Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been thinking recently of all the speech one ought to keep to oneself.  Yesterday, my husband was complaining about this and that, all trivial, and I stopped him and asked if he'd wanted to go out to brunch so he could list all the things he's dissatisfied about.  I told him if that was the case then I was getting up and walking home.  Some speech needs to be kept private, or censored and if he thought I was the dumping ground for bad thoughts I did not want to be quite that convenient.  I believe in courtesy even between spouses.  I do not want or need to know ALL his thoughts.  Speech between spouses can get pretty sloppy, but after all, what better practice field than showing respect and caution about what one says aloud?

This pouring out of raw data to spouses is dangerous, because it leaves the other stuck with the words and his/her reactions to those thoughts often better not spoken.  The idea that "we two become one" is a catastrophe.  You're still separate individuals who need to keep up the etiquette even more carefully than with anyone else, if you're serious about a life long commitment.  The eroding of respect for each other is often followed by decrease in fondness.  So take care with those you love the best:  they are no dumping ground for impulsive and unwise feelings and thoughts.  Keep some stuff to yourself or write it down and burn it.  Otherwise you risk your relationship over a bit of carelessness.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday was a baby shower for my daughter-in-law and lots of right speech occurred.  People are kind and gentle when engaged in such a happy event.  And my daughter-in-law has the benefit not only of the party and baby gifts, but all the lovely words with which she was showered.  She stayed  quite a while after, and I could see her basking in the love and support.  It was sweet that a cousin was there with her nine month old baby, showing just how delightful motherhood is going to be.  This little boy was babbling and communicating right speech:  I'm happy, delighted with the world, and I love all these women paying attention to me!  His words were crystal clear.

It's been an event filled year for me:  my younger daughter's wedding, a big birthday celebration for my granddaughter at seven, several friends and myself turning 70, a birth coming in September, a trip with my best friend in October, and my eye needing medical treatment.  Everything compresses together as you get older, and all these events take some savoring effort before they're gone.  And the words, the words linger, of love, support, gratitude, care and kindness.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been trying to correct an order on Amazon, but I'm stuck.  There is no phone number, and the prompts online are not helping.  This is when I'd like an old fashioned human being to talk to.  It's so frustrating and wastes so much time when really, the glitch is theirs, but it's up to me to figure it out.  I've gotten a suggestion from my son, so I guess I'll try his idea.

Communication online has it's downside.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a mammogram this morning and the technician really hurt me trying to get me situated.  It was so painful, and yet I forced myself to thank her at the end.  I am grateful for the technology, and I know she was well intentioned.  Maybe unskilled, but not sadistic.  It was not a pleasant experience, and I found myself teary at the end, thinking of what my daughter and friends of mine have gone through with breast cancer.

I could complain, but perhaps the pain serves a purpose.  If it does not, then I've made a mistake not to speak up for other women.  It was a close call, but I opted to assume the best and not get an employee in trouble.  I may feel differently later.  To speak or not to speak, that is the question.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've already talked to my accountant taking care of my brother's tax returns.  Talk about wrong speech and miscommunication - try contacting the IRS.  Thank goodness I have him to try to straighten things out.  And then I called the title company for closing my brother's house and though she was chipper enough, she sounded eight years old and did not address my question at all.  Hopefully, the closing will go through despite lack of communication.

This will be funny, but not for another year or so. 

Soon no communication will be the norm, and I can move on from the grief and headache of my brother's death and his possessions and think of other things.  I've had some great ideas from my family about memorials to my brother, and that bit of business is where I'd like to place my focus.  But it's good I didn't do anything right away, because before I was thinking of rehab facilities and now I am going to put his money where his passions lay:  animal shelters, opera, classical music, a bench along a lake he knew well.  He had many joys and enthusiasms, and they represent him more positively and truthfully than his problems.  The bench would be a place where we could come and remember him and the good times we had when he was alive.

Closure.  I'm not sure how much honesty is in that term, but at least the time is here for settling his affairs and not allowing his death to swallow me up any longer.  Soon there will be only memories, not accounts and checks and distribution.  I'm ready.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today my Tibetan teacher talked about our bodies, and how we suffer when we don't respect them and hold them sacred.  That got me thinking about words we use to describe our bodies:  the relentless "I'm fat"s and "I'm a dog"s.  We denigrate ourselves and not only alone but in front of others.  We do the constant comparing:  a veritable nest of vipers.  And the culture comes to our aid to correct our defects:  makeup, diets, antiaging creams, cosmetic surgery, wigs, camoflage clothes.  We could be perfect if only we'd buy, buy buy. 

I made a promise to myself long ago to not criticize myself, or even think about the face and body in the mirror too hard.  I watch what I eat and exercise for health reasons, and I take care of my skin to ward off skin cancer, and I am careful about clothes and shoes I can walk in.  I like wearing earrings and enjoy shopping for my pleasure, but I don't attempt to match the covers of magazines.  Jamie Lee Curtis years ago did all us gals a great service by having herself photographed without the makeup and tricks that convince us she looks better than us.  We'd look as good if we had seven assistants working their magic.  I appreciate her bravery.  We now know that magazines use body doubles, as do films, and with technology create a lie for the public to believe. 

Cooperating with those who make money off our insecurities is self defeating.  Speaking harshly about ourselves is ingratitude for the amazing bodies we possess.  Tearing ourselves down is cruel and, unfortunately, usual punishment.  Speak kindly to and about your body.  It is your life, and it is uniquely yours.  Treasure it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've had two weeks in the mountains, and little need for speech.  I find I'm quieter as I get older, and would rather listen than speak.  I'm a better listener than I used to be.  On the occasions when speaking was the order of the day, I did well, because I was relaxed.  Nowadays, there is nothing I feel I have to prove - no credentials to present.  I see others making great effort to define themselves, and I have no similar urge.  I just want the moment, the connection, but fresh, without background.  I have many long term friends to whom I need no introduction, and others can think what they want of me.  I'm not trying to control my image any more.  It's very freeing.

So now as I enter a week when I will have many interactions and a baby shower to host, I feel ready to keep  myself balanced and open.  This getting away is a gift, and I deeply appreciate it.