've had a lot of bad speech addressed to me, upsetting me, and I've had to let go of any response, because it's not my business and people have attempted to put me in the middle out of their own reactivity.  Luckily, I talked to my therapist yesterday, which re-enforced my determination to stay out of the tempest and see what comes.  I every case, I've offered support to the person and in no case can I fix anything.  So there it is.  We'd like to set the record straight, get the people on the right path, but, oh, right, we have no real idea of what the right path for another person is.  We only know they maybe need professional help.  Don't know.  My Zen teacher's mantra is still the best position.  We're grandiose if we think we can change people by guiding them.  Sometimes our own behavior, over time, changes our relationship with the other person, but our words, not so much.  Words are easy, and inadequate.

You have to trust people to work out issues by themselves.   I am letting go and trusting whatever is necessary will somehow transpire.  Things change.  A road that looks completely blocked opens up.  Or the road feared turns out to be the road to healthy change.  We don't know.  Patience and calm response are the best policy.  But, boy, can they be a challenge!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just come back from an hour and a half walk with a friend.  And it has occurred to me that we spent half the time talking about cancer and illnesses of friends and the other half about upcoming trips we are making.  She and her whole family are going on a sailing trip to the Carribean for her husband's birthday and I was discussing my husband and my plans for our anniversary and also a trip two friends and I are taking to the southwest in a couple of months.  So our lives could fairly be said to be split between health scares of our friends, family and ourselves and the escapism possible at our age due to retirement and time.  We are holding our family and friends close at the same time we are realizing our time with them and them with us is finite.

How to keep the joy in living when we are aging and experiencing loss more frequently?  My friend and I do it by instinct, not calculation, but there it always is:  the elephant in the room.  We also share our losses and fears, which doesn't transform anything, yet somehow makes the pain more bearable.  We are not alone.  We are able to comfort each other.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I walked with a friend yesterday afternoon and she wanted to talk about a couple of things that were worrying her.  Sounds innocent enough, but when we go down this road she usually gets mad at me.  I listened, and then she asked me some questions and I told her to follow the advice of her therapist.  She pressured me and I said yes, if that were my circumstance, I would be worried.  Then she asked me what I would do.  Loaded, and I knew it.  I said I would get the whole family in the room and talk to the person and do an intervention.  She wanted to know what an intervention was.  I said that's where you tell the person you are deeply concerned, that the situation is serious, and you offer suggestions to help them.  Maybe have the names of therapists or support groups, and you ask what you can do to help.

This made her furious.  She wants to keep the elephant in the room hidden and not address its presence.  I said, that was just what I would do if it were me.  Be honest with the person instead of protecting them from seeing the harm being done.  I said, but don't follow my advice, talk to your therapist.

She caught herself and apologised, but she wanted to leave me and head home.  She said she couldn't deal with it anymore now.  She practically ran away, except I said I was headed home her way and we talked about the flowers on the fruit trees and the weather. 

I felt set up, but of course, it was unintentional on her part.  She was hoping I was somebody different who would say its no biggie.  I am not that person and she knows it.  She is struggling with huge grief and dread and fear, and I feel only love for her.  But if she asks what I think, I'm going to tell her.  Protecting herself is not working.  She is sinking.  And as I said to her, my concern is for her welfare.