Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We're going to wine country today to take my cousin out to lunch and wine taste.  He's quite a talker, as am I, so my husband has requested he get a word in edgewise.  I've promised.  I know my right speech falls by the wayside when I am with certain people, and I'm a fast talker to boot.  My husband speaks slowly and pauses in the middle of every sentence, which maddens most people and results in their interrupting him.  I don't like overprotecting him, as it's his issue to address, but I will not be guilty of such insensitivity myself.  He also is more comfortable with monologue than dialogue, and that hurts his cause as well.  But he's asked me and I'm going to respect his wishes.

I think out loud, so I sometimes forget that listening has it's benefits as well.  I already know more or less what I think, but listening, I could LEARN something.  What a concept!  I grew up in a family of verbal bulldozers, and have had to tamp myself down ever since I realized how overwhelming I can be to others.  In my family of origin, it was my mother who lost out in verbal battles, as she wasn't as quick tongued and sharp as the rest of us.  When I grew up, I felt guilty for my participation in such argumentative "talks" and I've tried to curb myself ever since.  So I feel for my husband:  I wouldn't want to try to get a word in with my family either.  I'm going to behave.  And I'm bringing duct tape along for my mouth just in case.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I have a friend who changes her mind a lot.  And I never learn.  She says she wants to meet for a movie and we iron out all the details and thirty minutes before I'm leaving, having been accommodating with my own preferred time, she changes the time, the day, or something.  I don't exactly know how to frame a question which is roughly, "Are you sure this is going to work for you, really, really sure, because I don't appreciate sudden changes at the last minute?"  So what I do is cowardly:  I make excuses the next couple of times she calls, because I don't trust the details.  I had a long term friend like this who has now deceased, and I finally got up the nerve to say, "I don't want to go to movies with you, as you're always late and we miss the beginning and it drives me nuts".  We continued to see each other, but no movies.  We also did not plan events that required a ticket, due to the late gene, and I usually picked her up from work for lunch and brought her back.  That way she was a captive to her own lunch break and couldn't really be too late getting back.  I loved her, but I respected her limits.  Timeliness was not a real possibility for her.

This friend has good reasons for canceling and changing.  But still, there is a pattern here.  I now know not to agree to something unless I really, really want to go and can call up alternate transportation.  Luckily, I'm almost always driving, so I can just go by myself.  I am perhaps a bit anal about joint plans.  My friend no doubt wakes up and sees what she fancies today, then switches plans on a whim, or not feeling tip top or a hunch.  There is no commitment.  She loves me, but everything in her world is negotiable.  She's loosey goosey.  I'm an organizer.  Despite our differences, we had fun when we do actually end up at the same place at the same time.  So I guess the talk can wait.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just finished listening to Anam Thubten's live broadcast.  I was going to drive there but the time change and a late night got to me.  His words inspire and uphold me.  He was speaking this morning about our natural desire for existence and fear of death.  He described a universe where everything wishes to live, and to me that image is so uplifting.  Yes, we value our mortal lives.  When we don't, as in the case of my brother, it is a kind of perversion of life force.  Our spirit becomes so wounded we see ahead only suffering.  It was my brother's choice to die at the moment he did, but it was not who he was.  He was a life force, funny, interested in so many things, curious and loving.  I don't know how he traveled so far from himself, but I believe he was mentally wounded, and not his true nature, but his sickness of some sort, estranged him from himself and his Buddha nature.  I'm so sad about that, but not responsible.  He always had my love and knew it.  But he needed self love, and somehow he lost it.

I appreciate every moment here on earth, including the birds chattering outside right now, the challenges I face getting older, the inevitable death that could come swiftly or slowly.  I treasure right now.  And I'm treasuring it for my brother as well.  Because he's in my heart.

Last night we went to a concert with pianist Murray Perriera.  He was glorious, and the music sublime.  He played Bach, Hayden, Beethoven, Franck and Chopin.  It felt to me like he was expressing life force and the beauty of our existence in this universe.  His joy permeated the hall.  Ode to Life the concert might have been called.  I wish my brother could have heard it, as he loved music so much.  I heard it for him.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm already thinking ahead to when our Buddhist study group meets for the last time.  Our teacher will explain her decision, and we will respond lovingly and tenderly, for we have been expecting this for some time.  We've all been worried about her driving here, and no one came up with a feasable alternative.  I'm thinking I want to write something down ahead and polish it a bit to give it to her, so that I include all my gratitude and appreciation and don't leave anything out.  Careful speech.  And even in the emails so far, we've all spoken of our sadness.  Things change.  But knowing so doesn't make things easier.

Magic words like "gratitude" help keep me focused on what is true and right.  This teacher transformed my life and the lives of everyone I've touched.  My behavior has altered and my mind as well.  My heart is wide open because of her guidance.  Another word that comes to mind is "blessing", because her coming into my life feels entirely like an act of grace.  And her ordinary humanity showed me the way to walk the path, fall off, get on again, and continue, no matter my mistakes and distractions.  Yes, I believe I will write an open letter to her.  So that she and all her family and friends will have my testimony now, not later.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I received a message from my Buddhist study group yesterday.  Our teacher of many years is retiring, as she has health issues and can no longer make the trip.  We are attempting to meet one last time.  It's been on the horizon for some time, but still.  It's an ending.  A time for gratitude and expressing our deep love and concern for our teacher.  The email responses are generous, loving and helpful.  We've learned our right speech at her knee.  Some of us have new teachers and are keeping up our practice and doing retreats, and others will be seeking a new meditation center and new guidance.  I'm fortunate I found another teacher over three years ago, and he is close enough to drive to on Sundays.  I also have friends in that sangha now.  I feel for the study group members who will now have to search for someone to witness their practice.  But I have the utmost faith in their wisdom and practice.

This is one of those beyond words kind of moments.  So much memory is called up and emotion is high.  My love for this teacher is boundless.  But as we age, our needs and abilities change, and she has been our teacher in that as well.  She's ten years older than I am.  She's forged the path ahead for all of us.  Her courage and resilience is extraordinary.  She shines as an example of groundedness and compassion.  Her words will live beyond her and all of us, because we've used her as the model in our interactions in our own lives.  Bless her and her next steps in her path.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've spent a hunk of the morning talking to people about my brother's estate and house, and also trying to get clear information about treatment for my skin cancer.  I'd say the dermatologist's office was on a demand to know basis, as first I had to know from others what questions to ask, and then they were forthright, but not until I point blank asked a specific question.  Now I'm trying to be referred to a specialist, per my doctor friends' advice, and the whole process will take longer and that causes anxiety for me.  If I'd gotten on this two weeks ago - but I was swimming in wedding events.  Oh, well, I'm doing what I can when I can.  But I've learned a lesson about what information is withheld.  If I hadn't had doctor friends I'd not have understood my options and the ramifications. 

So I learn yet again that I must be my own advocate, or as the Buddha said, be my own protector.  I must fight for me.  I need to sort out the chaos of verbage and hear what was not said.  I need to seek second and third opinions.  At least my gut instinct felt that something was wrong.  That led me to ask people's opinions and seek answers.  But the doctor's office is a place often of doublespeak.  And that's not right.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, things are getting back to normal after the rehearsal dinner, wedding and brunch.  I dropped the last two of my pals off at different airports yesterday.  My cousin is still here and we're doing something with him Saturday, but now is a reflecting, resting, and catching up time.  On the whole, there was a lot of right speech.  People were friendly, supportive and kind.  The vows were perfect and the toasts and other public pronouncements quite lovely. 

Now I am having things I witnessed in the rush surface, and I am able to notice and reflect.  The little moments that get lost in the rush, but now my mind resurrects.  The look on my granddaughters' faces when they got to hold the bride's bouquet.  The hug of an old friend and the love on the faces of the bride and groom.  The dance floor with all my friends swirling and goofing off.  My daughter's best friend's toast of her.  The flowers of hydrangea and tulips and roses.  It's a dilaphenous cloud of magic. 

Today I talked to the real estate agent selling my brother's house, the estate sale man and the lawyer's secretary.  Earth to Paula.  But it's all nicely buffered by the wedding events and my friends' support and my children's and grandchildren's happiness.  Ah.................