I want to ask someone to take the wedding video so we have the video without the thousands of dollars a professional charges. We have a photographer, but she doesn't do video. It's a sticky situation, speechwise. I'm asking the friend to do this for free. I need to be honest, but also explain without seeming to toady up to him, that it would be a favor. I'm very nervous, and I'm very afraid of offending him.
He's so nice that I fear he'd do it and then maybe resent my asking. I know, that's minding his mindstream, but I can't help it. I have trouble asking for favors and this is a big one. I think I'd better begin the conversation with what I'm wanting him to do, then praise his photographic abilities, which I genuinely admire, then make sure he has an easy out if it doesn't appeal to him. I also need an injection so I can ask without running screaming from the room. Okay, so I have a little problem. But lately, I've been getting the balance wrong when asking friends for a favor, and there are a lot of favors around this wedding.
This wedding is a test of my nerve, and coupled (no pun intended) with going for the hearing in Texas and all the hiring and organizing and planning out there, I'm on overload. All my courage has drained out like a leaky oil can. And I probably can't expect the Medal of Honor or Purple Heart. This is secret bravery that no one but me knows. I guess the good thing is when I flub up, no one will be a witness, except for the people I've asked who are perhaps never quite as friendly again. Oh, dear, I'm talking myself out of it again, aren't I?
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Tuesday, January 6, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
Ah, though miscommunications still abound, I believe I have a hearing date for Texas. I'm going to trust that my lawyer can handle and straighten out all messes. I know I can't. He seems very even tempered and calm. He has that great slow southern Texas drawl. I was born in Texas, so his voice is music to my ears. Talk about right speech! The man knows how to soothe.
I am going to trust I can do my part to reassure and calm all parties I have to deal with: bank, insurance, real estate person, estate sale person, neighbors, and on and on. On step at a time. Speak, pause, speak again, and LISTEN. Take notes so I know I really heard what I thought I heard.
Communication nirvana, here I come!
I am going to trust I can do my part to reassure and calm all parties I have to deal with: bank, insurance, real estate person, estate sale person, neighbors, and on and on. On step at a time. Speak, pause, speak again, and LISTEN. Take notes so I know I really heard what I thought I heard.
Communication nirvana, here I come!
Monday, January 5, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I just received an email from a childhood friend who was supposed to notarize an affidavit for the hearing in Texas. They are doing it today, but when we met here I thought I'd made it clear how urgent it was, and I assumed they'd do it when they returned to Texas on the 27th. I thought I stated everything politely but with ample explanation of why I needed the hearing. Right speech is the combination of politeness, gratefulness and clarity, and somehow I got the mix wrong.
When you ask a favor of someone, you are at the mercy of their timeline and priorities. That's right and fair, but sometimes so frustrating. I'd asked a friend to house a friend for my daughter's wedding, and last week I realized she thought she had not said yes, I had understood that she agreed, and in fact, she really didn't want to do it. It was a big favor, but I assumed she felt she owed me a favor or two, and other than putting my friend up, I was not asking for meals or transportation or anything else. Now I have to find someone else to take in my friend. Either I heard wrong, misstated myself or, as sometimes happens, she really didn't like the idea but didn't know how to say no.
This will keep happening to me throughout the wedding planning and the actual event. I try to be prepared, but mostly what gets misunderstood is a surprise, something you're not expecting. So I should expect surprises, adjustments at the last minute, and some begging and pleading to be necessary. I'm terribly shy about asking for help, so the whole process is challenging for me. I'm going to attempt to keep my sense of humor intact and remember the world won't end, and perfection cannot be achieved, no matter the effort. My daughter is having to learn this as well, as I don't believe she realized how many details there are for a wedding and how relentlessly you have to keep on top of the process. She was frazzled last night, and I felt bad for her and didn't sleep well, but this snowball is rolling downhill no matter what we do to slow it down. At the end will be a lovely wedding and tears and joy. But first, a bit of craziness and a dollop of frustration.
When you ask a favor of someone, you are at the mercy of their timeline and priorities. That's right and fair, but sometimes so frustrating. I'd asked a friend to house a friend for my daughter's wedding, and last week I realized she thought she had not said yes, I had understood that she agreed, and in fact, she really didn't want to do it. It was a big favor, but I assumed she felt she owed me a favor or two, and other than putting my friend up, I was not asking for meals or transportation or anything else. Now I have to find someone else to take in my friend. Either I heard wrong, misstated myself or, as sometimes happens, she really didn't like the idea but didn't know how to say no.
This will keep happening to me throughout the wedding planning and the actual event. I try to be prepared, but mostly what gets misunderstood is a surprise, something you're not expecting. So I should expect surprises, adjustments at the last minute, and some begging and pleading to be necessary. I'm terribly shy about asking for help, so the whole process is challenging for me. I'm going to attempt to keep my sense of humor intact and remember the world won't end, and perfection cannot be achieved, no matter the effort. My daughter is having to learn this as well, as I don't believe she realized how many details there are for a wedding and how relentlessly you have to keep on top of the process. She was frazzled last night, and I felt bad for her and didn't sleep well, but this snowball is rolling downhill no matter what we do to slow it down. At the end will be a lovely wedding and tears and joy. But first, a bit of craziness and a dollop of frustration.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
My Buddhist teacher has stated that the worst habit is comparing oneself with others. Certainly, it is the road to wrong speech. Several weeks ago neighbors stopped to talk to me and the lady stated that her daughter was getting married before mine, as if she had won a contest. It disconcerted me, because I'd never imagined there was any competition between us, as she acts superior to me in every interaction. I was surprised she'd bother to make a comparison, or think I would feel any envy or need to "win" over her in any way. We rarely see each other, and she usually gives me orders, or tries to, when she speaks to me. Was she more insecure than she appears? I had a moment of compassion for her. If she needs to one up me, she is terribly uncertain of herself. So I lightly wished her daughter happiness and went on my way.
But it's not that simple. She's a doctor, wealthy, with lots of achievements and prestige. Perhaps I would have compared myself if I saw us as similar, but I just consider us having completely different values. But it made me realize that a lot of the tall tales of my brother probably resulted from his being 2 3/4 years younger and wanting to do something first, or appear to be successful. When I published a book he said he'd written 50. I had 4 children, he had six. A recent one: he had start up companies that were worth billions (I'm not sure why he wanted to compete with me professionally, as I was a lowly adjunct professor of English and earned a pittance), but that shows the escalation and craziness of comparing. I wrote him back and congratulated him on his success. But it made me so sad.
Comparison separates us from each other and sets us against each other in a vicious duality that harms relationships. Most people are innocent: they built their sense of self on false values and have to keep proving their are worthy. Some of us feel unique and uncomparable, as my teacher described hamanity. We respect our differences, knowing underneath we all have access to the same Buddha nature, and that is the source of our sense of well being. If you love and respect yourself, comparisons seem bizarre.
But it's not that simple. She's a doctor, wealthy, with lots of achievements and prestige. Perhaps I would have compared myself if I saw us as similar, but I just consider us having completely different values. But it made me realize that a lot of the tall tales of my brother probably resulted from his being 2 3/4 years younger and wanting to do something first, or appear to be successful. When I published a book he said he'd written 50. I had 4 children, he had six. A recent one: he had start up companies that were worth billions (I'm not sure why he wanted to compete with me professionally, as I was a lowly adjunct professor of English and earned a pittance), but that shows the escalation and craziness of comparing. I wrote him back and congratulated him on his success. But it made me so sad.
Comparison separates us from each other and sets us against each other in a vicious duality that harms relationships. Most people are innocent: they built their sense of self on false values and have to keep proving their are worthy. Some of us feel unique and uncomparable, as my teacher described hamanity. We respect our differences, knowing underneath we all have access to the same Buddha nature, and that is the source of our sense of well being. If you love and respect yourself, comparisons seem bizarre.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I don't make New Year's resolutions any more, partly because I'm hopeless at keeping them, but mainly because I've taken my Buddhist vows, which are challenging enough. I have guidelines to keep me busy for the rest of my life. Right speech alone is so very complicated, and you add into the mix: not lying, not killing, not stealing, not misusing sexuality, not becoming intoxicated, not slandering, not being possessive, not harboring ill will, not praising self at the expense of others and not disparaging the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha, and you are one busy gal.
I do try to greet the new year with gratitude, and awe at the continuation of my life. I pause to feel my blessings, which are many. Now today my Aunt Hazel died, at 92, and I'm feeling what a gentle, kind person she was, how sweet to me always, how lucky she and we were that she was on this earth a good long time, and what lovely memories I have of her. When my mother, brother and I would take the train back to Missouri to see her enormous family, I would either stay with my cousin Delores, who was twelve years older and married at 18, and in quick succession had three children. I was a kind of mother's helper and worked on the farm while I visited. But other times I stayed with my Aunt Hazel and Uncle Wyeth, who had four kids, two girls and two boys. I worshiped the girls, slightly older than myself, and everyone made me feel welcome. Is it any wonder that when I grew up I had two boys and two girls, like Delores and Aunt Hazel? I loved the kindness and calm in those families, and wished to model my own on theirs.
Aunt Hazel won't be around for 2015, and none of us knows what fate has in store for us. The lesson: enjoy our precious time here and notice all the blessings we receive. Today, I am grateful for Aunt Hazel in my life.
I do try to greet the new year with gratitude, and awe at the continuation of my life. I pause to feel my blessings, which are many. Now today my Aunt Hazel died, at 92, and I'm feeling what a gentle, kind person she was, how sweet to me always, how lucky she and we were that she was on this earth a good long time, and what lovely memories I have of her. When my mother, brother and I would take the train back to Missouri to see her enormous family, I would either stay with my cousin Delores, who was twelve years older and married at 18, and in quick succession had three children. I was a kind of mother's helper and worked on the farm while I visited. But other times I stayed with my Aunt Hazel and Uncle Wyeth, who had four kids, two girls and two boys. I worshiped the girls, slightly older than myself, and everyone made me feel welcome. Is it any wonder that when I grew up I had two boys and two girls, like Delores and Aunt Hazel? I loved the kindness and calm in those families, and wished to model my own on theirs.
Aunt Hazel won't be around for 2015, and none of us knows what fate has in store for us. The lesson: enjoy our precious time here and notice all the blessings we receive. Today, I am grateful for Aunt Hazel in my life.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I'm working on a blessing for our daughter's wedding. Right speech is important, as part of a ceremony to send them off on their life together and wish them well. What to include? I've worked up a draft that describes their qualities and compatibilities. A dash of humor is always nice. A bit of advice, no doubt on deaf ears, is a good inclusion. And some sense of them being part of a larger, hopeful renewal and movement towards engagement with others and the universe in which we live.
I know. It's a tall order. That's why I'm beginning now. Today I thought of a poem by Jo Harjo that would be lovely, but then it's not quite appropriate. There is an Apache blessing I love that might be squeezed in:
May the sun bring you new energy by day,
May the moon softly restore you by night.
Maay the rain wash away your worries,
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.
I want them to both know they are supported by their family and community, so this venture is a not a solo flight. I hope they feel the interconnectedness of all of us and swing like two kids in a hammock, held gently, but safely, by all of us.
I know. It's a tall order. That's why I'm beginning now. Today I thought of a poem by Jo Harjo that would be lovely, but then it's not quite appropriate. There is an Apache blessing I love that might be squeezed in:
May the sun bring you new energy by day,
May the moon softly restore you by night.
Maay the rain wash away your worries,
May the breeze blow new strength into your being.
May you walk gently through the world and know
its beauty all the days of your life.
I want them to both know they are supported by their family and community, so this venture is a not a solo flight. I hope they feel the interconnectedness of all of us and swing like two kids in a hammock, held gently, but safely, by all of us.
Thursday, January 1, 2015
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I watched the Rose Bowl Parade on TV this morning. I love that parade. The floats are amazing, the bands dazzling, the horses spectacular, and the day is always sunny, though this year it was cold for California, in the thirties. Many years ago we drove down with the kids and saw it live, and it was so much fun. Okay, what does this have to do with right speech, correct? Well, I'm about to make it work.
This year's parade honorary Grand Marshal was Louis Zamperini, though he died in July. The guy in Laura Hillebrand's "Unbroken". His family rode in the Grand Marshall's car. The theme for the parade was the inspiration of his life, and thus the parade honored veterans, immigrants, those who've suffered post traumatic stress , athletes, those who persevere through life's struggles and challenges. In a way, it was about the silent, unvoiced millions who make our lives richer and inspire us, but who are ordinary, every day neighbors, friends and family members.
At the very end of the parade, they honored a recent young veteran who has the Purple Heart, by giving him and his wife and son a brand new house. I admit it, I cried. Because we know he's struggled, we know his family has suffered, we know he is one of the invisible ones who have inherent nobility and who suffer for their sacrifices without complaining or making a fuss.
Right speech is honoring the quiet ones, the modest people who go the extra mile because it's the right thing to do. Happy New Year. Speak about your heroes during 20115. Show your gratitude and appreciation.
This year's parade honorary Grand Marshal was Louis Zamperini, though he died in July. The guy in Laura Hillebrand's "Unbroken". His family rode in the Grand Marshall's car. The theme for the parade was the inspiration of his life, and thus the parade honored veterans, immigrants, those who've suffered post traumatic stress , athletes, those who persevere through life's struggles and challenges. In a way, it was about the silent, unvoiced millions who make our lives richer and inspire us, but who are ordinary, every day neighbors, friends and family members.
At the very end of the parade, they honored a recent young veteran who has the Purple Heart, by giving him and his wife and son a brand new house. I admit it, I cried. Because we know he's struggled, we know his family has suffered, we know he is one of the invisible ones who have inherent nobility and who suffer for their sacrifices without complaining or making a fuss.
Right speech is honoring the quiet ones, the modest people who go the extra mile because it's the right thing to do. Happy New Year. Speak about your heroes during 20115. Show your gratitude and appreciation.
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