Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My next right speech challenge has to do with answering the online feedback about the Road Scholar trip I just took.  I know, just tell the truth.  But the truth today may not be how I feel about the trip next week or next month.  I understand I'm settling back in and haven't had any time for reflection.  Did I like the trip?  Yes, but they want details.  And there are many things that could stand improvement.  Then there is the fact that I went with my best friend, and we can have fun anywhere.  So how much credit goes to the program, and how much was seeing my friend after many months? 

But the irrational is just as huge for me.  I like to be nice.  I like to be good.  I don't want to criticize.  I can all too easily put myself in the shoes of the organizers and the leader.  Nobody's perfect, this wasn't a high cost trip, so many excuses, so little time.  I'm not the kind of person who expects or can demand everything be perfect.  I don't feel I deserve it.  I blame myself for not speaking up - actually, sort of for not fixing it.  There is a catch 22 for you!

I'll bite the bullet later today and fill out the thing.  And try mightily to not think of it again or be self conscious while I answer the questions.  And my form is one of sixteen and not important in the higher scheme of things.  But it's speech, and I want my intentions to be helpful and honest.  It's not a lie detector test or a result that will change anyone's life.  But the pressure, oh, the pressure.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just had a nice getaway with a friend, looking at art with a Road Scholar program.  Lots of right speech from others in the group and between my friend and I, and a smattering of wrong speech noticed and noted.  There was one individual who, as my friend said, didn't have her filters, and she was inappropriately interrupting and drawing attention to herself and criticizing others.  My friend and I just tried to give her a wide berth, but without obviously avoiding her.  The last dinner together she announced I didn't look Indian, and I replied she must have not gone to many powwows, and she insisted she knew what an Indian looked like because her brother-in-law was Indian.  I told her if it felt better to her she didn't have to believe I was Indian.  Then she proceeded to tell me all about Indians of the Northeast, and I listened politely until the subject was changed.

Why engage?  We're all seniors, and I'm not going to change her options or behavior.  I decided to think it was funny.  But she was one of 17 people, so really, what did it matter?  Clearly, she was desperate to hog the attention, and somehow managed to corral one of the group to push her wheelchair at each and every museum.  I felt sorry for the kindhearted woman, but she said it was fine.  What should have happened, in my opinion, was that our group leader asked each of us to do an hour so that nobody bore the responsibility that was not part of the program.  But I stayed out of it, and had a drink with the "pusher " several times when we returned from a museum when she asked. 

Another woman decided to be an expert lecturer, even though we had professors give us talks and docent us through museums.  I felt irritation arising, and judgment, but I worked to keep letting it go.  And I admit, she had some interesting things to say, it was just fatiguing to sit there for  the regular lecturers and then listen to her two cents as well.  

But my own behavior is my only business, and I handled the minor irritations without flaming anything up into strong reactions or feelings.  I give me a B.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Right speech this week is for me expressing great gratitude to the hospital, friends, family and all persons involved in the birth of our grandson.  His mother labored for 30 hours without drugs, his dad right there beside her and two doulas plus the hospital staff her village.  Many friends supported her mother and my husband and I as we waited and then shared our joy at the safe birth.

I gave flowers to the hospital staff today and to my daughter-in-law and son on their heroic labor.  I wanted to give flowers to the whole world!  I'm exhausted, but so very grateful to have been a part of this experience of life affirming triumph. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We have a celebrity culture, one that appears to have children and teens aspiring to their five minutes of fame.  They watch television and see people like themselves on reality shows, in the news, and dominating the landscape of violence.  The easiest route to celebrity seems to pick up a gun and hurt enough people to grab some attention.  You might die in the process, but these kids don't really understand death, either of themselves or others.  Because they see so much death on cop shows, in violent movies and on the news, it loses its sting.  Somehow it doesn't occur to them they will not be watching themselves on the news, at least most of them.  The Charleston gunman will. 

Why do we idolize this kind of fame/infamy?  Those of us who are erased and lonely may feel we are expressing our existence.  We see ourselves as champions of a cause.  Somehow heroism is skewed to be gunning down defenseless people. 

We know it would help if these sick individuals were not able to watch so much violence, and access websites that advocate hate and violence.  But the internet has made control of all kinds of pornography and hatred easy.  We are beyond parental controls, when kids can go next door or to the library to see what they cannot at home. 

We know that lack of access to weapons would help.  Let's pass some gun control legislation.  

We can offer alternatives for kids.  They would rather be seen and listened to for the most part than sulk isolated in their rooms.  After school programs, mentorships, sports guidance, clubs, and counseling can make a difference.  And they might just change the kids' ideas of what feels good and who they are.  They want to be visible.  They want friends.  Real friends who they see face to face not on a website.  Make it happen.  Speak up and then listen to them. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My son practiced right speech by calling me last night the minute the midwife had done the stress test on the baby.  All was well, and they will schedule inducing the baby Thursday or Friday if he's not come out on his own by then.  They have an appointment with their doctor Wednesday.  So with all that and my daughter-in-law's mother with them, I'm reassured and confident the baby will be born this week.  If I'd called, I would have been afraid I was pressuring them or conveying worry.  His thoughtfulness eased my mind greatly. 

Keeping in touch is really important at certain times:  big events like a wedding or birth, after tension or conflict, during health issues, and when you know not knowing is stressful.  It's the kind and caring thing to do.  It does take a village, and the village needs to be kept informed.  I know I appreciate being in the loop, and I've tried to keep the people who are supporting me through this birthing process up to date.  I like to get the updates and birthday photos and reports of the first day of kindergarten.  I want to hear about health problems and share worry and concern.  Otherwise we're on separate planets, and it feels lonely. 

So today I'm optimistic and excited again, and imagining that little fellow in my arms.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm in this strange position of friends waiting for news of my grandchild's arrival, so they aren't bugging me and I have no plans with them.  I'm kind of isolated, because now it is my daughter-in-law's mother who is there with them, and we are outside the loop, in a way.  I have no activities planned, as we'd expected to be helping out, and I feel I should wait to contact people until I have baby news.  I'm anxious, as the days go on, and would be so relieved if the little fellow would arrive.  I've distracted myself about as much as I am able, and when friends do contact me they have advice which I cannot pass on, because I don't want more pressure on the couple.  They have a doula, a doctor and now mom there, and all my relaying advice would do is add to stress.  At least I know that.  I have that much sense.

Now the pressure I feel is nothing compared to the impending parents, and I'm sending tonglen to them in my prayers.  This is a momentous time and event.  I can see my daughter-in-law is tired and worn from the anticipation, and the responsibility.  She's being so brave and upbeat, but now wakes up at four am each morning.  It's time, or almost time at least.  I'm powerless to ease them, but I'm trying to ease myself as much as possible.  And it's challenging.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I visited our son and his wife.  They are overdue with their first baby, and being pressured by their doctor to be induced.  My daughter-in-law feels they had the due date wrong and that her real due date was yesterday.  They have been warned about the danger of waiting until 41 weeks, and at 42 weeks there is danger of stillbirth.  They are assaulted by words and percentages and it must be so difficult for them.  Tomorrow her mother flies out, so hopefully she'll been comforted by her, as she is a physical therapist and in the medical world.  I could only listen to what they were feeling and ask a few questions.  My first three children were quite late, and nobody worried about it in those days.  The last was a week early.  They were all fine, the labors were short and sweet and I needed no drugs.  But birthing nowadays is a different culture, and I can't say I understand it.  I am feeling fearful because the doctor is so insistent, and, of course, at my age I've heard horror stories and every kind of story possible.  I'm confused.  Birth gets really scary if you think about it too much, which I am now doing.  I'm going to pray for them, as I have been.  I will calm myself, because getting stressed is not helpful to them.  This is their show, and it will unfold however it will.