There is right speech for all sentient beings. Most people observe that cats and dogs and horses and other domesticated animals respond to human speech. It may be tone more than the words, although many animals have at least a small human vocabulary. We modulate our voices depending on whether we are trying to effect their behavior, or soothe them or engage them fondly. Hearing an animal called a negative term is painful. If I have to discipline the dogs, a firm no, leave it or drop it suffices in most cases. I don't want to humiliate them, any more than I would a child or a friend.
Most animals know if you are ridiculing them or rejecting them. It's true that cats often sit on the lap of the person who dislikes them the most, but then cats have a dark sense of humor. Dogs often try to get you to change your mind: "I know you're upset that I ate the meatloaf on the counter, but look at how I can throw the ball for myself. Ain't I cute?" They think licking your bare legs is appealing to you.
You can beat down an animal literally, or you can do it with verbal abuse, just as with humans. They are social beings, as we are, and often we isolate them from their own kind and then don't make the effort to make it up to them.
When I went to the summer retreat at Yvonne's place, the property next to hers had a lone horse. It made me sad. The owners were seldom there and the horse was fenced in away from everyone. I spoke of it to her in one interview, and the next time she saw me she said she'd spoken to the owner and the horse had been moved to a pasture with other horses. Yvonne advocated for a being that has trouble communicating with humans. Now that's what I call right speech.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
Monday, October 6, 2014
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I shouldn't even bring up this topic, as the examples are endless, but President Obama's labeling ISIL "evil" a few days ago echoed George Bush's "axis of evil" in eery ways. I don't want to debate the meaning of the word evil or whether there is evil in the world. Personally, I think there is that kind of darkness as a part of human existence. There are people who's DNA is damaged and there also seem to be people undamaged but choosing to embrace darkness and even experiencing pleasure when doing so.
But for a leader, whose power is great, to speak in dualities is unwise. If there would ever be hope of dialogue, then such language does it's utmost to kill that hope. Demonizing the other sets us on the path of conflict.
Yes, the other has often spoken inflamatory words first. But they triumph when immitate them as we speak in a way that shuts down recognition that the other is human, that situations and circumstances change, and we really need to keep the door open, not closed.
What if the President had said, "This terrible harming of innocents breaks our hearts. Our compassion goes out to their families, and to the families of the people who commit these acts. We pray we will see a way to dialogue and peace. We want to embrace a path that gives respect to all human beings, encourages them to have a voice, and practice compassion for all suffering"
Sounds too much like the Dalai Lama? Well, I'm not sure I think I can sound too much like the Dalai Lama and I'd be quite happy if our leader took a few lessons. Don't speak out of rage, speak when you are calm and centered. Don't demonize. First help those who are victims and their families. Move the focus away from the violent actors and on the people who suffer because of them. Take the beheading videos off as much as possible. Don't allow this on our TV. Respect the victims. Let's just try that approach. Set a different example of standing firmly for kindness and compassion. Let's walk that path because it's the right thing to do. It begins with choosing the right words.
But for a leader, whose power is great, to speak in dualities is unwise. If there would ever be hope of dialogue, then such language does it's utmost to kill that hope. Demonizing the other sets us on the path of conflict.
Yes, the other has often spoken inflamatory words first. But they triumph when immitate them as we speak in a way that shuts down recognition that the other is human, that situations and circumstances change, and we really need to keep the door open, not closed.
What if the President had said, "This terrible harming of innocents breaks our hearts. Our compassion goes out to their families, and to the families of the people who commit these acts. We pray we will see a way to dialogue and peace. We want to embrace a path that gives respect to all human beings, encourages them to have a voice, and practice compassion for all suffering"
Sounds too much like the Dalai Lama? Well, I'm not sure I think I can sound too much like the Dalai Lama and I'd be quite happy if our leader took a few lessons. Don't speak out of rage, speak when you are calm and centered. Don't demonize. First help those who are victims and their families. Move the focus away from the violent actors and on the people who suffer because of them. Take the beheading videos off as much as possible. Don't allow this on our TV. Respect the victims. Let's just try that approach. Set a different example of standing firmly for kindness and compassion. Let's walk that path because it's the right thing to do. It begins with choosing the right words.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
One of my many struggles with right speech is waiting to speak until asked. I have enough opinions for a small village, and sometimes they just want to bubble out of me. However, that urge is not really communication, and it can turn off the path and become minding someone's else's mindstream, lecturing, and blowing off steam. These habits of mine are best done when no one else is in the room. Lecturing is a leftover of teaching junior college. I was sometimes attempting to inject opinions and caring into students with neither. It never was successful, but that didn't stop me.
Minding someone else's mindstream is tempting, because anyone else's mind feels more interesting than my own, and looking into my own mind can be quite distressing. False feelings of control bloom wildly when I think I know what's best for another or even what they're thinking. It's reassuring but extremely deluded. The arrogance is shocking, and of course, I absolutely hate it when someone else tries to tell me what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't even like the question to be asked. Oh, dear, well, back to my own mindstream, if I must.
Blowing off steam, if I recognize that is where I'm headed, needs no witnesses, or should I say, victims. I can talk to myself, write an email and erase it, write a letter and burn it, punch pillows or, my favorite, eat popcorn. As long as I'm not harming anyone else, it's an outlet, and it can be a shortcut to the longed for cool-down, then calm sitting to see if there is an issue I really need to address with another, or I need to figure out how not to be in a similar situation again. Rational thought has it's place here.
There's an impulsivity at work here that doesn't work for me, not in the kind of situations where I can feel steam arising. I'm the little engine that could, but shouldn't.
Minding someone else's mindstream is tempting, because anyone else's mind feels more interesting than my own, and looking into my own mind can be quite distressing. False feelings of control bloom wildly when I think I know what's best for another or even what they're thinking. It's reassuring but extremely deluded. The arrogance is shocking, and of course, I absolutely hate it when someone else tries to tell me what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't even like the question to be asked. Oh, dear, well, back to my own mindstream, if I must.
Blowing off steam, if I recognize that is where I'm headed, needs no witnesses, or should I say, victims. I can talk to myself, write an email and erase it, write a letter and burn it, punch pillows or, my favorite, eat popcorn. As long as I'm not harming anyone else, it's an outlet, and it can be a shortcut to the longed for cool-down, then calm sitting to see if there is an issue I really need to address with another, or I need to figure out how not to be in a similar situation again. Rational thought has it's place here.
There's an impulsivity at work here that doesn't work for me, not in the kind of situations where I can feel steam arising. I'm the little engine that could, but shouldn't.
Saturday, October 4, 2014
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I'm not sure what the key to Right Speech is. Maybe compassion, or empathy or wisdom. For me, the dharma teachings have guided and still guide me. But on my own, the practice of gratitude has been so helpful. A little over a year ago our older daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer. Fear threatened to swallow me up. A friend told me the antidote to fear is gratitude. Several days later, I was in a bookstore and noticed this little orange journal. It was a Gratitude journal, with promptings and space for a year of entries. I bought it, and placed it by my bedside table. Every night I wrote in it. Sometimes I had to sit a while until I found the moment in the day that I was genuinely grateful for. Sometimes I was grateful for big things: my daughter's chemo tolerance or a talk with my granddaughter. Sometimes it was the first bloom on the hydrangea bush or a really good curry at lunch.
Occasionally, the book would tell me to make a list of things I was grateful for, and I noticed I never had enough room on the page. I began thanking people in real life, and spontaneously telling them how much I appreciated a call, a card, having a walk together. I was practicing a new way of feeling and noticing. I stopped worrying about being appreciated back. I lavished as much thoughtfulness on strangers as on friends. If the opportunity arose to thank a person, I seized it. Every time I did so, I felt just that little bit better.
Having access to gratitude has encouraged the right motivation for speaking and affirmed my connection to others. I don't have a habit of speaking of my gratitude, because that would be insincere. I wait until the feeling arises in me and speak the feeling of the moment. I encourage that feeling by the journal practice, and at this point, as I'm on my second journal, I see the world differently, so the feeling comes up easily and spontaneously. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.
Occasionally, the book would tell me to make a list of things I was grateful for, and I noticed I never had enough room on the page. I began thanking people in real life, and spontaneously telling them how much I appreciated a call, a card, having a walk together. I was practicing a new way of feeling and noticing. I stopped worrying about being appreciated back. I lavished as much thoughtfulness on strangers as on friends. If the opportunity arose to thank a person, I seized it. Every time I did so, I felt just that little bit better.
Having access to gratitude has encouraged the right motivation for speaking and affirmed my connection to others. I don't have a habit of speaking of my gratitude, because that would be insincere. I wait until the feeling arises in me and speak the feeling of the moment. I encourage that feeling by the journal practice, and at this point, as I'm on my second journal, I see the world differently, so the feeling comes up easily and spontaneously. And for that, I am infinitely grateful.
Friday, October 3, 2014
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
My husband and I visited an art show at a local museum, and driving back home, we talked about what we liked that we'd seen and what we didn't. My husband was generalizing about modern art versus traditional art and I might have enjoyed that conversation a few years ago, but now, with the help of my teacher Yvonne Rand, my generalization habit has been diminished quite a bit because of her admonition to watch out for generalizing.
Making sweeping statements can be fun, and done tongue in cheek, it has it's moments. But when you begin generalizing, you end up with countless exceptions. Generalizing is lazy, as well as inaccurate. So I've been trained not to say, for instance: "That painting looks derivative", when, in fact, derivation has it's important place in art, and referencing that's deliberate may open up the art work in a way that the artist intends and the viewer benefits. Saying, "I don't like Pop Art" only means you haven't enjoyed any work in that category up until now. None of us has seen all representations of that school, and you could be in for huge surprise, one that could change how you see all Pop Art. For years I couldn't see what all the fuss was about with El Greco. Then I went to the Prado in Spain, followed by a weekend at Toledo, and now I love his art. My mind was transformed. I thought I hated video art until I saw my first Bill Viola piece and William Kentridge's work, and now I keep discovering new video art that I love. I no longer avoid that section of a museum.
So generalizing, as well as closing down a lively conversation, can inhibit a person from being open and curious. Pleasures will not be had, because of the rigidity of the thought and speech. So next time you're in a museum, pick one piece that intrigues you, and be specific about parts you like. Try not to let it speak for the oeuvre of the artist, just tell me how you feel when you look at it. Then I'll tell you how it makes me feel, and we're off, not competing, but having fun and stretching each others' minds.
Making sweeping statements can be fun, and done tongue in cheek, it has it's moments. But when you begin generalizing, you end up with countless exceptions. Generalizing is lazy, as well as inaccurate. So I've been trained not to say, for instance: "That painting looks derivative", when, in fact, derivation has it's important place in art, and referencing that's deliberate may open up the art work in a way that the artist intends and the viewer benefits. Saying, "I don't like Pop Art" only means you haven't enjoyed any work in that category up until now. None of us has seen all representations of that school, and you could be in for huge surprise, one that could change how you see all Pop Art. For years I couldn't see what all the fuss was about with El Greco. Then I went to the Prado in Spain, followed by a weekend at Toledo, and now I love his art. My mind was transformed. I thought I hated video art until I saw my first Bill Viola piece and William Kentridge's work, and now I keep discovering new video art that I love. I no longer avoid that section of a museum.
So generalizing, as well as closing down a lively conversation, can inhibit a person from being open and curious. Pleasures will not be had, because of the rigidity of the thought and speech. So next time you're in a museum, pick one piece that intrigues you, and be specific about parts you like. Try not to let it speak for the oeuvre of the artist, just tell me how you feel when you look at it. Then I'll tell you how it makes me feel, and we're off, not competing, but having fun and stretching each others' minds.
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech
I was in the presence of right speech yesterday afternoon. It felt like a blessing. Ramon, the DMV driving test person in El Cerrito, did all the right things. He joked with me first thing, so that we were both laughing for a full minute. He had me do the hand signals and told a story about another driver who got it all mixed up. He smiled a lot, assuring me he would not trick me and that we were going to have fun. And damned if we didn't. I have macular degeneration, and my left eye can't pass the driving test, so every two years now I need an update from my eye doctor and a 45 minute driving test on hill and dale and freeway. This is good. It protects other drivers. But this is stressful, worse than five crowns at the same time in the dentist's office. I had not slept well the night before. For weeks before I was worrying about what it would mean if I could no longer drive. It was not a pretty picture, despite trying to reassure myself I'd adapt, and it was not like a major health issue.
Ramon said he was on my side. When I stopped at one stop sign and we were talking then I edged out and a car came barreling down the hill he said he distracted me. How gentlemanly of him. He kept reassuring me I was doing "fine". He talked about how he handled it when two cars going the same direction were stopped at a pedestrian crosswalk and he couldn't see left because the car beside him was a big SUV. He honked, rolled down the window and asked if the crosswalk was clear. He told me this story as I was stopped and couldn't see past the SUV beside me. I admitted I was shy honking the horn, and I would just wait to see what the other driver did. He manuevered a U turn and I was free to continue.
Everything Ramon said supported me. He was the heart of compassion. He didn't skimp on the test, we had had to check off every single thing, but he was fair and encouraging. That is right speech. He eased my nervousness, saw me as a person, laughed with me as equals, and was almost as happy as I was that I passed. What a guy!
Ramon said he was on my side. When I stopped at one stop sign and we were talking then I edged out and a car came barreling down the hill he said he distracted me. How gentlemanly of him. He kept reassuring me I was doing "fine". He talked about how he handled it when two cars going the same direction were stopped at a pedestrian crosswalk and he couldn't see left because the car beside him was a big SUV. He honked, rolled down the window and asked if the crosswalk was clear. He told me this story as I was stopped and couldn't see past the SUV beside me. I admitted I was shy honking the horn, and I would just wait to see what the other driver did. He manuevered a U turn and I was free to continue.
Everything Ramon said supported me. He was the heart of compassion. He didn't skimp on the test, we had had to check off every single thing, but he was fair and encouraging. That is right speech. He eased my nervousness, saw me as a person, laughed with me as equals, and was almost as happy as I was that I passed. What a guy!
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Wndering Along the Path: Right Speech
My hospitalized friend called last night triumphantly with great news: her gastric tube is out. I was in the middle of being upset that our dog had chewed her but bloody, after wearing a cone for two weeks and healing another spot. It was our two dogs' 10th birthdays, and I was furious with them, and then the call.
What saved me from moaning about the dogs was that I listened to the happiness in her voice, and felt immediately how touched I was that she had called to share her joy. Sharing joy is right speech in the highest sense. We often get into the habit of communicating in crisis, where we feel justified in "bothering" a friend. Can we call without a "good reason" and feel fine saying, "I just wanted to talk with you" ? That is a pretty vulnerable statement. For myself, I feel closer to the friends and family who can call for no reason. They were thinking of me, and the action they took puts some heart behind it.
This is very old fashioned in our current world. A friend emailed me that she had been reading this blog and was struck with how we hide ourselves behind the veils of email, texting and tweets. We keep it short and generic, you can't hear a quiver in our voice, so we can be glib or curt. And you have to respond inside the same straightjacket. None of us knows what this "means", but we are in transition to written speech, something that can be edited, deleted and without the body involved at all. Yet our bodies and voices allow us to speak from the heart-mind, rather than cerebrally. Does this impair our connection to others? I don't have the answer.
In the past, I've trusted that the risk of talking in the same room with a person is worth it, because I learn so much from the conversation about myself and the other. I goof up and have to apologize. I misspeak and correct myself at the time or later, so that I'm as clear as I want to be. I can ask questions freely, and pause to really listen to the answers. I get to brain storm and free flow ideas, without commitment, and find out what I really think. I'm able to pay attention to the tone of voice, the body language, the eye contact. This is important information. A thumbs up or smiley face is no substitute. Texting is truly helpful, but I'm not certain I think it is speech.
What saved me from moaning about the dogs was that I listened to the happiness in her voice, and felt immediately how touched I was that she had called to share her joy. Sharing joy is right speech in the highest sense. We often get into the habit of communicating in crisis, where we feel justified in "bothering" a friend. Can we call without a "good reason" and feel fine saying, "I just wanted to talk with you" ? That is a pretty vulnerable statement. For myself, I feel closer to the friends and family who can call for no reason. They were thinking of me, and the action they took puts some heart behind it.
This is very old fashioned in our current world. A friend emailed me that she had been reading this blog and was struck with how we hide ourselves behind the veils of email, texting and tweets. We keep it short and generic, you can't hear a quiver in our voice, so we can be glib or curt. And you have to respond inside the same straightjacket. None of us knows what this "means", but we are in transition to written speech, something that can be edited, deleted and without the body involved at all. Yet our bodies and voices allow us to speak from the heart-mind, rather than cerebrally. Does this impair our connection to others? I don't have the answer.
In the past, I've trusted that the risk of talking in the same room with a person is worth it, because I learn so much from the conversation about myself and the other. I goof up and have to apologize. I misspeak and correct myself at the time or later, so that I'm as clear as I want to be. I can ask questions freely, and pause to really listen to the answers. I get to brain storm and free flow ideas, without commitment, and find out what I really think. I'm able to pay attention to the tone of voice, the body language, the eye contact. This is important information. A thumbs up or smiley face is no substitute. Texting is truly helpful, but I'm not certain I think it is speech.
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