Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I saw the movie "Bridge of Spies" a few days ago, and both of us felt it exceeded our expectations.  There is a message embedded in the essence of the film that talking can work wonders, and deescalate tensions that might harm the many.  Diplomacy was at it's height then.  No one wanted another world war, and all sides wished to avoid violence.  The viewer gets the feeling that our current Congressional impass is because this art, and it is an art, is devalued.  Now people want dramatic statements and acts that draw the attention of the media.  Secrecy, and conversations involving negotiations are devalued.  The public has the right to know.  But it has turned out that the public is in the line of fire for judgment, hatred and sensationalism.  Witness the Bengahzi hearings.  There is much posturing and no information.  Like Bernie Sanders, we are fatigued with this public display.  Not everything can be reality TV.

We have a counter example of the old fashioned diplomacy in Pope Francis encouraging Cuba and the U.S. to loosen up their ancient stances and come to agreement on reasonable relations.  So the old way is not dead.  And there is every indication that John Kerry is working tirelessly behind the scenes to make tensions in the Middle East ease a bit.  But this understanding of diplomacy takes thought and a belief that this is a skill not everyone possesses.  Therefore we have to leave diplomats to the necessary privacy of their calling.  Yes, they are ultimately responsible to us.  But they are not required to entertain us and expose every step of their decision making.  We have a representative government, not a circus.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a walk with a friend yesterday, and I appreciated the talking being mild and gentle.  This friend and I can get at odds pretty quickly, so I'm happy when the discussion is easy.  She brought some love letters between her parents that her brother had found recently.  I read one from each parent and then she selected one of each to read aloud to me.  They were from the 1920's and very touching.  Both were Swedish, from farm families, and living in North Dakota.  She was 19 years younger than he.  There was a lot of reference to God and prayer, as they were both Pentecostals and met at a night prayer meeting in a tent.  There was so much gratitude in the letters, though she had lost her mother at two and her father remarried and lost wives several times afterward.  Her older sister fell in love and followed a man to New York, and when he rejected her, she killed herself.  It was a hard life on the prairie, and yet, and yet, they loved passionately, married quickly, and had five children.  They spoke of their good fortune instead of their hardships.  She couldn't afford a wedding or a dress, and he had to postpone the honeymoon until after the corn was harvested.  Their religion gave them hope and strength.  I was touched and their loving words, so many decades later, being discovered and appreciated by their children.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I deeply appreciate Joe Biden's announcement yesterday that he was not running for President.  The transparency of his grief and the process, owned up to so publicly, is an example for the rest of us.  He took care of himself and his family first, and acknowledged what all of us know, that grief is not so simple or as speedy as we might like.  Grief hits in waves, it distorts our decisions, it saps us of energy, and it takes its own sweet time to work its way in each of us.  We make a timeline at our peril.  I feel the health of Vice President Biden and his family has been considered seriously and wisely.  We ignore or push grief aside only to find it relentless in its pursuit of us.

I appreciate President Obama being at his side when he made this announcement, and the respectful coverage of this private decision made public.  I'm sure Biden would have made a terrific candidate, but the intention must not be to fulfill his dead son's dream for him, but for him to be in robust health in mind and body.  The dead are dead, and the living must assess their limits and multiple responsibilities.  Now the Bidens can care for their son's grandchildren better and more often, they can take pauses for their own waves of grief, and they can remember their son and support his family.  That is the highest calling and the greatest honorable behavior.  Bless them.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday my younger daughter and I went to visit the new baby.  And I noticed that my daughter-in-law's mother was warmer to me and more talkative.  In the past she's been quite cool.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that my dogged politeness has paid off.  Whatever aversion and distrust she seemed to feel before has softened, maybe because of my determination to back off and give her the rights as First Grandmother, or maybe because a baby brings people together.  The important thing for me is to be aware of it and not be acting out of previous experience, but rather with what is happening now.

I enjoyed talking with her yesterday and relaxed around her.  She's a tiger with her daughter and yet she's been with her almost three weeks, so the hunger and missing she experiences has been sated, and she knows she's coming back in January.  I've been careful to come up only once a week and let her interact with the baby and her daughter however she wishes.  I am reassured I will have my own time after she is gone, but I won't be needed as much as she has been, because the parents have gotten their bearings and are feeling more confident now. 

I'm grateful for this change, and know it will benefit our kids and grandkids as well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just listened to a dharma talk of my teacher.  He used the term "mental proliferation" to describe busy mind, the opposite of quiet mind, where there is space to turn inward and to be more conscious of each moment.  We don't actually see our busy mind unless we pause and sit in silence.  Then we have the tools to notice our thoughts and reactions to those thoughts.  So is it any wonder that mental proliferation leads to wrong speech?  We become impulsive and unwise.  We blurt out opinions and judgments galore.  We are Donald Trumps.  Oh, dear.

For some people it seems to be amusing to see such a messy mind.  To others of us it is our worst nightmare.  Our jaws are wired open and we can't shut up, and whatever fleeting thoughts we have are exposed to the world and come to represent us. 

I've worked hard to have some silence in my daily life, and to not run away from thoughts, feelings and ideas that flit through.  I'm human, and this is how we work.  But I don't think of myself as defined by such thoughts.  I know I am capable of deeper reflection and contemplation, and have inner resources to make my interactions non-harmful and kind and compassionate.  With all the turbulent news and blasting of unconscious minds, our consciousness is more important than ever.  We must clean out the house of our minds, to make space for what is truly important and true to us.  The now popular tidying up book perhaps hints at a deeper need in all of us:  the need to keep an uncluttered mind so that our love and compassion our at the forefront of our speech and action.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going to the eye doctor today to check and see if my bleed is still dry.  I'm used to it, but not sanguine.  I become very stressed beforehand, and doing the eye test has become scary.  Maybe it's the eleven years I've dealt with this fear of losing sight, or more sight, I should say.  Instead of calming me, I've got that dread that something bad is coming.  I've only got the one good eye, and if/when that goes I'll not be able to read or drive or be as independent.  I had kind of relaxed into the degree of vision loss for ten years, but since the new bleed in May, the ground beneath my feet has shifted.  Yes, they have given me back the sight I just lost this year by the amazing injection they can do, but it's shaken me.

This Thursday I see my therapist for the first time in a while, and I need to talk about my stress.  I need to admit the cost to me daily, with the possibility of vision loss haunting me.  I was coping well, but right now I'm not.  It's time to fess up and get more support. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My next right speech challenge has to do with answering the online feedback about the Road Scholar trip I just took.  I know, just tell the truth.  But the truth today may not be how I feel about the trip next week or next month.  I understand I'm settling back in and haven't had any time for reflection.  Did I like the trip?  Yes, but they want details.  And there are many things that could stand improvement.  Then there is the fact that I went with my best friend, and we can have fun anywhere.  So how much credit goes to the program, and how much was seeing my friend after many months? 

But the irrational is just as huge for me.  I like to be nice.  I like to be good.  I don't want to criticize.  I can all too easily put myself in the shoes of the organizers and the leader.  Nobody's perfect, this wasn't a high cost trip, so many excuses, so little time.  I'm not the kind of person who expects or can demand everything be perfect.  I don't feel I deserve it.  I blame myself for not speaking up - actually, sort of for not fixing it.  There is a catch 22 for you!

I'll bite the bullet later today and fill out the thing.  And try mightily to not think of it again or be self conscious while I answer the questions.  And my form is one of sixteen and not important in the higher scheme of things.  But it's speech, and I want my intentions to be helpful and honest.  It's not a lie detector test or a result that will change anyone's life.  But the pressure, oh, the pressure.