Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A friend emailed me this morning about a few things, but one issue on her mind was how she sees less and less of her grandchildren as they are growing up.  They have classes, athletics, their peers and babysitting is no longer a connection.  She advised me to treasure my time with my new grandson, because the time when we really matter is brief and mainly pre-school age.  I've already discovered this, and my own memories of my grandparents are mostly when I was very young.  But those memories have stuck with me, and I believe they shaped me and my view of the world.  So I try not to cling to my grandchildren as they have a wider set of connections.  I know I represent something to them:  unconditional love, support and admiration.  I'm imbedded in their hearts, but their minds and bodies are too busy to much notice.  I'm fading in importance but forever in their memories.

Our children need us in the early years of their parenting, but as they learn the ropes, they gain confidence, and eventually they soar on their own.  We've seen them tired and overwhelmed and now they want to see themselves as competent and masterful.  And we want that as well.  Our job seems to be to be that silent support and encouragement that acknowledges their skill.  So as their children are breaking away from us, so are they, and we, as ever, are to be left behind to wave.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday I stopped by the chat with my friend's mother.  My friend is out of town for a week and she likes one of us to check on her each day.  I love visiting her because she is funny, laughs a lot at my terrible jokes and has a love of old films to rival mine.  I'd just seen Hail Caesar from the Coen Brothers and we discussed Esther Williams and Roy Rogers and the like.  She is still interested in so much, and that enthusiasm is contagious.  She's seen it all and is wise, but without pontificating or advising.  We had a long talk about how young women today don't seem to understand what we went through trying to work and raise kids.  They're not curious.  And they wait so long to marry and consider having a family that they push themselves up against the wire.  It's painful to witness.

I lost my mother thirty years ago, so my friend's mother connects me with that generation.  I love hearing about her view of what's happening today, and I value her perspective.  Not all ninety five year olds are as sharp and aware, but she is an example of what good genes and luck can do for you.  Physically she may struggle to get around, but her mind is as lively as someone half her age or half again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Right speech?  I can't even text the right person.  Trying to arrange going to the movies with a friend, I accidentally texted the wrong person with the same first name, received what seemed like a bizarre reply, then double-checked and realized my mistake.  I then used the old fashioned telephone, left a message and she just called me back.  Then I texted the wrong person with the same first name and apologized and explained what happened.  Is this efficient?  I think not.

My friend here said she often emails or texts the wrong friend with the same name herself.  She may be lying to make me feel better, but I'll take it.

In our hurry to be in a hurry we can end up convoluted and bogged down by mistakes.  In the old days of the rotary dial phones, that probably didn't happen.  Even emails are safer that way, because you have to type in the address and it's usually some version of the person's name.  But now my IPhone pops up with the email or phone number after one or two characters, and my eyes don't register, they just plunge into my message without checking who I'm sending to.  It's like the guy in the car who is tailgating, and he swerves around you and swoops in ahead to be caught at the red light.  Has he saved time?  Not really.  Am I full of nasty glee that he's been thwarthed?  You betcha.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Two friends and myself are planning a trip in May.  We email, and somehow the communication has not been really successful.  We manage to misunderstand each other and clarification is like pulling teeth.  First it was about waiting a week before buying flights.  One of us did it anyway.  Now there is confusion about where we are staying, and how to book it.  We perhaps have put the cart before the horse.  Now that we have flights, the next phase is to break up our stay in the two places, then book a hotel in each.  I'm thinking I need to get out my travel books and talk turkey:  the mileage distances between the airport we're all flying in and out of, the two towns, and when we will all three be getting in a rental car when we arrive to get to the first hotel, and when we need to leave the second hotel to all get to the airport to make are three different flights. 

Okay, so a little research is in order, then we can try this again.  I actually had to call one of the friends to get unconfused, but evidently it was only temporary.  I will laugh at this later, but right now, I feel this planning is getting above my mental acuity capacity.  There are limits to email.  And I've run smack dab into them on this one!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I missed facetime with my four month old grandson this morning.  How the world has changed!  The paths of speech have expanded exponentially!  I have my preference for the in-the-same-room variety, but I've had to adapt.  I'm a texting fiend these days, and email and phone round it out, but I'm so far adverse to tweets and instagram etc.  You have to be TOO connected for those, and I still don't carry my phone around everywhere or make myself attached to a device.  I walk the dogs, go to movies etc without anyone being able to reach me.  What a concept!

But who knows what I'll be doing when the grandkids are older?  Already, my oldest grandson has an IPhone.  It's coming!  Now I'm just waiting for him to actually use it to phone me!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I was the recipient of some wise right speech.  My friend and I went to a quilt show, and she gave me a pep talk about my having quit the quilting group we were both in.  She praised my freeform, laid back approach and told me she appreciated it.  I will think over what she said, but what touched me most was her earnestness in valuing my input.  I could tell she meant it, and seeing the Gee's Bend like quilts today reminded me I love the goofy style and had felt, in the past, okay about not measuring precisely and having sharp corners and rows super even.

In other words, she reminded me that I had been having fun quilting, and not to let others in the group cause me to feel selfconscious and sloppy.  I love my friend for that, and whatever I decide, I feel closer to her.  She made right effort, and was supportive and encouraging.  I'm not feeling sorry for myself quite so much, and I may take up the scissors and tape and sewing machine again really soon.  I hope.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've had a week of practicing right speech with my dear friend and older two kids' stepmother, who has been visiting.  We manage to discuss our mutual past and lightly touch on our mutual husband without crossing any boundaries.  It requires determination and effort on both our parts, and we succeeded.  I believe we are both proud of this friendship, and we know it benefits our kids.  We find things to talk about and share, like our mutual grandchildren and books and travel and politics.  We are quite synchronized in regards to politics, so that helps tremendously.  I learn about her system in Ireland and she listens to what's going on here. 

And I practiced not emailing or calling or texting while she was here, so that I felt relaxed and not torn.  Now I'm free to call people back and take up ordinary life again, but I gave her my full attention while she was here.  I was at her disposal at all times, and we had fun.  I've made my life much simpler by doing this, and it comes out of the Buddhist practice, for which I am grateful.